Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

[Nia34]

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

I wouldn’t say she has done nothing wrong.

When my Ex H and I split and removed in with his mother, his mother made it clear that the divorce was nothing to do with her and she would not pick sides. Her son is her son but her grandchildren? Those are her bloody grandchildren. She would move heaven and earth to maintain her relationship with them and has. No taking sides, she just refused to lose contact. My ex barely sees his children but his mother calls, visits, takes them out, travels, helps with school uniform, attends all their special assemblies, literally won’t let a month go by without a video call.

On the contrary OP’s ex MIL seemed to let months to years pass with very little interest or involvement then show up to cry about not having a relationship. This child is a whole person. I expect OP’s daughter barely knows this woman and whose fault is that? She can’t blame her son because she could have chosen to make the effort regardless of him.

What about video calls? So she gets to form some sort of connection with her? I’d ask that he’s not around at that time though. Have a lovely Christmas 🎄

I would argue that after everything she has been through DD is entitled to feel how she feels about DGM. If she associates her with her DD that is because she has placed herself firmly in his camp and made no effort to separate herself and build her own connection.

If DD does not want contact with her because she sees her as an unsafe connection her DD then I would not push her into it. Respect how she feels and let her have the distance she needs. Yes that may be sad for DGM but she has sat by silently while her son made this mess.

If your DD's grandmother would like some pictures, why is it a big deal? It sounds like she loves your DD, she can't be held responsible for her grown up son's behaviour.

Oh shush now, that’s a ridiculous thing to say.

She doesn’t sound like a good person at all. She has a grandchild and has effectively failed to make any effort to have a relationship with her, at all. This child is seven years old and they wouldn’t recognise each other if they sat next to each other on the bus. That isn’t a good grandparent, or even a mediocre grandparent. That is someone who doesn’t give a single shit. She couldn’t physically have made any less effort than she has done to make sure this child knows her. That is what is mean and nasty.

She might live abroad but the OP sounds reasonable enough to have facilitated video calls as soon as DD was old enough to recognise faces. If her ex MiL had said to her ‘my son is useless and I feel awful that I can’t change that, but I desperately want to maintain my relationship with your DD’, does it sound like the OP would have stopped that? And it’s not the OP who has been failing to call. Ffs, the ex even bought the DD her own phone; what was stopping the MiL from calling that if she felt too awkward speaking to the OP? What has stopped her from sending birthday and Christmas cards? Or even just a token postcard telling DD that she was thinking about her?

And now, all of a sudden, she’s asking for photos and in tears because of a voice note? Why? What’s brought this on? Seven years of not giving a shit and now she’s acting like this child was snatched from an adoring grandmother two years ago and she’s only now being permitted contact. It doesn’t make any sense and a more suspicious person than I would think there was something behind it (eg, wanting to hide from a new wife just how shit of a father he has been, and sending mum in to test the water).

If she’d made any sort of effort before, then I might be gently encouraging DD to see the difference between her father and grandmother, but as it is, she’s a stranger to her and DD’s wishes not to have contact have to take precedence over this random relative who has never made any effort, even pre divorce. If DD was amenable to the idea, I’d tell MiL that DD felt unwilling to get involved at this time because of the history of abandonment and lack of any pre existing relationship between them, but that if grandmother wanted to send letters or cards to DD, then you’d keep them safe for her, so she’d have them to read in the future, should she want to. But if grandmother mentioned DD’s father in any way, or attempted to guilt trip DD into seeing or talking to him, that would be her lot.

Because DD might not want her to have photos. Her whole paternal family have completely failed her. And now they want photos? Why? So they can say ‘look at our lovely grandchild/niece/cousin’? And they don’t even want to put the work in to get to know her.

That is why it’s a big deal.

If your daughter spent quite a lot of time with her Dad over a 3 month period, when he was in the UK, it must have been a huge shock when he suddenly just disappeared. She was probably enjoying the time spent with him, beginning to build up trust in him, and suddenly what she thought was the beginning of consistent contact, didn't happen. It's not surprising your daughter is now struggling. Children often blame themselves, believe they did something wrong, that caused a parent to have no contact or stop. I actually think it might be beneficial for your daughter to have some counselling, at some point, to help her work through her emotions. Your daughter's school should have Pastoral Care, they may be able to point you in the right direction. Your daughter associates your Grandmother with her Dad, and he's a sensitive subject, and one she doesn't want to discuss. Given your daughter's reaction, I don't think it's in her best interests to have contact with her Grandmother. She didn't really have a relationship with her prior to you splitting with your husband, as she saw her for 2 weeks per year. Since your divorce contact has been inconsistent and for the last 2 years, no contact. I think you need to be honest with your ex-MIL, that at the moment your daughter doesn't want contact with her, and why. Tell her that you are willing to leave the door open, if in the future your daughter changes her mind, but at the moment you have to respect your daughter's wishes. In an ideal world of course it would be lovely for your daughter to have a relationship with her Grandmother, but real life isn't always hearts and flowers.

