Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Why just a contribution? The daughter should pay for everything!

Nah absolutely not on, she’s not allowed friends round and that’s her punishment are you both ok in the head? She’s 26 and needs to grow TF up and swiftly, some ‘friends’ they are I wouldn’t miss them and hit the wall next time I see them too. As for her she’d be out on her ass, sent away to stay with one of her ‘good friends’ if it was mine. Treating the house like that it shows blatant contempt towards you, absolutely disgusting way to treat your parents especially as a grown arsed woman.

If she doesn’t drink it makes this weirder, who stands idly by and watches their parents home be trashed? Several times. I hope you get a bit of fight into you over this and some bloody self respect as she’s treating you like a mug!

When I was a similar age my mum said ‘ at 16 it’s a bit cute and funny’ ‘ at 21 (which I was ) it is actually a bit embarrassing and not cool at all. Sort it out’ I did.

My daughter had her 18th at home and apparently she was going round with a black bin bag at 11pm!

At 26 she should be paying for every penny of the damage - and she should be offering to do so, not being asked! This is absolutely absurd. There's no way I would've behaved like this at 16, forget 26.

The house needs to be reset back to normal. She needs her own place and some responsibility. I’m sure she wouldn’t let her own house and belongings get trashed if she’d bought them with her hard-earned cash.

Be professional about this. Get problem quotes/ estimates etc - on paper - and take photos so that there is NO chance of her rewriting history or gaslighting you by minimising the damage that was done.

When you know the total amount owing agree a payment plan with get. £x pcm until it’s all paid back.

Then get on and get it all repaired/ replaced.

I’d be suggesting it’s time she leaves home.

@MyFairGreenTurtle

So how's things now? Has anything been sorted?

She will "help" get a quote for the worktop??!

She's taking the absolute piss. She won't "help" do anything. She will do every single thing herself. She will source multiple quotes and bring them to you to choose which one you go with. It may not be the cheapest one, but that is not for her to decide.

Until all the damage is fixed, she pays market rate for rent. She is not allowed to have anyone over. Once the damage is fixed, I would tell her to move out. (I'd be cautious telling her this beforehand or she might just leave without fixing things.)

I’d be disgusted with my 19 year old doing that (he never has, we’ve left him alone overnight/for a few days a few times since he was 17). For a 26 year old, that is absolutely disgraceful.

26?
Heck at that age I wouldn't dream of having that kind of party
Of course your not being unreasonable to ban her from hosting parties at your home and to expect her to make right the damage shes caused

If I had treated my parents' home like this after drinking I'd be completely devastated. Her reaction to this is everything.

"hard-earned" cash?

We're thinking not.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP .
Given everything you have described, & to be fair it’s awful altogether the damage that was caused .
I would be very grateful there was no injuries or God forbid a fire , everyone sounds like they were hammered at that party , & that everything got out of control, anything could have happened.
I’m sure your daughter will want to pay you back .x

Love the fact that you assume the OP is a Daddy. (It's daddy's princess btw - daddies is more than one daddy).

So, daddy has come on Mumsnet asking for a handhold ? 😂

I think the parent characters in this story would be mummies. Two of them.

Cool story bro

Can't believe what I'm reading. I would be asking her to pay for the damage, and then to move out. Holding a huge house party whilst you were away was disrespectful... Not even attempting a clean up and using the excuse of being tired is way beyond that.

Your daughter needs to pay for all the damage and sort out the repairs. The issue isn’t really the friends. They only treat your place badly because she lets them. And they’re probably not really friends at all if they cause that level of damage and don’t offer to pay for the repairs - they’re just using her because they can have wild parties at your house. I bet if she had her own place it wouldn’t get damaged like that. After they destroyed the lawn I wouldn’t have allowed another party. She’s not a little school-aged child who needs help making friends, she’s an adult. I recommend she starts by asking the people who caused the damage for the money to cover the cost of repairs.

So insurance doesn’t cover it so how much is it going to cost her to make good @MyFairGreenTurtle

The op isn’t actually going to make her daughter pay for or fix things or move out, that’s how the dd got to 26 like this. The op will say im really angry and you need to pay for this… then never follow up

I would definitely make her clean up and pay for the repairs and replacement of damaged items and she should want to as this is her home just as much as her parents. I wouldn't throw her out though, that's way OTT but I know MNs toss their kids out at 18 or make them pay through the nose for the privilige of living in their own home.

Now we see why she's such a baby at 26 because the parents keep cleaning up after her parties so when it came to the big one of course mum and dad will sort it hence why no rush to sort it before you got home...my siblings and I had many a party in our teens and I have a lot of them and never ever would we have disrespected our parents house never mind over the age of 20 wtf ..why she living at home anyway we had all left by mid 20s got our own places or families now...the only reason someone of 26 gets away with this behaviour is because they've got away with a lot of other behaviours for years to

or make them pay through the nose for the privilige of living in their own home.

Well, most people have to pay to live in their own home. It's called rent/mortgage. Unless you mean the privilege of living in their parents home, which the parents pay through the nose for.

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. I have 2 young adults (25 DD and 22 DS) and while both of them had their fair share of drunken teenage shenanigans, neither of them would have treated their home anything like approaching this in a million years. At 16 this would have been bad enough but at 26 this is just beyond terrible, both the behaviour at the time, and the aftermath.
OP you’ve created a monster and it’s not just the party behaviour. It’s beyond time to bring your spine back online and get this irresponsible brat that you’ve enabled sorted out, pronto.

She's 26?

26??????

She will pay for all of the damage. It will run into thousands.

Get estimates from reputable trades and look up reputable suppliers of items like the carpet, chair, TV, hot tub, etc. Hauling away of ruined stuff should be included in the bill. A thorough professional cleaning needs to be thrown in too, and she personally needs to clean up the vomit.

DD needs to make plans to move out. Does she have enough common sense or savoir faire to live independently though?