Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Of course! Op has been covering for her daughter for too long.

I also thought cocaine and the consultancy work at funny hours souded suss.

If you have anything for her Christmas, return the items and get a refund.

26 I had kids and a mortgage. Absolutely banned from having friends over again. If she had her own flat/house, would she let her friends damage it like this?

Are you making her pay for the damage?

She needs to pay for the damage and also move out. Utterly disrespectful towards you, as well as irresponsible and selfish. And that's putting it mildly.

I think this is a rich person issue. You've created this situation. Isnt an independent consultant what Avon call themselves. Shes a posh entitled girl living her best life.

Not sure the nature of the consultancy work is entirely office based formal project management. She would be earning a good salary if she was a regular consultant. It would be clear what sort of projects she was working on.
And she would often work away from home, and, during the day. Not at home at night time.

You are crackers OP ( and half the issue!) bloody hell, talk about disrespectful!
“ a good social life” 🙈🙈

You’re being absolutely pathetic. No wonder she walks all over you. Why should she have any respect when she clearly doesn’t need to. Unbelievable. Find your anger and demand she pays it all back. This isn’t behaviour from a 26 year old, I expect this from young teenagers and even then I would expect them to be more responsible than that.

🙈 Does she even have a job??

Fucking hell my eldest DD is 25 and no way would she disrespect our home in this way. I would be absolutely fuming!! She is 26 not bloody 16!!! Disgraceful behaviour.

She needs to put this right. Clean, mop, change sheets, hoover, and clear up the sick etc etc and take some responsibility for what has happened. The broken stuff she pays for out of her wages from her job, even if it takes her some time to pay it off. You must make sure that she puts this right and that you don't just allow her to say sorry and leave you to sort everything out and walk all over you.

BS!!

We host about 4 young adult parties per year - and my kids and their friends at 16 behaved WAY better than this 26yo and her mates!

If mine did this they would be paying for the damage and finding somewhere else to live. Disgusting behaviour!

Oh how upsetting. And right before Christmas. I’d be devastated that she’s treat you like that. And at 26 as well! It’s one thing when it’s a teenager who has things get out of control but at 26 it’s not a learning curve it’s just plain selfishness and disrespect. I hope you make her pay for the damage. And I’d be speaking to her about finding her own place to live.

Nope. She gets her own place. Give her one month’s notice and she can sling her hook. Let her fuck that up all she wants.

I would book into hotel for the next few nights to give her the chance to clean up. Then tell her to get quotes for repair and replacement and make her pay every penny piece of it. Up to her if she gets her party mares involved.
Then I give her notice to leave. This is an adult not a young teenager

Both my late teen/early twenties girls have had parties at our house. I set out the ground rules which is no drugs on my premises ever, smoking only outside (I put out containers for this last time), everything has to be back the way it was by the afternoon of the next day, cleaned, hoovered. I ask them if they'd like me to explain the rules to guests or do it themselves (they always do it themselves). I then leave the house for 24 hours.

No issues, no damage, no mess, they usually have a big breakfast the next day and then all clean up together.

The threat is if anyone doesn't follow my rules, then there will be no other parties in the future. Simples.

Your daughter has been infantilised as she has not left home, and has become hostile dependent. You think she would have done this in a friends mothers house. Big change is coming, she needs to move out to get perspective and grow up, never going to happen she stay there.

Good grief. This happened to our house with a 16 year old and even she had the wit to call the police when "friends of friends" turned up and started trying to wreck the place. The poor child was beside herself with remorse when we got home and had spent loads of time already cleaning up what she could.

Damage to that extent and little contribution towards bills…….. I’d be seriously increasing her contributions because something tells me that money isn’t all going solely into savings.

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I would say your dd is having you on. There is no international consultancy:) do you have any proof of this at all?

If you know any of these party goers or their parents I would suggest you message them all personally with pics and ask for money to repair the damage plus an apology. Don't care if they pretend to be adults.

Your dd- clean up, apologise, and time to move out/ get a proper job. She won't get a rental with no job, unless her self employed income is consistent and her tax returns are not showing losses.

So I would insist a job- any job- starts ASAP.

She takes you for mugs. Of course she drinks, or takes drugs. She lives off you.

You're very obviously not being unreasonable. I'm so angry reading this. You WOULD be unreasonable however, if you don't make her pay back every penny to replace every single bit of damage AND you should throw her out. 26 is old enough to know better and she can support herself. Utterly utterly fuming on your behalf.

I don’t think the op is coming back.

I’d still like to know how she simultaneously doesn’t drink but was drunk?

Bet the "job" is an mlm of some sort.

This. What evidence is there of a job or have I missed that?