She hasn't been in contact with your DD for months and months and is seeking contact now. I know a couple of adults (I am talking people in their 50s) who had no contact at all with their extended families until fairly recently. It is devastating. And too late. If there is a chance that your DD can have some contact let her have it - if she wants it. If she doesn't want it, even knowing that someone tried to make contact with her may be important to her when she is older.

Do you have any experience in being abandoned by a parent at a young age? Or having one entire side of your family show zero interest in you?

If you think that isn’t going to affect a child of 7, then I’m curious as to your thought processes here. Why are you surprised by her reaction? Did you think she wouldn’t notice her father’s lack of interest or her missing paternal relatives?

A paternal grandmother who lives in a foreign country who raised an absolutely disgusting son and continues to support him. A paternal grandmother who guilt trips and manipulates…

I wouldn’t send her any photos whatsoever.

I would ask her if she wants to be a part of DD’s life. If she does I would facilitate this because the more people that live dd the better. But make it crystal clear the first time she lets her down it’s over.

Is every mother responsible for their adult child's behaviour? I don't think my mother is responsible for all the things I do. Women aren't to blame for everything.

He's his own man dont blame the mother.

It’s very wrong in my opinion to try and cut her out -she is not her son and not responsible for his behaviour - I think in situations like this you need to be the bigger person

Because ex-mil raised her son to think his described behavior was ok? And loving grandparents don't let a 2 year gap elapse without enquiring about their grandchild. If MIL wanted contact, she should have acted decently. Keep sweet doesn't just apply to daughter in laws.

OP, don't be guilted into being the bigger person. Your ex mother in law is reaping what she has sown. Contact can go thru her pweshus baby boy. And of course, DD has the right to stay in contact or not if she wants! Ask her what she wants to do.

If a grandmother want a relationship with their grandchildren she needs to contact them. After years, begging for photos etc is nonsense in my opinion. Where she was all this time?
I wouldn't sent anything if your DD doesn't want.
There something really twisted in this issue and the one that suffer the most is your DD. Stand with her as you have been doing all this time.

So there are 3 women here all suffering cos of one manprick. Why is it always like this?

If MIL & DD are both keen then foster this relationship. Why should DD be down a grandparent & MIL without a grandchild cos one single man is a fucknugget?

I'd be devastated if DS1 & DIL split & I lost contact with DGS. When they were having difficulties at one point I made it clear to DIL that our relationship with her & DGS wouldn't change whatever happened.

I would not be sending photos - I would think that the grandmother could pass those on to her son and maybe he can use them to demonstrate he is a better father than he is to the courts (ie he says he took those photos when actually they are yours). I think a secondary reason is that your DD doesn't seem keen either. Obviously I could be entirely wrong and maybe she genuinely cares - although I have my doubts as she left it for 2 years and didn't contact you.

Don’t visit the sins of the son on his mother! Send the photos!

I didn't have any contact with my dad (absolute waste of space), but I did have a nice relationship with my nan on his side and I'm very glad my mum facilitated that.

Although she did live in the UK, so we were able to visit and did so about twice a year. I never blamed her for my dads behaviour, nor did it upset me seeing her, it was nice to know she cared even if my dad didn't.

One of the few times I ever saw my dad was at my nans funeral - a very awkward day.

I would usually be in favour of attempting to maintain and facilitate contact betwen a child and her grandparent. Certainly, MIL and her exDIL managed a perfectly cordial relationship, even though BIL was the problem and MIL spent a lot of time with her grandchildren etc. So it can be done.

BUT.... in this case, the grandmother hasn't exactly done a great deal to attempt to maintain contact or be supportive. So I'd stick with a picture at Christmas and birthday at best. I wouldn't do anything additional unless I saw HER taking the lead!

That’s awful why on earth don’t you let her have photos or at least co sided letting her see her grandchild??? Wow

My brother is an absolute arse and an absent dad. He saw his young adult DC at our mums funeral after not seeing them or contacting them for over 14 years and he didn't even speak to them.

His ex -wife has been an absolute star throughout this time. She ensured that my mum was able to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren. It was tricky as they live over 300 miles away but between them they managed it. She would regularly host my mum in her house when mum travelled up to visit them.

Mum is dead now but I still see my nieces and nephews and they are absolute joy to spend time with. I'm so grateful my brothers ex-wife had such a positive attitude to our family despite my brothers behaviour.

Done nothing wrong? She’s literally facilitated her shitty son’s shitty awful behaviour by giving him a roof over his head whilst he refuses to work do he doesn’t have to financially support his own child.

She’s not fit to be a grandparent

You don't understand why a mum would be nervous about engaging in contact with an ex.mil after her ex has behaved as appallingly as he has and said mil has not reached out once.. I think im more concerned about your thought process then I am for op. Love is not measured by crying in a voice note one time.