Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

I realise it's too late now because you've likely cleaned it all up and promised little princess that everything is okay, but surely it's criminal damage and should have had the police called? How can it be anything other than willful damage by those who attended? Might have finally shocked your daughter in to realising just how unacceptable her and her friends behaviour is.

I like the idea of making her pay via a payment plan and then kicking her out when its paid.

she personally needs to clean up the vomit.

I would sincerely hope that the vomit would have been cleaned up by now seeing as the OP started this thread at 9:40pm on Saturday.

Well you've all been foolish, which is less excusable in parents than in a young adult. The warning signs were already there from previous gatherings of her friends at your house. As she's been paying a subsidised rent to you, she should have a good chunk of savings by now so some of that can go towards the repairs and then she can move into an HMO or look for a room as a lodger. I actually think you should be on the hook for some of the costs as this was a disaster waiting to happen and you did nothing very effective about it.

Your title re 'letting' your daughter have a party - I think this reveals a lot about your own attitude to her, because this is language I'd expect from the mother of a 14 year old.

Have you all rather set in a decade old pattern of behaviour and attitudes where none of you have developed and moved on?

When you say us you mean her

Most of it has probably gone up her nose.

If id allowed this to happen to my parents home, they would have come down on me like the biggest tonne of bricks. But they'd taught me respect so I wouldn't have let it happen.

She hasn't incurred any consequences for her and her friends treating your home like trash on all the previous occasions, so she knows youll just act as her personal maid. Id have been told in no uncertain terms so what if youre tired, the pizza mess etc is cleaned up, by YOU. Stop cleaning up for her, shes the one who was tired on previous occasions, but thats from staying up and partying etc, so its her fault shes tired, its absolutely not an excuse to let her get away with not tidying up HER mess. Put the mess on her bed, if its in your way

After the slip and slide "incident" you should have made her pay for the new turf. And banned those friends from the house. Stop caring so much about her social life, if she wants to treat places like a nightclub, she can go to an actual one

You need to light the biggest fire under her spoilt bratty arse (sorry thats what you've enabled her to become at this point) and demand she pays for every single penny. She needs to get her backside into gear to make your home livable in (leaving the sick is utterly repulsive). Until it is, she pays for you to stay in the hotel

If she's staying living at home, she starts paying a decent amount of rent (on top of repaying all damages they've caused). Her "friends" also sound like utter knobs so you ban them from the house. She wants to socialise, she can go to the pub or wherever with them. If she's "her own boss" that's very convenient, as she can fit another job around her current one (if it exists) to pay for all your damage. Preferably she pays you up front via a loan etc, otherwise she will start wheeling out excuse after excuse to get out of it (e.g. had a lot of costs this month, cant afford it)

Shes 26, I was also expecting a 16 year old (even then this would be unacceptable). I feel sorry for any future partner at present.

Read her the riot act and stop letting her take the utter piss out of you and your home

Also, she's clearly a lier, as you said "she doesn't drink" but her excuse for not being able to deal with these yobs was that "she was too drunk"....

Not fall to "us" it should be fall to "her".

She and her "friends" caused this so she can bloody well pay for it

You said she's getting a quote for the worktop and has run the hoover around, what else has she done? What about the revolting puke being left, the hot tub etc

It sounds like all shes done is run the hoover round which is absolutely nothing although its all youd expect her to need to do. As her and her "friends" have trashed the place, it sounds like it needs far more than just running the hoover round

Have you cleaned stuff up for her?

I know shes your daughter, but time to stop treating her like youre her slave. She caused the damage SHE deals with it. ASAP.