Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

[Nia34]

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

It might just be as simple as the passage of time. Sometimes it smacks us in the face. It's booting me in the stomach daily and I am with my daughter every single day. So maybe she's becoming more aware of time passing and time wasted.

Life is short and the more people there are in your children's life that love them, the better.

I'm sorry you had such a shit time. I divorced an absolute shit of a man, who behaved simarlarly. If he hadn't died, I imagine we would have walked a similar path. I left when she was three. He had contact for a few hours a month for about a year or so, messed us about something terrible until I said I would bring her, but he had to carry the mental load and initiate and arrange times with seven days notice, confirm 48 hours ahead and he had ten minutes tolerance to be where he said he would (his own damn house. Which I drove her NINETY MILES to see him for an afternoon. Hung around locally and then drove her back). This was too big an ask and he didn't see her for a year. He died when she was six.

Let DD decide. It really, really doesn't matter what anyone else wants. Only her. Keep holding the line of 'your dad loves you as much as he is able, but he is not prioritising you, and it's OK not to prioritise him. You can choose how you want to be loved'. Don't badmouth him further, or give adult details of the divorce beyond very sketchy age-appropriate summaries. Which are likely that he did not prioritise you, her or the work in a family home then either. She doesn't need any other adult baggage. She just needs to know it is not her in any way, he is an adult and his behaviour is entirely within his control and in this instance you will respect her choices, whatever they are.

My DD could not be less interested in her Dad now. I've kept a box of trinkets in case she ever asks. I bring him up once a month or so. She just shrugs. There's a photo in an out of the way spot. I didn't want to leave an awkward space where she felt she couldn't talk about him. But she does not give a shit and I worked damn hard to hold him accountable for his behaviour, without blaming him and made doubly sure she felt no lack. She went through phase at about nine of wanting another dad (seeing if we could share one! that was interesting!) and now I genuinely don't think she thinks about him ever.

It’s difficult but even when my ex fell out with his mum for a couple of years I still kept in touch with his mum and visited a couple of times. No she was not grandma of the year and when she first found out her son was dating a single parent of the wrong religion / race she through her son out. But at the end of the day, I always felt that her and ex FIL deserved to see their GC and know how they were. We have been split 15yrs now but his mother still rings me now and then and an odd text (my ex made up with her).

Hard for your DD but she does need to understand her grandma isn’t to blame for her fathers actions, as she really isn’t. Maybe she could have acted differently in the years after but it can be awkward when parents split, especially when it’s not your own daughter but DIL and your own son has behaved poorly and abandoned his DD.

Your daughter’s wishes come first. It is somewhat bizarre to not send birthday cards/messages of good wishes, and then going on about how it was amazing to get photos. If it was about your daughter, she should have not missed the milestones, even to show how important she was. Granny sounds selfish. It sounds to me (I could be wrong) that it is just about her getting the photos; maybe to show her friends. Without being a child centred granny who never misses a child’s birthday or Christmas card.

I’m also aghast at granny interfering in trying to stop the same precious grand-daughter receiving support from her own derelict father.

Your daughter is so lucky she has you.

i think if your daughter is in agreement then yes send occasional pics and maybe the odd message. In years ahead you want to be able to look back and know you did the right thing so i think be kind to MIL where possible but with good boundaries to protect DD and yourself.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

Firstly, I don't think this is a decision for your daughter to make. She's 7 years old and this is too big a decision for such a young child to make. This is your decision to make, as her Mum.

Personally, I'd be sending the photos and encouraging a relationship. It wasn't your ex-MIL who cheated on you and I think it's important to remember that. I know that there's been no contact in a few years but we don't know why. So I'd be giving her a chance. It's going to be really important for your daughter to feel a connection to her other culture as she grows up. If it helps, think of it as something you're doing for your daughter, rather than for your ex-MIL.

I would want to insist that everything be done directly with ex-MIL though - photos, calls, video calls etc. That's the only way to do it properly as your ex has proven to be flaky. This is one of those times where I think it's not just about loving your daughter, it's about putting her first, regardless of how much you dislike your ex or don't want to do it. The possible outcome is that DD and ex-MIL have an excellent relationship and some really happy memories... I think that's worth giving her a chance for. Yes, it would have been better for her to have kept in touch, but we all make mistakes.

I'd also be explaining the same to your daughter. Humans are not perfect, as much as we'd like to be! We make mistakes and we learn from hindsight and when we know better, we do better. This is not about your ex, who has had chance after chance after chance. But about your ex-MIL who you'd like to give a second chance to.

I know Mums who haven't had contact with their exes for years, but have a fantastic relationship with their ex-PIL who are a great support and absolutely dote on their grandchildren, so it definitely can be done.

