Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

[Nia34]

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

But her grandma doesn’t even send her a birthday card. Why should she?

Sorry . Far too long. Cannot be arsed to read. Try whittling it down .

@Nia34 I think the chink of light is that she has sort of admitted her son is an arse which is more than many mils in this situation ! .
Your poor dd can't be pushed your mil needs to understand her trauma her own father has rejected her. ..

Ask mil to maybe write to her but nktnabojr the das

Your daughter has been treated horribly by her father, but as long as his mother can be trusted to not do the same I would encourage the relationship with her, carefully as you need to be to protect your child from being hurt again.

Thats just weird and makes you sound like a twat to be honest

Well that's that then.

It's a pity for the ex mil but you MUST ONLY consider your child and yourself and how safe and comfortable you are. Child comes first, always.

This communication won't work, obviously. Can you move house, change numbers, and block her on all channels?

It is a tough one. What is DD thinking?

I also understand that you wouldn’t want to ask DD as she is young.

how about something like “I understand that you want to maintain contact with DD but I would like you to understand her current feelings. She remains so upset about ExH’s abandonment of her that she won’t allow him to be mentioned at all. I am obviously very worried about what this might mean for her, and have got to ensure that the rest of her life is loving, stable and safe. Currently ahe associates you with him, and is very wary. But I do feel that she has a right to build a relationship with you independently of ExH. I would like to make a couple of requests of you if I’m going to facilitate this. If you are going to be in her life, then you have to be reliably and regularly in her life. That means remembering birthdays and Christmases, and expressing an interest in her. When I do send you pictures, I would like your assurance that they are for your eyes only and will not be posted anywhere on social media.”

I agree. She may show the photos to her son but does it really matter, compared to DD having a loving granny ?

Well yes as the child has said she wants nothing at all to do with the father. And she's been a slack, unengaged ex mother in law up to now.

I wouldn’t want anyone sharing photos of me with someone I had no contact with and I’m an adult. There needs to be a firm boundary there.

Absolutely awful advice. Please never become a therapist and maybe consider seeing one.

What? There has been terrible advice on this thread but that post isn't an example.

@Nia34 I wouldn't hesitate to block her up. This thread is bonkers.

Mea culpa. Once again I have not read the whole thread.

There's a simple solution to this - tell her that until your daughter requests contact, any pictures she wants of her granddaughter she will have to get through her son. If she wants to put emotional pressure on someone, she can do it to him.

She probably wants them for her son anyway. He's probably got a new girlfriend who's asking awkward questions.

It's pretty good advice. Her grandmother getting in touch has upset OP's daughter and she has been a pretty neglectful grandparent, sending OP's DD no letters, cards or presents and obviously supporting her cunt of a son by having him live with her.

One of the good things about being divorced is that women no longer need to do the 'wife work' of keeping in touch with their in-laws, organising all the cards and presents and facilitating the relationship between their children and their in-laws. They've all treated OP and her DD like shit and they are now dealing with the consequences of that behaviour.

So dad and his family don’t send anything to your DD? He doesn’t contribute to her upbringing financially and the ex MIL actively helps him dodge his responsibilities..
You've already sent the pictures now and I’m guessing she won’t bother asking again for a while, probably got sentimental because her friends are excited and cooing about spending Christmas with their grandkids….
I’d play it cool now, if she messages just keep things polite.
Don't play voice messages to/infront of your DD if it’s upsetting her.
and if DD doesn’t want photos of her shared I think you need to respect that and tell ex MIL that DD doesn’t want her photos shared!

I think you should tell her that her darling angel son hasn’t paid any CM and is deliberately choosing to live and work in ways to actively avoid supporting his child. I would ask her why she feels entitled to photos and updates when she is enabling this behaviour. While she may not have wanted the divorce, she was implicit in his actions that led to it, and you and DD are entitled to resent her for this.

This. Not her fault he is a scheister.

I would archive her on WhatsApp and check and reply once a month max

Late to the thread I know but….
I wouldn’t go along with your MIL requests. I would tell her to sort her son out and then dd will think about her request based on her father’s improved behaviour. Otherwise nope.
He is her son therefore to a large extent she is responsible for how he turned out.