DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Could just communicate with her directly so she understands the sensitivity? Don't need to necessarily go max by uninviting her.

Op said she's no way to contact girlfriend directly so has no choice but to go through DSS.

Don't uninvite her. Just let your teen daughter deal with how crap she'll feel in this woman's company. On Christmas day. It will apparently teach her a lesson in resilience. 🙄🙇

Why do you think OP is not British?

If she is overweight then something is wrong, so my comment still stands. Many parents think their child portion sizes are right and that they eat healthily, sometimes this is not the case.

You never know, it might even make her skinny, as this was likely the very first time she realised she was overweight until this really helpful woman told her. Now the weight will magically melt off and her life will be perfect.

😂

You're absolutely right. Silly me. I'd forgotten that being skinny (apologies, 'healthy') is the holy grail of all mumsnetters. I must do better and assimilate.

For the sake of family harmony the ideal situation would be for SS to talk to his GF. He doesn't need to make a big deal of it. Could be along the lines of X was upset because it's not really the done thing in this country to mention someone's weight even if if it wasn't meant nastily. If GG has any decency then she could simply apologise to your daughter and say she didn't mean to offend her and that it wasn't meant horribly.

Otherwise your DD will be sitting through Christmas wondering if the GF is going to say something else and silently hating her. 14 year olds are very good at brooding on things!!

That's if she hasn't gone to her Dad's.

Of course the GF may think she has absolutely nothing to apologise for and be offended. It could go either way.

Sorry, but you think our culture has become too sensitive. I think it is the other way around. We are no-where near sensitive enough, we let other 'cultures' walk all over us!

I agree that 'important things aren't challenged', but only as a Nation. The people we - our Governments - fear upsetting, are always from other cultures. They have put us, British citizens, last.

Just because she is overweight does NOT mean something is wrong! Lots of young people carry extra weight or are underweight during their teenage years, their bodies are in the midst of developing, it doesn't mean they are eating too much or too little. This woman had no right to comment upon such a personal thing, how does she know whether or not your daughter suffers from an eating disorder? This might just teach her a valuable lesson to keep her mouth shut in future. If she's genuinely sorry when she realises how much upset she's caused, then it'll be a true test of her character to see whether or not she reaches out to your daughter with an apology.

Sorry to make light of the situation. But your Dd wound never had survived my nan 🙈.
In life you get situations where ppl are are blunt and sometimes just plain rude .
I'd encourage DD with your presence to let the offender know how unappreciated her comment was and going fwd unsolicited comments on her appearance are not appreciated then move fwd and on ,,if your sons gf is blunt the..sne whilst t.be offended by a gentle rebuke .

@Hjsjshsni still remember when my uncle’s girlfriend came over from Thailand told me if I wanted to be a bridesmaid I would need to loose weight. I was 13. I’m 41 and still remember that exact conversation. It doesn’t matter if it came from a place of kindness or not. There’s no need to point it out to a child

You’re twisting people’s words and make them sound silly. That’s unkind. And I’m sure you’re a good person.

Yes, all that helps. But the culture surrounding all of this for teenage girls is very difficult, especially with social media etc.

I was raised to have a very healthy attitude to all of these things yet I (and many women I know, as well as men) did end up with eating disorders, and the majority of them probably would be able to point to one comment or two that lives with them still. One of my male relatives has almost died because of an eating disorder, in part triggered by another exercise-obsessed relative telling him he needed to lose weight at a particularly impressionable age (he didn't). Everything you say is right - but very very difficult to land with a 14 year old girl.

I'm also in no way suggesting OP's daughter should be isolated from the GF, that is not what I said in my preceding comment.

Well, it would be much better that any finding out she has to do, is done later, much later. When she is a fully fledged adult, having been fully supported, without compromise, by 'her' adults, during her most formative years - 0 to 18 at the very least.

Agreed.

I’m sorry I don’t believe you. It’s not feasible to learn every custom in every country - and that’s not a likely comment someone would make who had genuinely lived in many different cultures. If you genuinely have it’s not a realistic comment. You have no idea who you might have offended unwittingly.

Some MNers seem to think that anything they do in ‘other countries’ - certainly anywhere in Europe - is automatically better than whatever we do in the U.K.

I'm not sure why this discussion has turned into whether it is culturally appropriate or not to comment on people's weights, or what the intent of the DSS's girlfriend was. All this is irrelevant.

I do think it’s relevant- because it points to the GF making an ill advised/culturally inappropriate comment rather than suggesting that she had any malicious intent or meant to upset the DD. And I do think that matters and should inform how you deal with the situation and the people involved. The GF got it wrong - clearly she did. But does it help anyone - DD included - to blow it up and potentially cause a huge family rift? You can sympathise with DD, you can show her that you’ve spoken to the GF about it, you can help her understand that things can sometimes not be meant in the way that we perceive them. I’d have thought that would help her more in the long run than banning the woman from the house.

Ok.

I would explain to dd that this is a cultural difference and that people have very different attitudes to weight in general so some people find it much easier to talk about, they don't stress as much about weight gain or loss because they know it doesn't impact on your value or beauty as a person and are just very matter of fact about it. But equally I'd speak to your ds and explain that dd is really hurt and this has really affected her and ask if the gf would apologise to repair the relationship. The fact it'd a cultural difference doesn't excuse the fact she still caused offence and hurt to a child and she needs to own that.

If the GF doesn't apologise having been told that what she said was rude and unkind, her invitation to Christmas dinner should be withdrawn. We don't even know how overweight OP's daughter is and thankfully it is certainly not the culture in the UK for pretty much complete strangers to tell children that they are too fat.

OP's DD certainly doesn't need to get over herself. Her home should be her safe place without some rude and arrogant twat in her twenties having a dig at a 14 year old.

We're all adults here (or should be). Just disagree with me. There's need to be patronising. 🙄

It’s tricky because what she said is true. You know it’s true and dd knows it’s true and that’s why her feelings are hurt. This is understandable because none of us like to hear negative things about our weight but by purposely not drawing attention to it, you are allowing her to ignore it to some extent. Unfortunately you can’t control the wider environment and people are going to say hurtful things to her in the big bad world about all kinds of things, not just her weight. You need protect her by addressing it and building her resilience, not by preventing anyone around her from naming the problem.

I don’t think the girlfriend has done anything wrong, she has been factual and framed it in a health conscious way which is quite acceptable to most people. If she been deliberately cruel and said “Oh my God DD, you’re a big fat slob, please stop stuffing your face as you’re offending my chic international eyes” then I’d agree that she is clearly a nasty individual and would be all for banning her for Christmas but she hasn’t done that.

'Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 ...'

Wow. I guess we're all bringing our emotional baggage to this thread.

Oh well. Just another day on Mumsnet.