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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

198 replies

Nia34 · 15/12/2025 11:20

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 15/12/2025 11:58

Anything you do must be ok by your daughter. I would check with her before further sending photo's or communicating with grandma. Let her lead the way as to what kind of relationship she would like with her grannie but it doesn't sound promising.

I do feel sorry for grandma a little though as it's not her fault, but ultimately it has to be decided by your daughter and respect her wishes if too hard. Sorry OP, sad story you have to tell.

MannersAreAll · 15/12/2025 12:01

Does he live with his Mum?

I did facilitate my girls having contact with their Grandma after I got a message similar to yours, however she had massively fallen out with her son over his treatment of his children.

She stepped up and built a wonderful relationship with her grandchildren, and actually has had nothing to do with her own son for many years now due to his appalling parenting. She wouldn't have shared photos with him without my, or when they were old enough the girls, consent.

If the grandmother has your Dds best interests at heart then do it. If she doesn't then don't.

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/12/2025 12:03

Please don’t send anything else to this woman, your dd has made it clear she doesnt want anything to do with her. You need to tell this woman why and block her.

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/12/2025 12:03

Please don’t send anything else to this woman, your dd has made it clear she doesnt want anything to do with her. You need to tell this woman why and block her.

TheMimsy · 15/12/2025 12:04

@Nia34 how much effort has ex MIL made to keep in touch prior to this?

What is her reason for not building her own relationship with her GD and yourself away from the one you have with your ex?

how old is your daughter?

Ive told my sons should they split with future partners I would still try to have a positive relationship with them if children were involved.

my ex’s family have never bothered with my sons since their dad left. Not a card or present in over 20 years (youngest was 2 when he left). I tried visiting the gran etc who lived a 5min walk but she showed no interest and we gave up. I just couldn’t do that personally.

MatildaTheCat · 15/12/2025 12:15

Was she an attentive grandmother before the spilt?

As others have said you need to take your lead from your DD. If she’s upset there’s no need for phone conversations or voice notes.

If you had a cordial relationship in the past I would consider sending updates and a photo occasionally but not involving your DD.

GrumpyInsomniac · 15/12/2025 12:19

I think, in light of your update about how much this upset your daughter, that I would be quite clear with your ex-MIL how your daughter feels about her dad, and her by extension.

Tell her that if your and your daughter are to have any contact with her in future, it has to come with an acknowledgment of the harm her son has done and continues to do in refusing to acknowledge or support your daughter’s existence. And make it clear that any contact, voice notes, photos etc will only be maintained if it’s not to the detriment of your daughter’s mental health. She’s so young and to be rejected by her father in this way is incredibly harmful.

Her attitude to that will tell you whether there can be a fruitful relationship between her and your daughter. For now, she has photos and a voice note to keep her going, and that may have to suffice.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 15/12/2025 12:21

Nia34 · 15/12/2025 11:53

Thank you All.
We needed to have a long conversation about this. It took DD some time to accept the idea that her photos might be sent and to understand that her grandma is not her dad. She said she does not like her because she associates her with her dad.
Just yesterday, she was crying and said she does not want to hear her grandma’s voice again because it upsets her and reminds her that her dad is not here. As I mentioned before, the last time they spent a lot of time together was when he stayed for an extended period, and when he left, she was more hurt than at any other time hence her reaction.
I'd also like to add that ex-mil lives abroad, and we used to see her only once a year.

In that case, I wouldn't involve your daughter in his family ever again unless your daughter initiates. MIL might be sad but your daughter is the priority.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/12/2025 12:22

HoppityBun · 15/12/2025 11:26

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t send photos, with your DD’s permission. She has an extended family and a paternal grandmother who loves her and has done nothing wrong

This.

Sliverreindeer · 15/12/2025 12:23

Your daughter has set a boundary
it doesn't need talking about,
she has said she doesn't want him mentioned.
and she doesn't want to hear her grand,mothers voice
.well done to her for the maturity to know what upsets her and to know to avoid it .
Wish I had been the same as a child .it would of saved me years of upset .

thisoldcity · 15/12/2025 12:25

@GrumpyInsomniac I agree totally with your post and couldn't have expressed it as well. The exMIL's attitude now will indeed show how things can go. To me, this might just be a sentimental reaction to Christmas.

Sliverreindeer · 15/12/2025 12:28

Mil ,upset is not your daughter's responsibility to fix
No is it your responsibility
If mil son wanted his mum to have DD photos,he would be a better dad to make that happen
Ml should look at why her son is behaving as he is to his daughter.she should look to the example she set
Did she tell him to pay maintenance,and tell him to organise a schedule to see her ...I suspect she buried her head in the sand

Rocketship003 · 15/12/2025 12:28

It sounds like his mum felt in a hard place and that she was taking your side even though she knows deep down you were the innocent party in all of this. It’s probably gotten to her that she’s missing out on DD’s life hence the crying after you sent photos. I think if she wants a relationship with her granddaughter she needs to know that your DD deserves consistent constant and not a repeat of her dads behaviours

