Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

291 replies

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
IAxolotlQuestions · 15/12/2025 09:27

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 00:50

If she's threatening suicide/murder, call the police. If she's doing it to manipulate you, let her explain that to the police before they take her in and put her on suicide watch. If she's serious, she is having a psych emergency and needs immediate evaluation and treatment.

You can't live your life to please you mother. Do not change your plans.

This^^.

She's currently the person caring for someone with possible dementia, and is seemingly threatening suicide. Call the police/social services and tell then she's had a completely unhinged reaction to you moving, that you are concerned for her welfare and for that of your dad. If nothing else, SS will need to assess and she might actually be forced to accept proper help rather than thinking that she can just load it all onto you.

IAxolotlQuestions · 15/12/2025 09:29

LancashireButterPie · 15/12/2025 09:23

Noooo, please don't do this. You will just be diverting essential emergency resources from someone who really needs them, just up make a point.

Show quote history

You should always take threats of suicide seriously: Suicide warning signs

Whether you think she might be serious or not - unless you're a professional who deals with this stuff, you can't know. If resources are diverted unnecessarily, its on the person who weaponised suicide, not the person who called.

Witknit · 15/12/2025 09:29

Cardinalita90 · 15/12/2025 00:31

Oof that sounds difficult OP. I think this time you have to follow through - a) to get on with living the life you want to live and b) to show it's not an empty threat (she might perceive it as such given you've mentioned it before and not followed through).

No doubt grief from her bereavement and stress about your dad is feeding into her extreme reaction. At some point its worth sitting down with your siblings and agreeing what support you can all reasonably offer to your dad as his congitive abilities decline, and then sit with your mum and talk her through this and social care support too. We have a family member going through dementia and the toll is immense on his carer so your mum may well be frightened of the future.

Best of luck OP!

Great response.
I was put in a similar position by my mother a year after the death of my dad. I didnt move (abroad) and spent a life regretting it and (i think) grieving a little for the life I would've had.
Like your mother, mine was a flawed individual (with whom I eventually reduced contact) and I did eventually move away to a wonderful place that I love. But I really wish my kids had grown up here and feel I was treading water for 20 years wishing I was somewhere else!
Don't be that person. Follow your dream and the advice of the poster above. Your siblings sound supportive which is a real help
Good luck

Rosscameasdoody · 15/12/2025 09:31

rookiemere · 15/12/2025 09:12

Well as OP won’t be there to do any of the caring I would think it’s up to the DM to determine how much she can do herself. Unless the DPs are multi millionaires ( which I think might have been mentioned) she won’t be “sticking “ him in a home if self funding and the state has very strict criteria about when they will pay for a home, so the DM will be on her knees with it all before that will be allowed to happen.

Show quote history

I was about to say something similar, having cared for my DM for the last five years. She’s living with us, so would be reliant on LA funding for full time care. The criteria for this is very very strict and at the moment, despite her condition being advanced, the LA will only provide care at home, for which she has to make a significant contribution, as she has no financial interest in our home, so is not deemed to have any significant living expenses. If she had a property to sell to fund her care, it would be very different.

The system is very harsh and we found out to our cost, that if relatives show any willingness to help out, the LA will only provide the minimum. Mum has an LPA, which states that she doesn’t want to go into full time care unless absolutely necessary, but it won’t make any difference when that time comes, because the decision will be made by professionals and based on her best interests, not preference.

sandyhappypeople · 15/12/2025 09:32

When I met my DH his sibling was living abroad, they'd taken their two very young children with them, and to be honest it broke my MIL for a long time, she didn't throw threats around or anything like that, she pretended all was fine, but in reality she sank into a deep depression and had to be medicated for years just to function, she described it as grief, they eventually came back and the kids were older at that point, and their relationships resumed quite nicely, but she never really got over losing that close relationship/bond she had with them as little children.

My point is you should do what you need to do for your own family, your decisions should never be swayed by anyone outside your immediate family, but please don't disregard the effect that decision may have on other people and their relationships with you/your children, your DM may be lashing out about the care of your dad, but there may be a multitude of things going on there that she may not feel she can talk about, she's grieving her own mum, your dad's diagnosis and now this..

I'd be sensitive and completely non combative/argumentative, but gently make it clear that you will be going through with your plans, but there's absolutely no need to poke the bear.

Potteryclass1 · 15/12/2025 09:33

I think your last paragraph sums it up. It’s not just emotional immaturity- it’s emotional abuse.

there is no easy answer, except that
you need to do what’s best for you
you can’t control your mums outbursts
she won’t change
it’s going to be difficult to manage because her priority seems to be causing disruption and damage.

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2025 09:33

Move away.

Ilikeryebread · 15/12/2025 09:37

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

My mum died not so long ago.

She was very manipulative and essentially not a nice person. Yes, she always made sure I was fed and clean, but she wasn't a great mum, she had a lot of personal issues, I tried my best to help her in her late years, nothing was good enough, and she was impossible to change.

