to be appalled by some women’s behaviour?

[GrumpyOldWoman2]

DH has just come back from a work do at his new job (2 months in) and told me that his female colleague was drunkenly trying to get him alone, trying to hug him and offering to buy him drinks all night. We had a baby 5 weeks ago and she knows this!! He’s extremely loyal and kind (struggles to stand up for himself which bugs me sometimes but…) and kept trying to reject her advances to no avail, he ended up leaving early as she made him so uncomfortable. He came home sober.

Just disappointed for him as it was meant to be a nice break from the newborn trenches! Why are people like this? Trying to get on a married man is bad enough but doing it when you know they’ve JUST had a baby is abhorrent! He’s also dreading going back to work on Tuesday and seeing her. Grim behaviour.

In general I agree with you. Someone that doesn’t cheat simply because they don’t have the opportunity to cheat, is still a cheat. The other man/woman owes you nothing. That doesn’t mean I can’t also believe it’s shitty behaviour to go after someone you know is attached.

If someone hits on OH knowing about me and DD , it’s entirely up to him to say no and keep his promises. That doesn’t mean I can’t consider that woman a shitty human being.

I agree with you.

The difference between a man doing this to a woman versus a woman doing this to a man is…

FEAR

a man wont feel fear
a woman will feel fear

why?

the possibility of rape
the possibility of violence

it is different

No, sexual harassment is sexual harassment. I take it seriously be it male or female.

You’re cynical about the OP’s DH, seeing possible deceit in every action and word. Presumably you’ve had bad experiences with men that have led to that.

Some men are the same in reverse. They don’t believe a woman would be innocent saying/thinking things like:

”“She must have been a temptress. She knows she wants it really. She only complains after the event and makes up stories because she loves to torment men and make out she’s innocent”. We’d generally call such men blatant misogynists .
You seem to be a female version of this.

Yet on mn if the husband was acting like this.
She is told to leave him.

I got that idea because you said it was shitty to go after a married person, whereas I don't think his relationship status comes into it.

My point is that either her behaviour was inappropriate (i.e. pestering), or it wasn't. I'm fine with someone expressing an interest in my DP - it's on him to turn that down.

This guy clearly wasn't interested so I think it's irrelevant if he was single or not - it's not ok to pester someone who is single and not interested.

If my husband came in from a works night out and a female colleague had been coming on to him all night, he would have told me and it would be the same the other way about.

Depending on how serious it was, we would have either laughed and said "Omg, s/he will be mortified on Monday" or "you should maybe avoid him/her and let your line manager know why".

The worst one for the two of us was his new manager. Not inappropriate, just mortifying. They had a "Christmas night in", so everyone brought food and drinks and it (unfortunately) started at lunchtime.

His manager got completely pissed and ended up locked in the women's toilet in a cubicle having passed out.

The other women asked my husband if he could break down the door to get her out, which he did but she was completely out of it and they had to call an ambulance.

The ambulance people got her into a wheelchair and covered her in a (white) blanket, then wheeled her through the party room which had a glitterball. This unfortunately highlighted her exit, as the glitterball made the white blanket fluorescent 😂.

She never went back to work, but her husband complained and said someone had spiked her drinks. They hadn't, she had just started drinking at mid day on an empty stomach.

I have never laughed and cringed at the same time as much as I did with this one.

My point is, that it's perfectly natural for partners to share their works night out experiences.

I have no idea why some people think the OPs husband is dodgy just because he shares stuff with his wife!

It is shitty to go after a married person. Not as bad as a married person cheating and not something to go to HR about, but still shitty.

Huh? Wrong on every count. There was something specific about the way this man spoke to op that raised a question mark, and one, which if it were me, I would put in my back pocket rather than just forget about. I don't like being drawn into other people's drama so i wouldn't be posting on mumsnet saying how awful a woman i have never met is either.

Are you married?

Whether you are a woman or a man, I agree.

People just need to stop drinking its horrible and unnecessary.

Lets not pretend harm happens in a vacuum.

What doesn’t help is deliberately reading “you deserved it” into something that wasn’t said. I never said “next time don’t do it” and I never said harm wouldn’t have happened otherwise. That implication is something you’re adding.

Acknowledging that choices involve risk is not the same as blaming the person who was harmed. It is possible to hold two ideas at once.

This not about me being “misunderstood”. If you want to keep misquoting, go ahead.

Why have you missed the word “some” OP said sone women!!

I just disagree. It's on my DP to turn down other offers - I feel it would be egotistical to expect every other woman on earth to protect my relationship, as if they didn't have their own lives to live.

But that's a tangent - I was trying to point out that being pestered sexually at work isn't ok, and relationship status shouldn't be a consideration in that.

Trying to get on a married man is bad enough but doing it when you know they’ve JUST had a baby is abhorrent!

OP expects other women to be considerate that she had a baby recently. Why would some random drunken woman from work even care?

Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions generally so no surprise.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

I initially wanted to correct you and say some 'people's behaviour'. However on reflection OP I know what you are getting at.
He was obviously made to feel deeply uncomfortable, enough to leave.
And I do think we have thankfully got to a point where if a man behaved like that to a female colleague, in most industries now it would be dealt with swiftly and probably quite harshly. Following someone around when they aren't interested is irritating, but trying to hug someone repeatedly etc is uninvited physical touch and unacceptable.

Good for you. And I'll continue to give more time and headspace to the sexual harassment of women than of men, given one is an every day occurrence that starts when we're in our early teens and lasts indefinitely, and leads to far more serious consequences. While the other is a very rare occurance.

According to the OP’s DH, “his female colleague was drunkenly trying to get him alone, trying to hug him and offering to buy him drinks all night.”

If that alone marks him out as a suspicious then I’d say you’re more paranoid than cynical, and virtually anything he said you’d have read in some sinister hidden meaning that implied he could be a cheater.

Just asking. I’ve not heard that saying for ages! Love it 🤣

I merely made the observation that trying to buy someone drinks all night is a more typically male than female behaviour and doesn't ring true. Not sure how that means I am paranoid, nor why you are so determined to prove me wrong. I made one observation this morning and still people are arguing with it this evening. Just think how easy it would have been to ignore it - everyone would have forgotten my supposedly 'misogynistic', 'misandrist' (not sure how it manages to be both at the same time but hey ho), 'disgusting' and now 'paranoid' view. Jesus the projecting on this thread is unreal.

It ISN'T different

Stop making excuses for female sex offenders

What?

a woman can’t rape a man?
a woman is much more likely to be fearful in this situation than a man