Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

It's pretty obvious she's "consulting" on OF and/or an Escort website (imo)

Omg the lawn story is awful! Is she taking drugs when doing this?

What makes you say that? Surely it could be a normal job.

It could be. But if you look at what the OP has said about how little she tells her parents about her job. Seems dodge to me

She needs to pay for everything. And grow up.
At 26 I had 2 kids a house and would never in a million years have done that to my parents house. Even when I was younger.

She's playing you. The tears? The job? Look closer and ask questions.

YANBU at 26 she is old enough to have her own home/mortgage/family etc, this is something a 15 year old would do and that would be bad enough. Make her do all of the tidying up, arrange for the repairs and pay for them. Totally disrespectful.

You're wasting your time dudes if this is for real, daddies princess will carry on taking the piss and he'll let her.

She works, she pays. She would also be looking for somewhere else to live, if that was one of my kids. One of mine is an adult and if they'd caused this they'd be out.

OP this is disgusting from a 26 year old! My 14 year old daughter had a party, didn’t damage anything, weren’t too loud and her and her friends all started cleaning up after and then came round the next morning to finish off! All her spare money should be spent on paying you back!

@MyFairGreenTurtle You have spoiled your daughter and allowed her to continue her disrespectful behaviour- I bet she will not pay a penny towards the damages.

I repeat an assertion I made recently on a different thread...why is she still at home in her twenties? It seems to be a British "thing". She appears to be infantilised, still paddling about in mental amniotic fluid. Make her pay for everything. Organise everything. She's an adult, FFS!

Many years ago I hesitated to leave my 17-year old son at home, for a night, but with 4 mates , all right nerds, in sleeping bags on the sitting room floor, while I went on a weekend conference. A friend popped in a few times, noting that the curtains were drawn, even in the daytime.

What she found...

Five lads with popcorn, crisps, cola, a dozen cans of beer, watching the complete set of "I Claudius".

OP won't be coming back

Maybe she is a party planner?

You need to parent her. You are not being unreasonable. She must fix this. She caused it. She can get her so called friends to chip in - they behave like teenagers! The only way she will learn and understand is if her actions have consequences. If you just pay for it, what would stop her having another party? You will start to resent each other if you don’t sort this out. Maybe it’s also time for her to have her own place, see how she feels if that gets smashed up! Sending hugs. Be firm, it’s tough but that’s being a parent, even to a grown up!

If she’s got a degree in Business Management (who hasn’t ?!) and advises on Projects then she can Project Manage the repair and/or replacement of everything damaged, not just ‘help’ getting a quote for the workyop…..Jeez. She might not be able to afford to move out for a while because that will cost her a lot but once she’s paid for that she can go and get her own accommodation to allow her acquaintances to trash. And until she moves out she doesn’t have anyone round without you there.

She funds you staying in a hotel until the house has been deep cleaned. Oh, and visits with chocs, wine, and flowers to the neighbours too. (Her, not you)

Seeemples.

I’m not surprised the insurance won’t pay for some/any of it.

Obviously yanbu. She needs to pay for all damages, professional cleaning and then she needs to find her own place.

🤣🤣🤣 why would it be a house insurance job?! It will drive up premiums up going forward. The daughter can pay for it, looks like she’s having a super quiet Christmas and 2026. She needs to grow up, as she sounds more like a 16 year old than a 26 year old

You don’t seem to know much about your daughter who lives with you?

That is a horrendous amount of damages for someone who is nearly 30!!

You’d expect that from a 17 year old!

Not sire why you allowed it after the grass incident.

but - just throwing it out there - if you’d come on here and said you hadn’t allowed the party, I bet some posters would throw the “but it’s her home, she has the right…..blah blah.”

But if she doesn’t pay much keep/rent then that’s you fall back.

If I were you I’d be either drawing up a payment plan (will help you understand her job and pay too) OR ask her to move out.

It’s not even the money - but the huge disrespect. Utterly disgusting.

Oh OP you sweet summer child, she’s not some international business consultant. What expertise does she have to advise others on? She’s not wise or experienced.

the party and the mess is all your fault IMO for being a complete wet blanket of a parent. My brother used to throw parties like this when he was 17!!!

I’d be expecting her to pay for all the damage, at 26 you should be able to trust her not to wreck your house the moment you leave it.

The number of 26 year olds in the world with an undergrad degree in business management who make a living consulting for international clients from their bedroom in their parents' house is roughly equal to the number of pigs that fly.

And the very, very few that do, would likely have the brainpower not to let the house be trashed to oblivion.

You treat her like she’s 14 and that’s the way she behaves, sad for both of you really. She has no respect for you. Is there any sign of her moving out?

Id be making her pay a significant contribution towards getting the damage repaired