Ex-mother in law begging and crying for DD's photos

[Nia34]

My ex mother-in-law, whom I got on okay with, has recently reached out to me on WhatsApp, literally begging me to send her pictures of DD (7 years old). I have not spoken to her in over two years.

Her son and I officially separated in early 2022. He cheated and moved overseas (Europe) to be with the AP. He was and is living with his mum. He tried to make us homeless and left his job to avoid paying child maintenance (he worked for a UK company). He has made sure to remain jobless and is now only considering jobs in the UAE as it is a non-REMO country. He made the divorce process absolute hell. Went to court over finances, lied about everything.

Since the end of 2021, he has been largely absent from DD’s life because he lives abroad. However, whenever he reached out, I allowed contact. Whenever he visited (no more than twice a year for a few days and not specifically to see DD), I let him spend as much time with her as he wished.

We tried to set up a call schedule, but he refused. He bought her a phone so he could contact her, as according to him, I was in the way, yet he rarely did call/message. DD had to call him every time, and he wouldn’t answer. Messages would go unanswered for days, and he never tried to communicate unless DD initiated the conversation.

I eventually had to stop all phone contact with him because DD was extremely upset after his last visit. He stayed for 3 months, primarily due to court hearings, and then left again without even saying bye to her. I have sent a letter (in May this year) offering consistent contact since, but he has not responded.

DD and I went through a very difficult time over the years. She was very young, and it was extremely hard for her to understand why her dad did not make her a priority. It was incredibly painful for both of us.
Now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and has set a clear boundary both at home and at school: no one is allowed to bring up her dad in conversation, as she says it makes her feel angry and upset. She refuses to call him “Daddy” and instead refers to him as “that man.”

Anyway, his mum was very upset about the divorce and did not want it to happen. On the voice note, she said she misses us and that it is not her fault her son behaves the way he does. She went on to literally beg for pictures of DD. I sent her a couple of pictures, and DD sent a voice note saying hello, how are you etc. She replied crying, saying I had made her day.

I feel conflicted because him and his family have not bothered to ask how DD is for months and months, literally to the point where they would not have known whether she was alive or dead. And I feel a bit annoyed that he gets to see her and receive updates (through his mum) without even trying.

AIBU to send photos? Should I continue to send photos if she asks, or should I stop if it happens again in the future?

For more context to the situation, DD’s contact with her grandmother has always been very limited, primarily because she lives abroad. Before 2022, we would usually see her only once a year, typically in December, for a week or two. During those visits, DD had the opportunity to spend time with her, but it was always brief and infrequent.

Since 2022, she has not regularly reached out to check on DD, even during periods when DD was unwell and frequently in hospital, which her son was fully aware of. I tried to maintain contact by sending cards and well-wishes for different occasions, and by keeping her on social media so she could see updates about DD. However, earlier this year, I deleted all of his family from my social media.

The last contact I recall was a call she made upon hearing about the child maintenance claim, which I did not answer.

Overall, contact between DD and her grandmother has been infrequent and inconsistent. While DD has some recognition of her grandmother, there is little ongoing emotional connection.

He lives with his mum? She is supporting him not having a job, so he doesn't have to send maintenance? Does she send maintenance herself?

Not necessarily
The daughter is clearly saying she is not ready to discuss this
Therapy only works when the person is ready for it
I can remember having counselling about my dad ...(same situation as this little dd ) And it traumatized me ..I wasn't ready to talk about the situation,and being made to talk when I wasn't ready to ,made things so much worse
This DD has drawn her line in the sand ...and stated her boundaries
That needs respecting

i’d send an honest message to ex MIL.

explain how upset your Dd is over her father’s abandonment. And how she hasn’t had contact from any of her paternal family for so long. Tell her that you’re supporting your DD to heal right now and are respecting her wish not to share updates. If you feel inclined, offer an olive branch that you’ll be back in touch if things change on the future. In the meantime, you’ll be muting contact.

then let DD know you’ve got her back. She won’t be contacted by her fathers family unless she tells you she’d welcome it.

poor young thing. And poor you. I hope life is looking up for you both.

