To make DD wear a dress?

[EatYourDamnPie]

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

40 odd years ago, when I was in my late teens, the “ladies of the choir” had a word with the vicar about me rocking up to do sideman duty in really short shorts. He was a good family friend and just told them he was happy I wanted to be there. I don’t know how my parents coped - they’d have defintely hated it! - but they said not a word and let me choose. And I had a fabulous relationship with them for how they managed my teens years. They only ever wanted to discuss situations that could impact my safety. The rest was up to me.

YABU. Your ideas are a little old fashioned. I would agree with you if she wanted to wear something very revealing, but jeans and a band tee is absolutely fine. People don't really dress up for church nowadays, plus if there was a dress code enforced by the choir director you would know about it.

If you haven’t left already, I’d let her wear the jeans and t-shirt but not a Billie Eillish one personally.
BUT I’d take the dress in a bag because sometimes kids will say they are going to wear one thing and then you turn up and all THEIR mums have made them wear smart and you end up being the one looking like an odd one out. Then she has the option to quickly change if so.

My mum would have made me wear a skirt/dress too and I would have complied because you did in those days. Also if she's involved and not sitting in a pew then I agree she should be vaguely smart - blouse and jeans perhaps - not a t-shirt.

Now DM lives in jeans and never ever wears a skirt or dress ;)

I agree with the pp who said take the dress with you.

It’s not “old fashioned” to want your child dress properly and smartly when they are performing in front of a congregation. Or at any “occasion” for that matter. Parents who say it doesn’t matter are doing their children a disservice IMO

BTW, Being part of a choir is the opposite of standing out and doing what you want - it’s about conformity. Can a member of a choir start singing their own notes because it makes them more “comfortable”?

It's old fashioned to expect girls to wear dresses when they don't want to.

But what everyone else is doing is the standard. If you’re looking for rules from god about what to wear in church I can only recall something about women covering their heads. Otherwise it’s society’s rules and those are entirely defined by what other people do. There isn’t anything else.

I wouldn't have left the house if my mum tried getting me in a knitted dress at 14. YABU.

Of course you’ve read all the OP’s posts where she says her DD chose the dress and has worn it happily in the last year, yes? And that a suitable compromise has been reached?

I would say it should be your daughter’s decision on what she can wear and she doesn’t want to wear, if her friends are going in jeans. And whatever, then let your daughter do the same,

if that were me I’d end up feeling and looking like a right lemon because I’d feel like I’m the odd one out, your daughter should feel comfortable in what she wears.

On the one hand, it's not a hill that I would choose to die on - but I have to say that I'm genuinely surprised at the number of people saying that it's none of OP's business what her child (14 but still a minor) chooses to wear.

She’s a 14 year old, going to a church I’m assuming she frequents quite a bit. Who are these people that find casual dress disrespectful?

God doesn't give a shit, so long as she’s there, apparently he loves all his little children, including the ones wearing jeans.

14!!
I thought you were being unreasonable when I assumed your DD was about 8.
Why on earth are you being so controlling about what she wears, OP. That's a bit red flaggy to me!

If the OP's daughter wore a dress, though, she would be the one who stood out!

Because it isn't. Even if she wanted to wear something truly inappropriate, it would be a better life lesson for her to be allowed to wear it and then be told off by the relevant authorities. As it is, though, the OP is wrong. Unless the choir have an official uniform, then what the daughter proposes to wear is fine.

I think you are worrying about this too much, OP. Jeans can be smart casual too, depending on how you dress them and I think as long as she isn’t half naked or wearing something with offensive language or blasphemy printed on it, it will be fine. I think a lot of churches favour a laid back look to appeal to kids anyway. I do like the idea of bringing the dress anyway, so you can save the day if needed!

Well we’re back. A lot of people were in jeans and a nice top/jumper/blouse. Some of the girls were in dresses/skirts. Only one person from her group of friends was in leggings and a band tee . DD was perfectly average (lesson learned for me) in her smarter jeans and her zip up , fitted jumper hoodie (lesson learned for her), rather than the baggy ones with dangly bits. She wouldn’t have stood out in the dress either tbh . She said she might wear it at the Christmas service .🙈

@EatYourDamnPie sounds like a win-win. Well handled.

Alls well that ends well @EatYourDamnPie!

fgs op. No. You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable! Edited to add I’m glad it ended well and next time I’ll read the full thread!

Odd church!

Some fairly fundamentalist churches insist women wear dresses. Brethren, for example.

Why is jeans disrespectful in church. I’m part of a usually c of e congregation and most people come in jeans. Let her be comfortable

Completely unreasonable- she is 14!! let her wear what she wants - surely the plus side is she is going, not what she wears.

She is old enough to dress herself.

Die on that hill by all means but why you see this as such a big deal is beyond me.