To make DD wear a dress?

[EatYourDamnPie]

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

You forcing her to wear something won't actually make her learn anything other than to resent you. If she does turn up and all the others are dressed up she will see that for herself. She will then be able to reflect on what she chose to wear and come to a decision about how to dress the next time. That decision may be that she was perfectly happy with her choice and that is absolutely fine. Nobody should be telling other people that they need to wear outside of a work uniform situation. My mother was like you. She carried on being like that into my 20s. I now only see her a couple of times a year as was fed up with her trying to.control me. Thats what uou are doing by the way. You are being controlling.

The main lesson I want her to learn is to dress appropriately for the occasion in general and have a sense for dress codes.

She is telling you the dress code for her and her peers and you are ignoring that.

You say it's irrelevant what anyone else thinks but you are clinging to some outdated 'what will the neighbours think' attitude.

All you will achieve is embarrassment for your daughter and satisfied smugness for yourself.

Which is why I posted on here. Considering top options now if I give in on the jeans.

Why don't you just butt your nose out?

If any of this is true and you're not just bored, it's absolutely none of your business what your 14 year old chooses to wear to church.

I’d be worried about how passive she is, if she’s not pushing back on clearly unreasonable restrictions like this. The ability to self-advocate assertively is much more critical to her future than the ability to dress conservatively when it isn’t even necessary.

Let her wear what she likes. No 14 year old wants their parents dictating what they wear. God won’t care what she wears either

I voted YANBU until I found out the age of the child. 14 is old enough to make decisions on dress without any input from parents

I would agree a compromise with her in jeans and a decent top. Yes, it would be nice if she wore the dress but she won’t want to stick out with her peers and it’s definitely not worth an argument over.

You really are not getting it are you?
It is not up to you to give in or decide on a top. It is up to her. You dont get to dictate what someone else wears.

14?! I thought you were going to say 7/8!

The thing is, she’d have something to say if I went with her dressed in my trakkies or my santa skirt. And I can respect a venue /event even if I don’t believe in it. I wouldn’t visit a mosque in shorts and a tank top either.

For god's sake, OP, you have a lovely daughter who wants to be like her friends in a very minor way that doesn't affect anyone else at all. Give her a hug and tell her to wear what she wants. You're being completely daft.

She’s not dictating. She’s suggesting. Teens need guidance sometimes. There is often a time and a place for certain types of clothes to be more or less ideal.

How far does that go or does it only apply to church?

Yes, but she’s 14…what’s your excuse for being irrational and controlling? You’re reaching now. Stop being a snob and let her breathe.

I bet 99% of those frothing away about the OP making some suggestions are in favour of school uniform.

At 14 it's her choice.
A lot of 14 year olds wouldn't even go to a carol service!
Let her enjoy it, on her terms.

Bored then?

I’m the 1%, then 😂

That’s what I’m leaning towards now, but apparently that’s wrong too.

Leggings no, jeans ok. Making some accommodation for the event.

Aww, she's 14, way old enough to let her wear what she wants. I can still remember my mum forcing me into shorts (I hated shorts and trousers) when I was 6 for a big street party, cried my eyes out and was a miserable day, I can't imagine being 14 and still being told what to do. Can she not wear a pretty top or jumper of her choosing with jeans?

YANBU it’s about being appropriate. Part of parenting is helping children reach the correct decisions based on experience. All the parents advocating freedom of choice - yeah great. Until the OP rocks up to parents evening in a filthy onesie - then personal choice is suddenly not so cool. Dressing appropriately is an admirable skill, following the herd is sad.

Not at all, but of course parents do have a certain degree of say in what their kids wear, even at 14. Come on…

I’d say for the most part tbh. Unless there’s a uniform and as long as what she’s wearing is clean, and not indecent I just don’t get involved in what my 14 year old DD wears.