Do whatever is best for your DD.

Why would you bother? The woman abandoned you just like her son did. You owe her nothing

I think this. And I’d say I’m sure you’re aware of the efforts he’s gone to to pay nothing for his daughter, and nobody reached out when she was in hospital several times. I think you’re just contacting us for your benefit, and I’m only doing things that benefit Dd. She’s really struggled with her dad’s abandonment and I don’t see how contact with you will help, knowing he lives with you. And to be really honest, you support him so he can not work so he doesn’t get made to pay anything for his daughter, so you are not a good influence in dds life either.

This reaction seems a bit off for a 7 year old she should just be getting on with her young life.

This 100pc

It's always good for children to have extended family and many people who love them. At the end of the day, it is your daughter's decision. Does she want to have a relationship with her grandma? It is doable to have a grandparent/grandchild relationship while keeping the ex in the background, but of course, it won't be easy. Still my personal feeling is that, unless the extended family is abusive, it's better for the child to have some kind of relationship with them.

Exactly. And no thought of how op was coping financially, and the shitshow her son has caused and all the damage to dd.

I would send MIL a text saying, after the trauma, poverty and distress he has caused dd and since MiL hasn’t made an effort to stay in touch or help in any way, you’re reluctant to encourage her to be in DD’s life because you are afraid mil will let dd down just like her dad has done and you can’t risk dd being damaged further by MIL or her family.

Grandparents do not have a right to see their grandchildren, but grandchildren have the right to see their grandparents, and courts actually are quick to grant that access.

Children thrive in a wide community of family and she is her grandmother.

Your ex sounds vile and I am sorry what he put you through, but you as the adult should actually be encouraging that relationship between her and her grandmother, provided the grandmother isn't harmful or a bad addition to your daughter's life.

I could have written this post word for word 24 years ago. The EXACT same thing and same circumstances.

My DD loved her Nanny so, although her son was an absolute pile of shit, I kept the contact there with her and her grand daughter. After all, its not her fault that he treated us both the way that he did. She was not personally responsible so why punish her for his twattery.

My DD has had a lovely relationship with her Nanny and Grandad from 'his' side of the family although we have absolutely nothing to do with him, and him with her. We still meet up now, even though my DD is now an adult and he NEVER gets spoken about, referred to or mentioned during our meetings. As far as all of us are concerned it has only ever been about my DD and the relationship she has with her grandparents.

I think denying your DD access to her biological grandparents on his side is not the right thing for your DD and she seems to want it.

Be the bigger person here because this is absolutely NOT about him. This is about your DD and her Nanny keeping a relationship with one another so just look at it that way and forget he exists when it comes to this.

I am not saying going overboard and putting yourself out constantly for this, but a little effort to keep them in contact now and again would be nice for everyone all round.

I actually liked my ex's Mum and wanted to keep seeing her also. I still have a lot of love for her so that helped in my circumstances.

If your DD gets to a point where she doesn't want to see or have anything to do with her Nanny that is another thing. But for now, if she seems keen, I would allow this relationship to continue.

i would insist that she keeps the photos for herself, and that she does not show them to her son. If you get the slightest inkling that she has, that will be it.

See how she reacts to that?

I wonder why this has become such an issue for her now.

I think this too op.

The MIL is correct that it isn't her fault, and she may have asked earlier but was unsure how the approach would be taken.

Parenting is tough, and if she can be another person on this planet who loves your child, I wouldn't be pushing that away just to stop your ex seeing the occasional photo. You won't even know if he's seen them., and if he's behaved as you have described, I doubt a photo will suddenly make him change his stance dramatically.

I understand your resentment of him, but this is about you DD, MIL and you, and if you can build a symbiotic rapport between the three of you, I don't think that's a bad thing. She's admitted her son's behaviour was wrong.

