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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to be a witness against colleague??

667 replies

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:28

Christmas party, a few nights ago. At a hotel, as it was timed with a big sales meeting, so everyone staying over, 200 ish people, free bar as well as a formal dinner.
Drinking very much encouraged. Staff ages ranged from early 20s to the senior staff in their 50s. Everyone VERY merry.
One colleague, let’s call her Jenny, got a bit carried away, throwing shapes on the dance floor, too touchy feely with men and women apparently then groped one older male colleagues testicles at which point friends grabbed hold of her and steered her off up stairs to her room.
She escaped. Came back down - paralytic at this point - and flashed her boobs at a senior male colleague! In the side bar area so fewer people around me being one of them. Another colleague and I intervened and friends got her again and put her to bed, this time someone stayed with her.

Now I’m being asked to come and tell what I saw to her line manager. I’m in training for an event at the moment so it’s common knowledge that I wasn’t drinking and was sober.

I really don’t want to. She’s lovely, usually quiet and sensible, the company got her poleaxed and now want to carpet her. I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened. Why do I need to be involved???

I’ve been working away since the party so have no idea what is being said in office other than the OMG, Jenny! What was she doing??? Messages. But trust me, there’s plenty of stories from that night… so she’s in good company.

YABU - snitch on her. A man doing that would be in so much trouble.

YANBU - deny seeing anything. If the company ply everyone with that much booze there’s bound to be uncouth behaviour and they probably have enough witnesses already.

OP posts:
Itsnearlymybirthday · 09/12/2025 14:30

Yup,I do think you should say what you saw, and just keep it factual.

Irrespective of how drunk she was she shouldn't be touching someone else's crotch and flashing herself.

Wolfpa · 09/12/2025 14:31

How would you feel if the genders were reversed?

Allthesnowallthetime · 09/12/2025 14:32

So... She sexually assaulted someone and you don't want to say you witnessed it?

W0tnow · 09/12/2025 14:34

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NewCushions · 09/12/2025 14:34

Unfortunately, lovely though she might be, her behaviour was completely and totally inappropriate at a work event. You don't need to slag her off, or go into details, but I think saying what you saw is perfectly reasonable.

if other people behaved equally badly, I would hope that they are looking at investigating those too.

333FionaG · 09/12/2025 14:35

There was a young police officer (female) here in Wales, who has just been sacked for gross misconduct for similar behaviour at a work Christmas party.
Police officer who groped colleagues and 'twerked' at leaving do sacked | Wales Online

It seems people are expected to behave professionally despite it being a party when drink has been taken.

I would give a factual statement describing what you saw. It sounds as if there were enough witnesses regardless of whether they were sober.

Police officer who groped colleagues and 'twerked' at leaving do sacked

PC Pritchard was found to have groped a woman officer's breasts on the dancefloor and twice touched a male officer to the groin area

https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/police-officer-who-groped-colleagues-33001408

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2025 14:37

She sexually assaulted someone and behaved like an absolute idiot
I have been to plenty of events like this and they are WORK events so you need to behave whoever you are, too many people forget that and torpedo their career
If asked you should factually recount what you saw

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 14:38

Imagine you are male, asking if it would be ok to lie about witnessing a male colleague assault a female co-worker, with the justification that he is a good bloke and it's wasn't his fault anyway because the company let him drink too much.

InveterateWineDrinker · 09/12/2025 14:38

If it was a "lovely, usually quiet, sensible" male colleague sexually harassing women at the party, would you consider not saying anything?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 14:40

No one held her down and poured booze into her mouth, stop infantilising her. The company did not get her drunk, there was a free bar and she went way overboard taking advantage of it. She’s an adult.

She sexually assaulted someone, maybe a handful of people, and you think it’s okay as you like her.

That attitude is absolutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.

TinselAndSparkles · 09/12/2025 14:41

She fondled that man’s balls, that’s not on. You don’t have to say anything untrue or give your opinion on her character. Just say ‘I saw XYZ’ and leave it at that.

