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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

291 replies

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Apfelkuchen · 15/12/2025 08:47

Stand firm. My MIL had a year long hissy fit when DH and I moved 200 miles away. She just made herself look ridiculous and unhinged. She did come off it once she realised that she was, ironically, driving us further away, emotionally.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 15/12/2025 08:48

It does sound as if you need to move away from your mother, come what may, but I'm another one wondering whether a move South is the way to go. My DS went the other way and has never regretted the move North, particularly for the benefits it gave to his family in terms of quality of life.

Boomer55 · 15/12/2025 08:48

You need to live your own life. When my son emigrated to America, I was sad but outwardly smiling all the way.

But, your mum is obviously still a bit traumatised from her mother’s death, and on top of that she’s probably worried sick about your Dad.

So, try and take that into account.

nomoremsniceperson · 15/12/2025 08:48

OP, I feel for you. Being someone's daughter doesn't confer indentured servitude. You have done your bit living near your parents and now it's time to attend to your own needs. Good luck with the move.

HappyFace2025 · 15/12/2025 08:50

Yesterday DD1 was talking about her in laws who live in another part of the UK. Their health is declining and there is a disabled adult child who will need care in the future when they are no longer here. DD intimated that she and her family may have to move to undertake that care at some point even though there are other members of the immediate family to do so.
My first thought was 'what about me? I'm older ...' Obv I didn't say anything as it may not happen, but I felt abandoned. Not too strong a word, as I have been abandoned in the past by my own parents. I imagine that OP's mother is feeling extremely scared just now even with other children close by.
That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't live her life as she wants. Of course she should, but nobody should be surprised at what seems to be an overreaction on the part of her DM. My own mother threatened suicide when I left home at the age of 27 and didn't speak to me for six months after I left.

longtompot · 15/12/2025 08:50

ThisAutumnTown · 15/12/2025 00:39

Call her bluff and ring an ambulance/the police. Tell them that you’d like them to do a welfare check as she’s threatening suicide.
I bet she’ll be so mortified, she’ll stop using it as a way to manipulate you.

With regards to everything else, you live one life so do what you want to do. As you said, your children come first so if you think this is the best thing for them, do it.

I agree, this is what I would do.
Of course a parent would miss their child, no matter how old they are, if they move away from home, but to behave this way because their supposed future carer won't be at hand!
Keep on with your plans to move, I think it would do you and your family the world of good. Your poor dad sounds resigned to his life choices but is I imagine thrilled you will be following yours.

FollowSpot · 15/12/2025 08:50

From your Mum’s POV the timing is terrible, with the loss of her Mum and your Dad’s condition. Added to ‘taking her grandchildren away’ . So I would not be surprised at an initial reaction of considerable upset from the most stable and loving of parents.

But obviously there is a lot more at play here, with your Mums additional manipulation etc. And she’s panicking.

Of course you need to pursue your plans for the life that suits you and your DH. It would probably have been easier had you gone years ago … all you can do now is gird your loins for the extra hoo ha and upset. Just keep calmly repeating that you will visit, that you are still family, that you will help her get the skilled support in place when she needs it. And “I know it’s sad Mum , but it’s normal for people to move for work and life”.

Good luck. Take a deep breath and see it as the People Pleasing Tax for not having moved 10 years ago, but know you have gained clarity and the freedom that comes with that.

Mischance · 15/12/2025 08:53

How near to Mum are your siblings?

I think you have to follow your dream whilst at the same time making sure that your parents know you want to keep in contact by WhatsApp/phone etc. YOu can also be involved in any care needs from a distance - e.g. I ordered my Dad's weekly supermarket delivery on his card.

It sounds as though your DM is terrified about your DF's diagnosis so your decision has, as you will realize, come at a bad time for her. It is unfortunate that her response is so OTT that it is hard for you to talk practicalities with her over contact.

As a grandparent myself I can absolutely understand that the she will miss you and the GC, but I also know that I did not bring my children up for the sole purpose of making me happy. One of my AC and their family live about 4 hours away, while the other two live nearer. It is a joy for me to be involved in their lives, but I live my own life, organised all the care for my late OH, and generally behave like an independent human being, in spite of some recent health limitations. Their help is an add-on - it is down to me to organise any help I need myself.

I am sorry that this slightly hysterical manipulation is coming your way, but all you can do is to acknowledge her hurt and keep reiterating the ways in which you will keep in touch. She is wrong to have the expectation that you will be the carer in this situation.

youarebeingsoextrarightnow · 15/12/2025 08:56

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 01:16

@sittingonabeach
In all honesty this has been one of the biggest struggles in making this decision and something I do worry about.
I think the conversations I've had with my dad recently and also what he's mentioned to my siblings, have solidified that given the chance again my dad would have chosen a different life and moved to a different country (he never did as my DM refused). He regrets it massively! He has so many regrets 😪 And I know that he if my mum wasn't manipulating him to her way of thinking, he would be supportive and encourage us to go!
Ultimately i don't want to get to my dads age and look back at my life and have regrets like he does because he allowed others to control his life!

Unfortunately i think my mum has decided in her mind that it was me that should be picking up the slack with my dad, so she can continue to work herself. She has hinted that Dsis is a single mum and DB is self employed and the breadwinner, so neither of them can or should step up. But because i'm self employed (but not the breadwinner), geographically closest to them, I would be doing it! Which even if we stayed would not be the case as financially or personally I don't have the resources to do that and be his carer like she thinks!
It's a really tricky situation 😞

While your dad still has capacity, get LPOA put in place so your mam can't manipulate the situation and just stick him in a home.

I think her reaction may have been exacerbated by your fathers ongoing diagnosis and the uncertainty of what the future holds, dementia is a terminal illness. That said, you can't put your life on hold.

