DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Why wouldn't I think she was spiteful? Sjlhe made a nasty comment that would clearly have made the 14 year old child in front of her upset so there's no particular reason for you to think she wasn't. Nor is there a particular reason to assume she doesn't know because her boyfriend may well have told her what was said.

How do they not all grow up with profound self-image problems? And don't say they are all reed thin waifs, because they just aren't: some of the most promising-looking women for throwing the discus I have met have been Russian.

Not sure its appropriate to drag the brother into it and to tell his girlfriend off

Pages and pages of threads on here about not making women/wives responsible for the upset their husbands cause or to fix it or be the ones to make him apologise etc

I dont think the girlfriend needs to apologise but if OP wants to talk to her about it, she shouldnt do this via her step son, only getting the girlfriends number but not using him as some sort of messenger to tell her off. Thats not appropriate. If you have an issue with a person talk to that person, not their partner.

Whether or not people think DD is overreacting and needs to be more resilient, she has stated her feelings and proposed course of action. If the GF comes, DD will not be there and will go to her Dads instead. Her relationship with her DM, StepDF and StepDB will be broken. All for some GF that may not even remain in her step-brothers future life. Conversely, uninvite the GF and DSS will be pissed off and sulk with his father. The thing is... DSS is 25 and DD is 14 and I bet DSS doesn't live in OPs home either. Has any form of apology from the GF been forthcoming? Does she even know about her faux pas? There are solutions to this but DH and DSS doubling-down is only going to make things worse, not better

Surely throwing the discus requires athletic muscles, not fat? 🤔

By the sounds of it the girlfriend doesn’t even know she’s caused offense as no one has bothered to tell her.

Well I'm happy to volunteer when it comes to filling her in on that!

As a Brit, wholeheartedly agree. Body positivity is doing few people favours, we are a nation with an obesity epidemic and diabetes causing the NHS huge pressures. And we wonder why there is an ever increasing number of people deemed unfit to work…

Well I didn't do a pinch test to determine body composition but these were Godzilla-esque women who certainly didn't look like thinness or weight consciousness was their thing (they won't mind me saying that: I have learned from this thread. It'd probably earn me some sort of plain-spokenness award.)

I think if it's bothered her so much that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you if the rude cunt gf comes shows how hurt your daughter is.
Personally I'd be backing her and saying they're not welcome, she's your daughter and what you do here will be impactful for her.
Couldn't give two shits about how 'cultural' her comment was, this is a 14 year old girl and how it has made her feel is valid.

Sure, maybe you could assemble groups of straight talkers who could wander around informing overweight people they are fat. It would be a kindness in the big scheme of things and would doubtless reverse the scourge of obesity.

FFS.

They already have organised these groups. One particular group is known as drunken gits.

Because what is clear to someone familiar with the norms of a specific culture, or indeed someone of that culture who was raised with those norms, isn’t at all clear to someone who isn’t and wasn’t. Navigating an unfamiliar culture is something that takes time, and no one becomes perfect at it overnight.

We have no idea whether she does or doesn’t know. Hence why it might be an idea to find out rather than just jump to thinking the worst of someone.

So you actually ridicule people for their weight or size, just do it in your head not out loud.

I see...

Can I ask why you went back to the GFs house for food when your step son doesn’t live with her? You gave her a lot of credibility and acceptance there as part of “the family” and she is coming for Xmas? Is she actually quite close and part of the family or a stranger to you that has no relationship with your daughter? I’m not clear now if she is connected enough to you to understand and be told it was wrong, or this is an error of judgement on your part to allow a stranger such familiarity.

DM op and ask for her number then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mean she has no common sense. Who tells a teenage girl to loose weight? They are still growing and loose it naturally not to mention the harm it does. Lack of sense however much harder to shed.....

Dance teachers do, for example. And they're not doing that out of spite or lack of sense.

Here are some things that people have said to me over the past few weeks:

• You should try Pilates - it’s great for your flexibility
• That pink lipstick looks really nice on you - you always wear brown.
• Nice jumper - you should wear colour more often.

I could interpret that as:

• Shape up, you creaking old hat!
• You’ve worn hideous make up for years
• Your overwhelmingly black and navy wardrobe is boring and unflattering.

But I took it as a conversational gambit. Now I do get the weight is a much more difficult issue, especially when young women are concerned. But this young woman isn’t British and it does seem to have been said in a similar vein to the comments above - along the lines of “you should try this - I bet you’d find it better!”. Does she need to be told that this isn’t really on in British culture and that she’s upset her BF’s young sister? Yes. Should she immediately be cancelled from Christmas? Seems a bit extreme.

I’d insist that DSS tells his GF the hurt she caused and that any such comments over Christmas will be dealt with by you asking her to leave. If the GF is genuinely unaware it is an unacceptable thing to say she’ll be mortified and may ask for an opportunity to apologise. If she’s just a bitch she’ll likely throw a fit and strop off herself.

I’d also chat to DD about how rude some people are and it’s important not to let their opinions affect us. As she’s so upset she doesn’t want to be around the GF, ask her (kindly) for how long? Forever? Will she refuse to attend the wedding if they get married? Avoid her younger siblings’ birthdays etc if the GF is there? Sometimes cutting someone out is sensible. Sometimes it is worth considering their intent AND the potential for longer term impact.

I wouldn’t, personally, cause a massive family rift over this. DSS is DH’s child and is the sibling of two of your children - he may be an adult but your DH loves him just as much as you love DD. I’d uninvite the GF (and risk the rift) if it was an intentionally nasty comment, but not if it was thoughtless.

You feel guilty as you have let your child become overweight, you had no idea that everyone thinks that but the girlfriend pointed it out.
Not nice for your child, but you have allowed this to happen, the girl only said about being healthy which is the truth.
In the new year work at being a healthy family so your daughter isn’t at risk of health problems.

I absolutely doubt the gf comment was well meaning. I know many Italians ( Most Europeans are like this ) who are as blunt about weight and whilst it may mean fewer people are fat ( though I am really not sure about that) it absolutely is not always "well meaning". It.most definitely comes.from a place of judging on how someone looks. Any talk about it being healthier is generally a cover for this. The exception to this is if it older people who talk about losing weight for health. When it is aimed at a young woman, it absolutely never is about health and is disingenuous to say so

I not avoid them and would encourage your dd to buikd up her resilience and ignore this or come up with a suitable reply but the next time I saw that gf, I would have a word.in private telling her how inappropriate her comments were and that if she said anything similar again to any of my children, she would son found out how cross I could get.

And you genuinely think that pointing it out to this young girl will cause her to lose the weight? I mean really?

So maybe she could aim her comments at Russian men then. But I bet she would never do that - these horrible judgy comments are always always aimed at women.

Men get called fat all the time.
They are more likely to use it as motivation to change than we are.
We mostly just get upset.

Well yeah for good reason. Men don’t grow up being fed messages from every corner of the media and the rest of society that your value rests predominantly on how you look. However, that said, many men do get upset by comments about their weight and appearance.
The idea that people get motivated by being insulted and shamed is such a strange one. They really don’t - quite the opposite. It’s likely to lead to low self esteem. Body weight is also often not fully within a persons control because a large part of it is determined by genetic factors. So if someone tells me I’m a fat lump because I am not a size 8 that isn’t going to make me a size 8. We also know that the vast majority of people who lose a substantial amount of weight will eventually return to their starting weight, which again highlights the ridiculousness of the notion that telling people that they are fat will make them magically lose weight.