Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

[Nia34]

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

Can you ask DD if she wants to video chat? I understand your annoyance if she’s passing the pictures on, and that does seem like something DD may not be happy about it. FaceTime would remove that, whilst also allowing DD and mil to create a more real relationship?

I see your point. They’ve showed no interest until now and it’s just more inconsistency for your daughter which toys with her emotions. Maybe you can speak to the ex MIL and explain this inconsistency has been damaging. Explain she is welcome to be in her grandchild’s life but only if she is committing to really be in her life. If she wants to play games of cat and mouse and be inconsistent and unreliable, at that point you will close the door until child is 18 and she can decide for herself. (The other comment being judgemental was ignorant and clearly did not read the nuance in the situation!)

I'd tell her you'll send photos but she needs to save the histrionics for her son. You wont deal with tears, or upset and neither will you have your daughter exposed to it. Contact happens on your daughers terms only and you will be present for all conversations.

Maybe she didn't reach out before because she thought she would be rebuffed. As long as the contact is just with her ( and I think you should contact her privately and emphasise how much your ex has hurt your daughter, and she no longer wants ANY contact with him whatsoever) fair enough, but tell her that if she tries to bring him into the picture you will cease contact immediately and permanently. Don't deprive your daughter of a loving grandma. Also, on a purely cynical and mercenary note, if she has a good relationship with your DD and disapproves of her son, who knows what her will might say in due course?

There are some cold fuckers on this thread. I can't work out if they just hate older women (obviously it's Mumsnet so "yes" anyway) or they're simply sociopaths.

Anyway, nice drip feed in your second post OP about how your daughter doesn't want contact with her. If you'd put that in the original post then read it back to yourself you wouldn't have needed to post at all.

This is a difficult one. If your daughter no longer wants contact, I'd leave it, for now at any rate. You said you sent a couple of photos, that will have to do.

Your girl needs consistency, bless her.

I wouldn't be entertaining this woman in any way..
She is actively supporting her awful son.

The problem with this is the father was and is still a deadbeat so telling her to go through her son will deprive the daughter form any contact with that side of her family. If the grandmother really cares and doesn't condone the son's acts etc then I don't see why she should cut the girl from her grandmother. Obviously if the MIL was being a huge pain and toxic etc then yes cut her off to protect DD.

I wouldn’t send them given your DD seems to want to break ties with the father given his failure to maintain contact. This GM links to him and has not made any effort over the last few years and is harbouring her son who avoids all parenting responsibilities. If she loved your DD she would be telling her son to do his duty, pay CM and make regular contact. I would cut the whole family off.

If mil had behaved like a decent person and chucked her arsehole of a son out and refused to slow him to not work so he couldn’t give his child and wife nothing then I would have thought differently about her but she’s helped the arsehole!! HELPED him !!

Thank you, everyone. I’ve been reading all the comments. I feel sad that DD carries this anger at such a young age. I hope that, in the future, she may change her mind, and I would encourage her if she decided to have a relationship with her grandma. I would be willing to take her abroad to visit her, as I think it would be good for DD to know she has extended family beyond the maternal side.
I also think one of the reasons ex-mil reached out in a very dramatic way is that she may feel guilty for not allowing her own children to have contact with their paternal side of the family (she has 4 children with 3 dads). She once told me that she used to tell her kids, “I’d be so upset if you contacted your dad or his/their family.”
Now that she is older, she may be reflecting on how her exes’ families felt in the past hence all the tears...again this is just a speculation.

Or she’s just feeling sorry for herself.

I think the onus is on grandma to come over and visit you unless she’s decrepit.

That's really horrendous on her part. To alienate a child from their parent is a terrible thing. I suppose you could ask her if she regrets that or feels guilt. If she doesn't I wouldn't have much respect for her.

That may be partly why her son is how he is.

This is the definition of using your children as a weapon. Trying to hurt people by withholding photos of their grandchildren when they played no part in their son’s behaviour is cruel.

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

YABU to punish your DD's grandmother for her son's behaviour. Poor woman - send her photos and let your DD develop a relationship with her grandmother.

If he’s shown such little interest then I doubt he’s going to be asking to see updates via his mum. She’s a separate person to her son and if she wants to have a relationship with your DD then that could be beneficial - for example by showing your DD that it’s her dad that is the problem and other family members care for her still. (I know obviously that’s the case already, but children can often have feelings of inadequacy/self doubt when a parent abandons them.)

I think you should be doing this to maintain a grandmother relationship for your daughter in the longer term.

That\s what I was thinking.

He’s recreating with his DD his dynamic of absent father. Maybe he thinks fathers are dispensible.

How am I using my child as a weapon when she has my address, my number, and could easily get DD's number yet has never once asked how DD was doing in a very very long time, not even when DD was in hospital due to her chronic illness? The last time she called was only to enquire about the child maintenance application I made, likely trying to dissuade me from pursuing it so her son wouldn’t have to pay.

I'd reply and say that you are pleased that the contact made her day, that's lovely to hear. However, even just leaving a voice note has stirred up a lot of upset for DD associated with her dad choosing to be absent and not responding when she contacts him. As a result, as much as you appreciate it brings joy to hear from DD, you cannot use her to provide that joy. You would be happy to send occasional photos though. If she would like an actual relationship that meets DD's needs sufficiently, she is welcome to come plan a trip locally and see DD, with regular contact after that. Anything less than that is going to be hurtful and best avoided, as abandonment her father has inflicted on her has left deep wounds.

I would send the photos. At least she acknowledges he's done wrong. I'd probably outline all the things he's done to make her aware of everything.

People can say all they want about this man, but ultimately, this man has been selected for having a child, and has been able to leave with absolutely no consequences. So he has won, regardless of what happens now.

I think sending a few photos on WhatsApp and a friendly chatty message is a lovely thing to do, she obviously does care but also is an awkward position because of her no hope son