It took me a long time to accept this, focus on your own children and help her as much as you can, but from a distance.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 09:39

If you want to move, OP, then you should. You can't live your life for your parents, especially as you'll still live a huge chunk of your life without them after they've gone. You're only going down south, not to Australia!

Happyjoe · 15/12/2025 09:43

Sorry, didn't read all the thread..

Us kids had it the other way, parents moved from Brighton to Cornwall, then complained bitterly that we didn't go see them very often! I managed every 6 weeks, but my brothers once a year.

Go OP, you owe it to yourselves to live the life you want to. Being told your parents made sacrifices for you growing up is unkind and manipulative. Even as a very basic, you had no say being born! If your mum only had children so they could look after her when she's old then she shouldn't have had children.

Hopefully she will calm down.

gloriousrhino · 15/12/2025 09:49

My mother was very similar to yours. My dad got dementia and I was always sure some of it was due to the stress of living with her. Don't let her intimidate you and as PPs have said, live the life which is best for you, your partner and your children. Threats of suicide etc are the tools of manipulation. Usually people who are serious about it do it quietly and unexpectedly. But a good idea to see it as a safeguarding issue and get outside agencies involved.

rwalker · 15/12/2025 09:50

Unfortunately you couldn’t if picked a worse time to do this

From personal experience in the family a potential dementia diagnosis is terrifying for all involved
there’s no happy future ,years of misery ,all the plans for retirement shattered and years of being a carer it’s no life

sorry to be blunt but this is the stark reality of the situation it’s hell I’ve been there

UxmalFan · 15/12/2025 09:51

It's hard when someone has always been 'tricky' but cut DM some slack now. She's bereaved and terrified at the prospect of managing the next stage of her life which will be desperately upsetting and exhausting if your DF does have dementia. Give her some space to calm down before you contact her again.
If you go ahead with moving away, think about ways you might be able to support her from a distance and tell her that you'll still be in touch and visiting as often as possible.

SlightlyHeartbroken · 15/12/2025 09:56

It’s loss coming out as anger and despair. She has just lost her mother, is losing her husband and is now losing her daughter and grandchildren. I would reassure her you will visit regularly and she is welcome to visit you and offer support for caring for your dad even if that support is remote. Imagine your husband receives a terminal but long term diagnosis, wouldn’t you need family support?

Comtesse · 15/12/2025 09:56

With that sort if behaviour I’d be looking to move much, much further away. Suicide threats? No no no.

She’s got a damn cheek assuming it’s going to be you picking up the caring responsibilities when you have 3 kids and your siblings are nearby.

Hold the line OP it’s not you that is being unreasonable.

Ukefluke · 15/12/2025 09:57

I had a controlling mother who did outrageous things...........one example being intercepting my mail when I graduated from Uni and destroying interview offers from companies which weren't local. That just one of many awful conrolling things she did.

She died relatively young . My dad didn't have dementia but when he was pretty old, just a bit frail but independent still, I asked him to move in with us which he did and we all lived very happily until he died too ( I have a very nice husband, but I would have done the same for his mum). I wouldn't have ever considered moving away from him. But as only child maybe you feel the responsibility more.

Not justifiying her actions but it is down to her own fears. And she was probably brought up the same way.
Also, she is being pilloried for scuppering your own Dads dreams. She was actually perfectly entitled not to want to live in another country. If my husband took it into his head to want to do that, I wouldn't go either.

herbalteabag · 15/12/2025 09:59

I don't think you should change your plans at all. After all, this is your dream and you can't sacrifice your own lives. Most parents would miss their children but want them to be happy.
Your DM is obviously very fearful about the future so I would keep discussing your plans so that she knows it's definitely going to happen, but at the same time address her concerns about the future - where help will come from, how often you could visit her, etc etc. so that she comes to realise she will be able to manage. If you don't go when you said you would, it will just be worse later on, or you'll never go.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 15/12/2025 09:59

If your DM decided she wanted to up and move she'd probably do it without asking for permission.

No idea of your DC's ages but go while you're all young enough to settle and enjoy your years.

As I always say life's no dress rehearsal, we only get one chance.

InSpainTheRain · 15/12/2025 10:00

Stand firm and follow the plan that you and DH want. As I was an only child my mum also went nuclear when I moved to Hong Kong for 3 years to take a contract job a few years ago - so glad I ignored her and did it! Your mum also has no right to expect you to pick up the slack with your Dad. Probably, due to your Dad it is best you move anyway - otherwise she'll want you to pick up that extra work. I also have adults DCs now, and I want them to take opportunities and live their lives to the best.

My advice would be stop consulting them and talking to them about it - just get on and do it!

skyeisthelimit · 15/12/2025 10:01

OP, I agree with PP who have said call the police to do a welfare check. Also, you can report them to SS if you have concerns for their welfare.