Jellybunny56 · 09/12/2025 14:41

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 14:38

Imagine you are male, asking if it would be ok to lie about witnessing a male colleague assault a female co-worker, with the justification that he is a good bloke and it's wasn't his fault anyway because the company let him drink too much.

This, 100%.

Yes, you tell them what you saw. Keep it factual and to the point.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 09/12/2025 14:41

Drinking very much encouraged

Who was doing this? If management, why?

I think if people are encouraging this, with the inevitable result, things need to be said and changed.

But yes, I’d state the facts on what I saw.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2025 14:42

You don’t need to make a statement about the things which “apparently” happened but you didn’t witness, only the parts you did. You just need to be factual.

If you reported being harassed or inappropriately touched by a colleague and others had seen, how would you feel if those others said that they wouldn’t support your report because perpetrator was usually lovely and you were just overreacting / needed to lighten up and laugh it off and they weren’t “snitches”?

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 09/12/2025 14:43

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Disgusting attitude to take, would you be saying the same if a male had groped a female colleague?

Starlight1984 · 09/12/2025 14:43

This reply has been deleted

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Yes I'm sure that's what we'd all say if it was a woman who was flashed at and had her crotch grabbed too....

Rubinia · 09/12/2025 14:46

You go and say what you saw. She wasn’t forced to drink and grope a man’s bollocks.
chances are she’ll get advice and realise the best she can do now is resign immediately. If the genders were reversed you (hopefully) wouldn’t be excusing her behaviour cos Shes ‘nice’.

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 14:47

It's worth bearing in mind that the context to this is that legally a work party is generally considered an extension of the workplace. So legal protection against workplace sexual harassment apply. By facilitating/encouraging employees to get utterly shitfaced the company has left themselves very vulnerable and they could be looking to avoid being held to account by focusing the blame on an individual.

Which is to say Jenny shouldn't also be held accountable for her actions.

ClaredeBear · 09/12/2025 14:47

I voted incorrectly. I’m afraid I think giving a factual statement based upon what you saw would be the reasonable thing to do but I get why you don’t.

AnonKat · 09/12/2025 14:48

Its amazing that in 15 years of free bars ive never flashed or assaulted anyone. Just because booze is offered doesnt mean you drink it. And if you can't handle your drink without being a sex pest, then dont drink.

You should state the facts, doesnt matter if she is nice. She crossed a line.

Twistedfirestarters · 09/12/2025 14:48

Well, first off I would find out what the potential consequences are for you if you refuse to be a witness. Whilst whoever is investigating this shit show should explore your concerns with you, you could potentially be in trouble if you outright refuse on the basis of not wanting to 'snitch'. In my organisation you could face disciplinary action for that.

_nellie_ · 09/12/2025 14:48

If the genders were reversed I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about being a witness

Original poster
Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:49

Allthesnowallthetime · 09/12/2025 14:32

So... She sexually assaulted someone and you don't want to say you witnessed it?

Lifted her top up and flashed her bra basically. That’s the only thing I witnessed. The dance floor colleague apparently has not said anything, it’s the one she flashed that’s complained.

OP posts:
AnonKat · 09/12/2025 14:49

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 14:47

It's worth bearing in mind that the context to this is that legally a work party is generally considered an extension of the workplace. So legal protection against workplace sexual harassment apply. By facilitating/encouraging employees to get utterly shitfaced the company has left themselves very vulnerable and they could be looking to avoid being held to account by focusing the blame on an individual.

Which is to say Jenny shouldn't also be held accountable for her actions.

She shouldn't be held responsible? So its a free for all on sexual harassment because its a work event. This place is bonkers.

Saz12 · 09/12/2025 14:49

You can't really refuse to go to meeting about it. Just answer the questions asked as briefly and factually as you can. Don't lie, obviously others will also have been asked the same questions.

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