To make DD wear a dress?

[EatYourDamnPie]

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

I’m a churchgoer. Let her wear what she likes.
Jesus wouldn’t care and if anyone else does - sod them!

😁 I’m so glad. I wouldn’t expect anything less of you.

I don't believe in God. But I reckon if there was one, he'd want as many people as possible to feel welcome and comfortable in his house. Active religious practice and church attendance is dwindling because it doesn't always reflect modern lives and attitudes.

I'd encourage her to attend in her Billy Eilish t-shirt and jeans, because that is what a young Christian looks like in 2025. That's the future of the church, if it is to have one.

I reckon God judges her on what's in her heart, not on her back, and anyone else in the congregation that doesn't do the same needs to give their head a wobble.

Most parents would just be thrilled their teen was willing to do a church carol concert!

In my experience it's the people who never go who worry about what they wear.

The verse in the bible that people interpret as women should wear hats, is actually about not dressing nice to church. People would try to out do each other in how they attended and Paul was saying that they shouldn't go in their own glory. You're there to worship God not to show off your best dress. If God is omnipresent then he's seen you in worse than your jeans and T-shirt, so who are we dressing for? Go comfortable in a way that's not distracting you and doesn't show off.

Do you really think God cares what she wears?

Not quite the same thing but I have a very strong memory from when I was 10 (1973) of not being allowed to wear my fab new bright pink floral ‘trouser suit’ (tunic top + trousers) to the local Berni Inn for a family meal.
My father insisted that girls should wear dresses not trousers when going somewhere smart.
I can still remember the sense of outrage I felt + even though I think my mum was probably on my side,I was made to wear the dress.
…not that I’m still holding a grudge 52 years later!

Sounds like it worked out well. I think most people get a bit more dressed up for church at Christmas particularly if they are involved in the service rather than passive goers. I also think you are quite right to advise on what is appropriate from time to time. Nothing worse than finding you've gotten it entirely wrong.
The hill I will die on with teens is not having a coat or a warm jumper.

I was made to wear clothes my Mum deemed 'appropriate' but I bloody hated. Dresses in particular. The days couldn't come quick enough when I started earning my own money and started buying my own clothes was heaven! From my own experience YABU!!

I found that CofE were generally more dressed up than Catholics for church ... just an observation when I was younger, might be different these days.

But at 14 I'd let her wear what she wants.

Surely jeans/ leggings with a plain-ish teeshirt is ok if you feel the band tees are no good. Does she have a Christmas tee/jumper? If she’s usually a good kid and the band isn’t Cradle of Filth or similar then it’s really not the hill to die on.

She definitely has to choose what she wears at 14.

Im a minister let her wear what she wants

14 and she has no other casual clothes to wear. What century are you living in. I'm old enough to be her grandmother and my children would have all had casual fairly up to date clothes to wear on such occasions. Do not make her wear that dress she will never forgive you. Let her wear what she wants and make sure you take her out to buy some modern jeans and a couple of band T-shirts ASAP.

this reminds me of getting told off by my DM when I went to a family christening and wore trousers for the day. My answer was He doesn't care what we wear, He cares that we are going. I was already a mum of 2 by then but all through my teenage years I was told I could only wear a dress for Church and I hated it so much I rebelled and chose not to go anymore.

Let her choose her own clothes

She’s 14 - YABU.

You appear to have rather a grandiose view of this church event. It's a carol service, not the Oscars! If formal dress were required, the minister or choir leader would have made this clear.

I'm late to this, but read all the OP's updates and am pleased about the outcome. However -

OP, there are some words that I think you need to think about going forward -
that you've compromised in allowing her to wear part of what she wanted -

A 14 year old is well able to make these decisions for herself. That you've posted on a forum for other people's opinions rather than trust your daughter - kindly, you are infantilising your daughter - if she'd worn what she'd wanted would she really have stood out? You said there was another with the same outfit as your DD wanted to wear.

Again, kindly meant, but do you try and control other things in your DD's life - friends, food, outings, hobbies? Just be aware, please, that if you are the one making all the decisions in your DD's life you take away that power from her - mistakes too are a learning experience.

She's 14 and you need to ask if it's unreasonable to force her to wear a dress and also unreasonable to make her dress differently from her friends?

Yes, it's very unreasonable.

I had thought you were going to say 4 not 14 and even then I was going to say YABU.

Mainly because you seem to be concerned about her conforming to what her peers are doing, but you’re doing the same citing that this is out of respect to other people

Way too old for you to dictate what she wears. If she was less than 10, I'd have agreed with you, but at 14, you just have to let them get on with it.

I remember being about 12, and my mum randomly finding an old dress of my sisters that she wanted me to wear. It was flowery and had that sort of white frilly bib around the neckline. I'm sure you can picture the sort of thing. Somehow, she managed to bully me into it, and I went off to meet my friend who lived down the road, who happened to be a boy, and he laughed, and laughed. I've never forgotten how stupid that dress made me feel, and how angry I was at mum for making me wear it.

OP, what today has revealed is that your DD doesn't have enough "meal out with the grandparents" type clothes. That's something to remedy another time. Today isn't it.

It’s a massive drip feed that this is her confirmation! I don’t think jean’s would be appropriate in this case and I doubt that’s what all the other candidates will be wearing. I went to one last year and all the teenage girls were in white dresses.

If she was wearing micro hot pants and a bikini top I would maybe get your point (not that women 'cant' wear those but it will probably be cold and more for the beach than 'carols at church') but its not the 1950s, she doesn't need her Sunday dress and pearls to attend church.

I would maybe just try to steer away from to hyper casual legging, uggs and an in your face graphic print t-shirt to Jeans and a plain top/dressy top/jumper which would be fine. It doesn't need to be 'formal', guide her instead of dying on the hill.

It’s not her confirmation. She chose to get confirmed and that’s when she started going to church.

Anyway, do read the OP’s posts because you’re a bit behind the times.

The problem here is you. Your poor daughter.