Don't listen to this, OP. You MIL sounds like a good person. It would be so mean and nasty to treat her like this.

I wouldn't tbh. The son lives with this woman/grandmother and so she's facilitating the fact he's dodging paying any child support for his own kid. And none of them have bothered to get in touch for years, and when they do it's both sporadic and dramatic. Not healthy. It'll only end up hurting and upsetting the DD in the long term and it's not worth it.

Why does she sound like a good person? She hasn't been in touch for over 2 years.

Nope. You don’t owe this woman anything.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your suggestions and for sharing your stories and similar experiences. I’m also sorry for those who have had to go through experiences where their exes and their families have not bothered with their children.

I have also been wondering why DD has developed what seems like a strong hatred toward her dad. I’m not sure whether it’s because she is older now and understands what abandonment is, or if it’s something else, especially as she seemed very happy when he was here for 3 months.
She spent most weekends with him, as well as one or two days during the week, and most of the holidays, including the October and winter break.

What part of infrequent and inconsistent outreach, including when the granddaughter has been unwell, suggests the MIL is a good person? It sounds like she was happy enough to receive updates on social media without being actively involved, and as soon as those updates stopped suddenly she realises she's got no connection or access. Cry me a river.

I also don't think it's 'mean' to suggest a mother communicate with her own son regarding updates on that son's child. If anything it should spur the MIL into recognising she and her son have let this girl down, and don't really deserve the updates.

OP is a single mother, raising her daughter with no support from these people. The exP behaved atrociously and is living with his mother to avoid paying child support. MIL and exP would not be getting any time, headspace or kindness from me I'm afraid.

This is a difficult one. Ultimately your role as a Mum is to look after the well being of your child.

Negative points against your MIL -

• She had done nothing to keep the relationship between DGD and her alive
• She is actively supporting and accommodating her son in his failings as a father by letting him live with her when he is not working.
• My concern would be that she feeds any info to her son that he may use against you.
• Why has it taken her this long to reach out?
• She had limited contact prior to the split, does she make any effort to come visit?
• No-way would I let me daughter go to see her and I know that is not being asked for now, but if any relationship is fostered, it will come up in the future.

Positive Points for MIL -

• She may genuinely be trying to maintain a relationship with her GDD and be embarrassed by his behaviour but he is her son.
• Is she well enough to travel and can she speak English - do you speak their language? This limits possibilities.

I would also be very wary in this situation as it sounds like he is dodging all responsibility and upsetting your DD in the process.

If it were me, I would write her a letter with a couple of photo's enclosed, explaining that you appreciate she is Granny and may want to have a relationship with her DGD but why has she left it so long and as a mother herself, does she not understand how upsetting all of this is for DGD, being abandoned by her DF who makes no effort to financially or emotionally support his own child? Tell her that her lack of contact with her DGD over the years does not fill you with confidence that a proper relationship with her DGD will be maintained and you cannot contend the idea of your DD being hurt further.

However, with your DD permission you will send DGM a couple of photos at Christmas and on your MILs birthday as a gesture of goodwill because you have no desire to come between a possible relationship (at distance) between your daughter and her DGM but need to see that there is no negative intent in that relationship for some time (and this would be years), before it could be anything more.

But then what ever you say, DF will use it against you if he can, and thats why i say try to be reasonable to minimise his potential to use it as ammo. But again, if he was being a half decent Father, he could be arranging for granny to see your daughter, so I'd maybe point out that it is her son that is creating this situation and not you.

I guess you don’t know what story evil Ex has told her.

I would send updates of DD.

Families are really complicated. There may be all sorts of reasons why MIL was not in contact, but she is now. I wouldn't necessarily greet what she is saying with open arms, but your daughter has indicated she wants contact. She seems like a smart child and I would be led by her wants rather than my own justifiable resentments.