How will your sister and brother feel about you moving away with a diagnosis looming?

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 15/12/2025 08:57

I too am interested in why The South particularly appeals? Do you have a link there?
To be honest though, I would emigrate to the Southern Hemisphere to get away from this woman!
Also, as others have said, with your Father's declining cognition, she's threatening Murder-Suicide.
Make her aware of this and that you will all be reporting her threats to the authorities - and absolutely do so.

littleblackcat1 · 15/12/2025 08:57

Focus on finding a way to live your own life guilt free, with counselling if necessary.

The way your mother wants things would put you on course for your own ill health where you wouldn’t be able to support her anyway.

It would be long term, high stress, making you vulnerable to your own health problems in the very near future. You’d have to make alternative arrangements for her anyway, so do it now.

Luckyingame · 15/12/2025 09:02

Well, just move. And as far as you can and very soon.
Full stop. 😊

LynseyDenton · 15/12/2025 09:02

Her response is very poor but the attitude to work on here baffles me somewhat. It’s like some people view it as a choice that people make.

Someone up thread described OP’s mum as wanting to continue to “waft into work” while OP did the caring. Does the OP’s mum not need to continue work to, I don’t know, feed and house them?

If my husband was anticipating a dementia diagnosis the thought of trying to care for him and work to stop us from going under altogether would weigh very heavily.

ThisHazelPombear · 15/12/2025 09:03

It doesn’t matter “why the south”, you’re all getting fixated on why this region.

I can’t see why two of my in-laws chose the north but I button it.

Nutmuncher · 15/12/2025 09:04

We actually did this OP but also moved back fairly quickly because the dream lifestyle we envisioned by the sea meant being 5 hours away from family and friends which initially didn’t bother us and we naively assumed people would come to visit etc. Actually living the reality of that distance was a challenge and we knew it was a mistake quickly, moving back was a priority for our sanity.

So whilst your DM sounds like a nightmare and someone you’d gladly move away from, there is something to consider about leaving everyone else behind. Be absolutely certain it’s the right decision for you all.

localbutterfly · 15/12/2025 09:10

She never should have been an active part of your decision to move or not move. Sure, take her situation and your desire to be geographically close to her and for the children to spend time with her into consideration but she does NOT get a vote. The decision is yours and your partner's, no one else. Go live your lives!

rookiemere · 15/12/2025 09:12

youarebeingsoextrarightnow · 15/12/2025 08:56

While your dad still has capacity, get LPOA put in place so your mam can't manipulate the situation and just stick him in a home.

I think her reaction may have been exacerbated by your fathers ongoing diagnosis and the uncertainty of what the future holds, dementia is a terminal illness. That said, you can't put your life on hold.

How will your sister and brother feel about you moving away with a diagnosis looming?

Show quote history

Well as OP won’t be there to do any of the caring I would think it’s up to the DM to determine how much she can do herself. Unless the DPs are multi millionaires ( which I think might have been mentioned) she won’t be “sticking “ him in a home if self funding and the state has very strict criteria about when they will pay for a home, so the DM will be on her knees with it all before that will be allowed to happen.

UsernameMcUsername · 15/12/2025 09:13

Your mother is being bonkers, but I'm also curiously about the moving down south? I moved the other way and wouldn't go back for anything 😂I've lived all over and can't think of anything in the south that isn't also available somewhere in the north, unless you're looking for a) progression in a specific career b) London c) very posh seaside. Could you look at options that still tick most of your boxes but are somewhat closer?

Vartden · 15/12/2025 09:14

Everything in the south is so much more expensive. Hope youve factored that in.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 15/12/2025 09:15

user1471538283 · 15/12/2025 07:58

I always think people's choice of words is very telling. The suicide threat was just anger.

The words were you were being set up to be their carer. No.

The suicide threat is emotional terrorism. It is abuse. The volume of mealy-mouthed apologetics for abuse on this thread is extraordinary.

Kokonimater · 15/12/2025 09:15

Please don’t let this awful emotional manipulation and control stop you from following your dreams.

RightSheSaid · 15/12/2025 09:22

I think she scared of your dad's potential diagnosis. It's pretty overwhelming and in all honestly dementia is brutal for spouses. My nan has dementia and her deterioration has been horrible to witness and realistically I haven't had to live with it.

If you want to move there's nothing she or anyone else can do about it. I'm sure she and your dad have made sacrifices for you but they chose to have you and that what parents do. The expectation of future care is unreasonable.

I think when you need to separate your relationship with your mum and your dad's relationship with her. They are very different things. As adults they both made choices.

Anyways, good luck with the move.

UsernameMcUsername · 15/12/2025 09:22

Also whenever I've heard anyone in real life talk of 'following their dream' to move somewhere, its generally a bad idea. Maybe I'm just a jaded cynic 😂

LancashireButterPie · 15/12/2025 09:23

longtompot · 15/12/2025 08:50

I agree, this is what I would do.
Of course a parent would miss their child, no matter how old they are, if they move away from home, but to behave this way because their supposed future carer won't be at hand!
Keep on with your plans to move, I think it would do you and your family the world of good. Your poor dad sounds resigned to his life choices but is I imagine thrilled you will be following yours.

Show quote history

Noooo, please don't do this. You will just be diverting essential emergency resources from someone who really needs them, just up make a point.

CalculatingCrispen · 15/12/2025 09:24

because i'm self employed (but not the breadwinner), geographically closest to them, I would be doing it!

You have it spot on.

She has had a mental narrative in her mind and now you have gone a ruined it! How selfish of you to put your self, your H and children before her. (sarcasm)

Do it ASAP. It won't get easier the longer you leave it.