I would send her a few photos through the year. It isn’t her fault hat her son has behaved so badly.

It's her fault that she's behaved badly.

People have to be given a chance. It’s better to start again now than to leave it until the child is 30 or older.

Do you mean why don't I let my MIL have photos? She can of course have photos, I'm just not in charge of sending them to her. She speaks to her son, my husband, my children's father, more than she speaks to me. And we have a family photo sharing app so she gets regular pictures, and visits us btw. My point was that I am not the one who sends her stuff, and I don't even have half as tricky a relationship with my MIL as the OP has with hers.

If you mean I was suggesting the OP doesn't let her MIL have photos, again, that's not what I was saying. I was saying the MIL's own son should be responsible for sharing shit to his own relatives. And I think it's clear to see from all OP's posts that neither the son or the MIL has covered themselves in glory in trying to stay in touch with this child. So why should OP, who was cheated on, dragged through divorce courts unamicably, and basically ignored by the MIL go out of her way to provide updates?? Amongst all the other shit she is undoubtedly doing as a single mother??

I’ve read your updates OP
you owe this woman nothing.
she needs to make a consistent effort if she wants photos and cards.

im guessing she has realised she no longer has access via social media and suddenly doesnt have photos to share with others.

I expect this is not about your DD. I’d stay well away. And respect your DD request not to send further photos or to require her to hear or speak with this woman

The courts would say that the child is entitled to a relationship with grandparents even if the dad doesnt want to know. If your daughter wants the relationship go ahead. Courts would encourage it. Take a child focussed approach and do what your daughter wants. Thats what courts would do. Ignore the dad and stop making effort to get him to engage - save your efforts

In similar circumstances, I worked hard to maintain the relationships in ExH’s family for the sake of the children. It did not cost me too much emotionally (even though I was not always treated well by them) and I did it for the kids’ sake.

But if you really don’t want to do it, just don’t. You have no moral obligation to do it, though you are free to choose to be more generous than necessary.

Give your daughter a chance to have her grandmother in her life. It's a very important relationship and your views on her son should not impact on it

Obvs exH has also been lying & making-up stories to his own DM, probably even threatening her with NContact etc etc. If OP’s DD is happy for her DGM to have pix etc & OP had no difficulty with her before divorce, surely there shouldn’t be too much of a problem with having some contact?

This. If she is happy for the contact then let her choose a couple of pictures to send.

I would cut all contact. Its truly the only way to keep sane in this horrible situation. MIL is only a reminder of her son. And she is not financially or in anyway supporting you. So updating her is just satisfying her selfish motives.

I was in similar situation and MIL ( living far away)was visiting her son and also taking my daughter out for meals.
Giving her Christmast presents always. Left her money in inheritance too.
So if your MIL tries to be lovingly involved, thats great. But just sending photos- absolutley NOT.

I would have a conversation with your daughter and ask her what she thinks. If she’s fine with her photos and life updates potentially being shared with someone she doesn’t want in her life - then respect it, I reckon she won’t be. It’s important to recognise her autonomy and right to privacy - no one will ever be able to say you stopped the contact when it’s her choice. She’s allowed to change her mind in the future.

In that case I would explain the situation to your ex-MIL. And as a grandmother she shouldn't want to cause her granddaughter any further distress. If that situation ever changes you could tell her that you'll be back in touch. But at the moment you have to put your daughter's emotional well being first.

Grandma is her own person and has not made an effort to maintain a relationship with her grandchild

So the MIL is the adult here. She can send her granddaughter presents and cards & dd can send thank you notes. That would be the start of a direct relationship with each other.

sending random photos of dd to her is just a bit weird & probably leaves dd feeling a bit vulnerable. There has to be a gesture of some sorts from mil to try and mend fences.

Of course you should send photos.

I so desperately wish I had a relationship with my shitty Dad’s family. A whole half of my family was taken away from me because of his actions and it’s not fair.

If you exes family are good people who love your daughter, please don’t deny her access to half her family. You don’t have to go out of your way to make it happen, but if they are reaching out, keen and consistent it’s cruel to deny her access just because your ex is a twat.

It’s understandable that it may take her some time to come around to the idea and of course you shouldn’t force anything she doesn’t want, but I would absolutely keep the option open for her and maintain that relationship yourself until your DD is ready for contact herself.

I understand MILs position and emotions. But her son clearly doesn't, or just doesn't f***g care.

Basically, you have no obligation to indulge her.
Denying her this facilitiy, seems to be the only tool you now have, to use against this cheating person.
Bring her to the Dark Side, few sons can withstand Mother on rampage!