Also, it sounds like your mum would benefit from counselling to deal with her life.

It is hard on her if you move, but if you don't do it now, you never will.

Limon87 · 15/12/2025 10:01

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

I don’t have advice, but I will tell you that at 20 I had a bit of a breakdown following the death of a friend. I went for counselling and other things got explored, and it became very clear my mam was a narcissist and a difficult person who I needed to get away from in order to recover and be happy.

It’s tough because I do love her, but she is only nice when like you say things are transactional and she’s in control/getting what she wants.

Anyway at the age of 20 I transferred my uni course locally to one four hours away and she went absolutely ballistic. Said all sorts of things to me about how selfish I was, how I was going to fail etc. I remember being so hurt but just knew I had to get away. We didn’t speak for two weeks but hats off to her she eventually cracked.

Since then I’ve actually moved country and over the years embedded boundaries she detests and sulks at. I won’t go home for Xmas ever (it’s a hour flight) because it’s never about my husband and our son; we’re expected to slot in to whatever she wants to do even if it doesn’t work for us. If I say anything remotely against these plans she starts crying. You get the jist.

it’s hard and at 38 years old, I am still so sad that this is my mother. I look back on my childhood now I’m a mum and realise so much of how she raised my siblings and I was always focused on her needs.

But the peace I have has always been worth the wars. I had to accept my mam a long time ago and while I’ve largely healed it can still be tough when her horrible ways raise their head. But it’s been the making of me and my mental health moving away from her.

So I would say continue with your move, ignore the war of words and just live your life for you and your kids. On the low days where you are full of guilt, maybe speak to someone (counselling has been great in enabling me to accept my mum; understand her and also justify the need to be away from her). Just remember that you are doing all this for you and your kids and their happiness.

Sending hugs and love your way x

junglejunglebear · 15/12/2025 10:01

@YourWittyLion You will find that people who know what you are dealing with will get your decision, and people who don't will tell you it's unkind and you owe your mother and what about her feelings and blah blah blah.

It sounds like your mother has on her own devised her long term plan for dealing with old age, and it's you. You didn't get any say in this and it was probably put in place a very long time ago, possibly even in childhood, because you've said you have people pleasing tendencies and it's clear that she's still exerting quite a significant degree of control over your life choices. Lots of emotional guilt tripping and selfish nonsense. Even without that, caring for someone with dementia takes a team and your father may not even want you to take on the burden in the first place.

Children do not exist to serve their parents. We're not servants, therapists, PA's, emotional support dogs, general dogs bodies, or there to provide them with someone they can safely bully. Sadly a lot of people struggle to grasp this, and that's why the cycle continues through generations. It takes courage to break the cycle. You have to be able to bear the weight of guilt and other people's expectations and to say no and mean it. You have to be able to step back and say yes, that work needs to be done and that support is required but I am not the person to give it. Find it from someone else.

I did move from north to south about twenty years ago, BTW, and have never regretted it. I have a much better quality of life here and I've been able to discover and reinvent myself away from the expectations of family, which are that I would always be the one to clean up their mess. Funnily enough, once I withdrew my services, the family very quickly reorganised to find themselves a new dogsbody, so although I was made to feel like no-one could do it but me, that simply wasn't true.

FWIW, the initial move from north to south came about because my mother had moved south and I faced a constant barrage of whining and complaining that I was too far away and she didn't see her GC enough. We quadrupled our mortgage to move and she complained that it was still too far away (less than an hour). She made this huge fuss about it, about how she wanted to be a hands on grandmother and I was denying her that. And then, after all that, after we took on this huge debt and moved half way across the country, she sold up and moved abroad without a moment's hesitation.

Marmalade71 · 15/12/2025 10:03

Live your life OP. And if that means going no / very limited contact with your batshit selfish mother so be it.
No one should be having kids as their insurance for old age. Vile woman

LimeSqueezer · 15/12/2025 10:05

You should tell her that you'd been feeling guilty and nervous about the move, but her reaction has very helpfully clarified everything for you and you no longer feel any guilt and are looking forward to getting away! Really, you should be thanking her for the clarity her response has brought.

Stoufer · 15/12/2025 10:13

@YourWittyLion It sounds like a very tricky situation all round.
How old are your kids, OP?
Does your DM have a close relationship with them; has she done a lot of childcare over the years? If so, this may be a reason why she may have been feeling secure in the fact that you would be around to support her and DF as they got older, if she has given you a lot of help.

I moved away to University at 18, and never moved back home, it has meant not having the support of close family with my kids, and now that parents are older and frailer, it means tha life is very tricky with regular travel to stay / help out / share the caring.

I think if there is not a compelling (external) reason for you to move away now (eg job or whatever), then it may appear to your Mum to be in direct response to her / their increasing need for support, and your wish to avoid this - even if this is not true, it might appear that way to her, so may have caused a much more panicked and emotional response than she should have given.