To make DD wear a dress?

[EatYourDamnPie]

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

I think your issue here is that your idea of what’s appropriate and her idea of what’s appropriate are different.

And on this occasion it sounds like DD’s probably more right than you are.

If lots of others in the choir are going to be in jeans and t-shirts, dressing more formally/smartly is not appropriate. It has the potential to make people feel out of place (and your DD is a person who can feel out of place) and less welcome.

If the choir wanted a particular look they could set rules for attire, but most Churches are much keener on having people come as they are, wanting the church to be welcoming for everyone not just those with a budget and a sense of occasion. And they are happy for their choirs to reflect that.

Ironically, I disagree with school uniforms, or at least how they’re implemented.

Fair enough. But you don't want to make her unhappy for no reason do you? What does it matter what she wears?

You made a pretty good point and didn’t even have to resort to name calling. They did mention hair being tied up(H&S) so I guess if they were particularly bothered/wanted a certain look they would’ve mentioned that too. Thank you.

Honestly op this kind of thinking really irks me and I actively avoid churches that have the culture of 'Sunday best' because its exclusive and ultimately elitist/consumerist and for me, goes against everything a church should be about. Church events should be open to everyone and therefore should have an 'anything goes' dress code. So I'd say that jeans and a Billie eilish top are appropriate. It's not a wedding or an interview.

I would let her wear what she wants to wear as long as its weather appropriate. Of course she wants to 'fit in' she's 14 years old and at that age everyone wants to blend in with the crowd. I think you need to really consider why you want her to wear the dress and why you think that's any better. Who is it that YOU are wanting to impress/ fit in with.

Jeans and a jumper - it'll probably be freezing!

The OP presumably is an adult, less invested in fitting in with her peer group and able to freely choose what she wears. A 14 year old girl developmentally will want to dress like her friends, only has access to what is bought for her to wear and is still learning. Not the same thing at all.

I loathe school uniforms (especially in primary) and think they’re a colossal waste of money and school time spent policing them. But most Brits are wedded to them. Think the sky will fall in if several hundred kids don’t all wear the same thing.

My friends sister trained to be an opera singer. She had an amazing voice and was in the church choir.

She was also a goth. Used to go with a black Mohican, studded belt and band t shirt. And this was 40 years ago. She’s quite famous now.

If you force her, she'll likely lose interest in church. She may see it as somewhere that values appearance above all else and where people are always judging. Not somewhere a teenager wants to be.

FFS. When I was her age my mother used to make me wear the sort of clothes she bought for herself. I was bullied endlessly about the way I dressed.

Don't be that parent.

It sounds like she attends the church regularly and you don’t.
This would mean she has a better idea of what is appropriate

If you really want my post history I can DM you my previous username. I name changed because I do anyway every couple of months (I overshare too much) .

When my dd was in the choir they wore choir t shirts and black trousers. Not one single person asked to wear a skirt or dress.

Nah, she wants me to go with her. Every single week, sometimes twice a week when there are special events like today. The joys!!

YANBU. Sounds like you're being flexible and not insisting so much as heavily encouraging. Also I agree that learning about dress codes is important, though personally nice jeans (no holes) and a smart top would be fine by me.

She picks/buys most of her clothes. Preferably with her friends so I don’t have to suffer. She bought this dress, and like I said, happily wore it on other occasions.

it’s a sign of respect to the church

Absolutely unhinged 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mine did. I rebelled hard. Now some decades later I hate trousers 😂Teens will be teens.

How is it unhinged? The OP said she's fine with black trousers or anything that's smart.

If you went to a mosque, would you wear a mini skirt and strap top? If you went to a job interview, would you turn up in pyjamas? If you went to go round to a friend's house, would you wear a suit?

Learning about dress codes is important. People make snap judgements based on appearances all the time - clothes are a part of that.

You are being totally unreasonable. Nobody has said she must wear a dress. Most people wear trousers inchurch these days.

I still remember to this day being forced to wear a dress to a children’s party when all my friends were wearing their trousers. It wasn’t even the dress it’s just that my mum wouldn’t hear me.

That she actually goes is the main thing. If her friends are all wearing the same I'd not push it.

Keep the argument for another day.

That she actually goes is the main thing. If her friends are all wearing the same I'd not push it.

Keep the argument for another day.