Sliverreindeer · 15/12/2025 12:28

Sliverreindeer · 15/12/2025 12:28

Mil ,upset is not your daughter's responsibility to fix
No is it your responsibility
If mil son wanted his mum to have DD photos,he would be a better dad to make that happen
Ml should look at why her son is behaving as he is to his daughter.she should look to the example she set
Did she tell him to pay maintenance,and tell him to organise a schedule to see her ...I suspect she buried her head in the sand

Nor ,nor is it your responsibility...
Sorry missed of the r

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/12/2025 12:29

I’d ask your DD. It would probably be helpful for her to have as many loving family members around her as possible.
You don’t owe her anything.
edited, missed update.
I’m glad DD made her decision. Her Dad is a shit. I hope you both have a lovely Christmas.

nomas · 15/12/2025 12:33

As ex-MIL makes so little effort to contact dd or spend time with her, I would guess that she only wants the pictures to put on social media so she can pretend to be a doting grandma.

I wouldn't send her pictures.

Tell her she is welcome to visit dd once every 3 months for a few hours or a day.

godmum56 · 15/12/2025 12:36

Nia34 · 15/12/2025 11:53

Thank you All.
We needed to have a long conversation about this. It took DD some time to accept the idea that her photos might be sent and to understand that her grandma is not her dad. She said she does not like her because she associates her with her dad.
Just yesterday, she was crying and said she does not want to hear her grandma’s voice again because it upsets her and reminds her that her dad is not here. As I mentioned before, the last time they spent a lot of time together was when he stayed for an extended period, and when he left, she was more hurt than at any other time hence her reaction.
I'd also like to add that ex-mil lives abroad, and we used to see her only once a year.

In that case I think its right to refuse photos and possibly block contact as its your daughter's decision and nobody else's. How you explain it to your ex Mil, whether gently or not is up to you and I would say depends on how Mil has behaved in the past.

Aluna · 15/12/2025 12:36

I would leave it entirely up to DD and support her decision.

While it may be nice for her to know that MIL cared enough about her to want to stay in touch (where’s she been for the last couple of years tho?); it may be too painful for her to cope with in reality.

dobbylan · 15/12/2025 12:36

deleted due to reading your response.

That is a shame your DD feels that about grandma but maybe one day she will look back and realise Grandma is not dad nor the reason for his actions

Comtesse · 15/12/2025 12:38

KimberleyClark · 15/12/2025 11:43

Why would you punish your ex mother in law for your ex’s cheating? And deprive your DD of a loving grandparent?

Because she’s only just bothering to exert herself now - not sure she’s much of a loving grandparent tbh….

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2025 12:39

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 15/12/2025 11:54

You absolutely don't owe this woman a thing. Tell her to ask her son why he is a deadbeat parent. I have no time for these old women who let their sons get away with nonsense.

How do you stop an adult from not wanting to be a parent?
My sister (half) was the child on the receiving end of a lot of the suggested no contact stance. She grew up missing out on an extended family because of it. By pure chance she's met cousins. But it upsets her, when they tell stories from their past and she could have been a part of them. She's 70 next year. Our family is small, she didn't have a long term partner or children and her friends became fearful during Covid. She could have done with family over the years.

zanahoria · 15/12/2025 12:42

It is a tough call.

The sensible solution would be to do everything through your ex but possibly that is more trouble than it is worth.

She does sound a decent woman and is only asking for a few photos but make sure that is not just the thin end of the wedge

usedtobeaylis · 15/12/2025 12:45

Its difficult because if he's the liar you say he is, you don't know if he's been telling his mum all kinds of lies also. But if it's distressing your daughter you can't force it.

It's definitely worth considering keeping the lines of communication open even if it's not directly between your daughter and her grandmother, but definitely for her. Things can change, views can shift, and she's only 7. She's got a whole lifetime ahead of her and she shouldn't be held forever by the decisions she makes at 7 years old.

Naunet · 15/12/2025 12:46

Nia34 · 15/12/2025 11:53

Thank you All.
We needed to have a long conversation about this. It took DD some time to accept the idea that her photos might be sent and to understand that her grandma is not her dad. She said she does not like her because she associates her with her dad.
Just yesterday, she was crying and said she does not want to hear her grandma’s voice again because it upsets her and reminds her that her dad is not here. As I mentioned before, the last time they spent a lot of time together was when he stayed for an extended period, and when he left, she was more hurt than at any other time hence her reaction.
I'd also like to add that ex-mil lives abroad, and we used to see her only once a year.

It sounds like your daughter needs some therapy

ChampagneLassie · 15/12/2025 12:48

reabies · 15/12/2025 11:26

You're a bigger person than me OP, I don't even send photos to my MIL and I am happily married to her son. I think I would say something like 'happy to share photos this time as you've not seen her recently, but really it would be better if you get your updates on daughter's life from [son's name]. Thanks.'

And then...the ball is in their court for how much he bothers to find out about what your daughter is doing. And if he doesn't pass anything onto his mum then that's on him.

I don’t think you’ve want to do this. You don’t want him getting back involved. If your daughter is happy for the contact and you think MIL is decent then I’d try to facilitate a relationship. The more family the better particularly as she’s lost her father. I’d call MIL and have a frank conversation about the need for her to be consistent and not let your DD down like her son has done

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