to be appalled by some women’s behaviour?

[GrumpyOldWoman2]

DH has just come back from a work do at his new job (2 months in) and told me that his female colleague was drunkenly trying to get him alone, trying to hug him and offering to buy him drinks all night. We had a baby 5 weeks ago and she knows this!! He’s extremely loyal and kind (struggles to stand up for himself which bugs me sometimes but…) and kept trying to reject her advances to no avail, he ended up leaving early as she made him so uncomfortable. He came home sober.

Just disappointed for him as it was meant to be a nice break from the newborn trenches! Why are people like this? Trying to get on a married man is bad enough but doing it when you know they’ve JUST had a baby is abhorrent! He’s also dreading going back to work on Tuesday and seeing her. Grim behaviour.

But when a man does it everyone on Mumsnet would be condemning him. When women do it you've got half the posters defending her.

So are you saying that HE tried to get someone drunk?

“Some” women. It is shitty behaviour to knowingly go after a married person, whether you are a man or a woman.

Do you even know what a rape apologist is?

Because pointing out that risks exist is not the same as excusing rape. I did not blame victims and I did not justify assault. The perpetrator is always responsible.

I used the open door example to explain the difference between responsibility and risk. Even though theft is always wrong, people still take precautions because we do not live in a perfect world. Acknowledging that reality does not mean you support the crime.

Saying that alcohol fuelled work parties often come with problems is just stating a fact. Saying attendance is a choice does not mean anyone deserves to be groped or harassed.

No one is saying women should stay home or miss out on work events. But calling someone a rape apologist because they refuse to pretend risk does not exist is just silly.

She said "SOME women".

Hopefully nothing unpleasant ever happens to you outside of your home, after all you chose to leave the house.

Yep. She’s just lonely and desperate to be loved….

Qualified HR here. Your husband sounds like a decent bloke, he coul have said nothing.
Behaviour like this is inexcusable regardless if its male, female or LGBTQIA+. Being drunk is no excuse either.
If your bloke was unhappy, he needs to escalate it. If he wants to let it lie, also his call. But remember, he came home sober to you, trusted you to tell you as he felt he could confide in you. Sounds like you've a decent guy and strong family unit.

You suggested that if he doesn’t want to deal with the shenanigans then he shouldn’t attend.

Why should any of us miss out on parties because someone can’t keep their hands to themselves?

Yes alcohol can create issues but that’s not an excuse.

I’ve got a works do on Friday and you’re suggesting that I should either need to accept that I’ll be hit on and be made to feel uncomfortable or stay at home.

And yes you can take precautions - the DH stayed sober and did not imply he was interested in her.
Perhaps he was wearing something revealing and so deserved it.

It’s ok to suggest that drunk people don’t always necessarily realise when they’re acting like twats but it’s not ok to suggest staying home if you don’t like it.

Yes of course going to an alcohol fuelled work do is the same as leaving the house 🙄watch out if you go out today

Acknowledging risk is not the same as saying harm is deserved.

You’re arguing with a position I don’t hold.

I did not say anyone should miss out on parties, accept harassment, or stay home if they don’t like being hit on. That’s your invention.

Saying someone can choose not to attend an event they know they’ll hate is not the same as saying they deserve to be harassed if they go. Personal choice is not blame.

Alcohol is not an excuse. No one said it was. But pretending alcohol doesn’t increase bad behaviour is just silly.

You can hold perpetrators fully responsible and still acknowledge that alcohol fuelled environments are highly likely to produce bad behaviour.

Time and place. If this thread was about being rear ended by a shitty /drunk driver I doubt you’d be”mentioning” the risks associated with driving, especially now , in the busy Christmas period and how the driver who got rear ended made the choice to drive.
Everything you do carries a certain level of risk.

But work parties can be very important for promotions etc. If you're known as the one who never attends work events then you'll likely be passed over for someone who's seen as more of a 'team player'.

It's even more important since OP's DH is new to the company and needs to try to get know colleagues and fit in.

The solution to a drunken idiot harassing him isn't to not go to an important work event. The solution is to report the drunken idiot to HR so that hopefully the situation never repeats.

You’ve just made my point for me.

Yes, everything carries risk. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Acknowledging risk does not mean blaming the person who gets hurt.

And actually, in a discussion about a drunk driver, people do talk about increased risks at certain times, like busy periods or late nights, without suggesting the person who was hit deserved it. Those two things coexist all the time.

Saying “time and place” is not the same as saying “you chose it so it’s your fault”. That leap is yours, not mine.

Recognising risk is not victim blaming. It’s reality.

I bet (hope) she's mortified today.

Not necessarily desperation. She probably did it because she knew he was married with a baby on the way. Had he been single and childfree she’d most likely have ignored him. A lot of women will do anything to break up another woman’s home. It’s one of the truly vile things about women, and one of the few ways in which men are superior. Men don’t seem to have that vicious jealousy and ill-will towards other men who are happily married with kids.

I can't understand this perspective.

Women try it on with DP all the time, sometimes even in front of me! It's fine, because I trust him. He's handsome, clever, and absolutely lovely - I can see the appeal! I don't expect other women to put their own lives on hold just because I exist, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I only felt secure because nobody else ever fancied my DP.

I think the issue here is whether or not this woman's behaviour was inappropriate for the workplace. If she was harassing him then that's not ok, regardless of whether he's single or not.

And how does emphasising that risk after something bad happened help in any way? Who does it benefit? Or saying “you chose to take that risk”? Whether you meant it or not, the implication is clear. Next time don’t do it and the bad thing won’t happen, or at least it will happen to someone else.

If you often find yourself “misunderstood “ choose your words better.

You do you boo.

And yet it's ok for posters to jump on a thread and talk about their own experiences with men?

Pretending like it's not ok for women to share bad experiences with other women just helps hide the fact there's a problem.

There is a heavy dose of double standards on this site and you are 100% one of the worst for it.

Do you think it's fine for this woman to behave inappropriately if he was single? How about a single woman - does she deserve to be pestered more than a married one?

I agree with her about the husband thing.

Mine is, to me, the funniest, cleverest, most interesting and caring man on the planet. He is also very handsome, which will obviously attract other women and has on numerous occasions.

I care not a jot. Because I know that, for him, all of the above applies to me.

There is no point in "keeping" a partner because they have zero opportunity to meet someone else.

I couldn't live like that.

Ok. You stay cynical.

It depends whether he would’ve behaved/felt the same if single. No one deserves to be pestered, regardless of relationship status so I don’t know where you got that idea from. So after the first attempt, completely inappropriate behaviour regardless. The fact that she (or any men) go for it and keep going for it when they know that person isn’t single just adds an extra layer of sleaziness, to already inappropriate behaviour .

So when she asked him why he was home from the office party early and stone cold sober he should have...lied to her?

That's not really how trusting relationships work; one person hiding things because they've unilaterally decided that it doesn't concern the other.

So what happens the next time she sees one of his work colleagues, who cracks a joke about the drunk woman that was all over him at the party?

If he felt that uncomfortable that he was forced to leave a work event, it clearly wasn't trivial to him.