To make DD wear a dress?

[EatYourDamnPie]

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

Do you know the dress code of the exact church that the OP and her daughter are attending tonight, out of interest?

Good for you. I’ll be an old fuddy duddy and keep some limits in place.

At 14 years old what she wears really needs to be her choice. You can give opinions but she's old enough to choose herself and feel comfortable and confident in her own decisions.

Be glad she'll choosing to take part in a nice activity like a carol concert. Keep interfering and making her wear clothes she doesn't want to and I'd expect she will not decide to take part in the event again which would be a shame.

I voted Banbury. Until I read that she's 14!

If you read my updates you would’ve seen I relented and agreed to a compromise. Not because of posters like you though.

Nope and I said in an earlier post I would personally be fine with jeans and a nice top.

What I'm disagreeing with is labeling the OP as 'unhinged' just for wanting her daughter to dress smartly for singing in church.

Unbelievable some of the replies here. Of course there is dressing for an occasion, and it is a parent’s role to reinforce and guide this. As part of a choir you are there to sing for the audience- not make a statement or look like you are down the shopping centre. It’s a sense of occasion where she will be presenting herself in a group in front of others. Of course she should have some respect in the way she dresses, as sold any adult. All these posters saying YABU and that they hate their parents for telling them what to wear when they were a teenager 🙄

For what it’s worth OP, I volunteer with our church youth group and they almost all rock up to these events in jeans and trainers en mass. Some dress up a bit more - if she gets there and finds her mates have made more of an effort it will actually be a good teaching moment about appropriate wear. Either way you win 😉 Pick your battles at 14

I’d make mine wear the dress but I’m like you OP and see it as a sign of respect. Normal service etc fine whatever she wants to wear but preforming carols is to me different

Hell no, she's 14!!

And jeans can be smart. Its not like she's planning on wearing a cropped top and hot pants, is it?

If she wears what she wants and it’s wrong that’s on her, if she wears what you want and it’s wrong that’s on you. You’ll never hear the last of it. In her eyes it’ll be a ruined event soooo embarrassing 😳 … and all your fault. Let her choose

I thought you were going to say 6! Let her wear what her friends are wearing.

I like @Greenfinch7 ’s suggestion of secretly taking the dress, just in case.

I agree with the PP who suggested she take the dress along in her bag or whatever, in case her friends change their minds. If she wears tights under her jeans anyway (only sensible in a cold church), she’d be easily able to whip the top and jeans off and swap if she needed to. Otherwise, she’d just be cosy.

I sang in robed choirs for years. The cassock does make it a lot easier! Unless it’s boiling, in which case you’re dying 🥵😁

If everyone else is wearing jeans and t-shirts, it sounds as though the daughter's understanding of appropriate dress is correct and the OP is wrong.

If you read my first post correctly you’d see it was the:

Wanting her daughter to wear a dress because “it’s a sign of respect to the church” comment as unhinged.

A dress isn’t, and will never be a “sign of respect” to a church.

That, is what I think is unhinged. No need to go on a tangent about appropriate dress to a mosque or a job interview.

I go to church and we all wear whatever we want. If that's jeans or a dress that's fine.
For their actual confirmation service the DCs chose smarter clothes. DD chose a white sweater dress and several other girls had similar. Some boys were in suits but several like DS were in chinos and a polo.
If you are not religious then I can see why you think it's "Sunday best" but for a carol service people will be in a mixture with teens in more casual dress.
Some of the tween girls (and boys, come to think of it) at our church wear their football kit to church.

😂😂😂😂 back off OP

As long as shes wearing something that covers her in a "modest" way and the band tshirt doesn't include any offensive language im not seeing a problem

I suspect if you push then she will resist all the more.
Assuming she is not Princess Charlotte I would not be too worried about her attire at a Carol service.

I remember having to wear tights under those - in summer some of the older girls would be in American Tan and not much else, maybe a t-shirt!

It’s never appropriate to force her to wear a dress, ever. If she’s more comfortable in trousers/jeans, that’s fine. As long as she’s clean & tidy it doesn’t matter.

So you don’t advise? How do your dc learn anything? Do they just learn by turning up to things in wildly inappropriate outfits and feeling desperately embarrassed all night?

I guess that’s one way. Not one I’d take. I favour the old school ‘give advice in what is generally expected at a funeral/wedding/church service/job interview/bar mitzvah/ Buddhist temple, whatever.

then if the choose otherwise so be it. Unless they will literally be arrested

It's not a tangent, it's showing that clothes matter and yes are sometimes a sign of respect or at least caring enough to make an effort.

You didn't specify a dress in your first post. I didn't realise you were just responding to the title and hadn't bothered to read OP's posts.

Am not surprised she is refusing at 14.

Will the dress make her sing any better?

Bloody hell, leave her alone.

OMG you are exhausting 🤣🤣

I didn’t need to specify a dress in my first post because I was quoting a comment in the OP’s FIRST POST. Which was about wanting to make her daughter wear a dress. Goodness me.