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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child is domestically abusing me

353 replies

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 11:53

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/12/2025 11:58

Does he have somewhere safe and quiet he can go to when the tension starts to build? Ideally you - and over time him - need to learn to find the first signs of these meltdowns and then get him somewhere safe before the explosion happens.

It’s horrible and you can’t always preempt but noticing those early “bubbles” and having a set way to keep everyone safe is the ideal.

BeQuaintRubyRobin · 13/12/2025 11:59

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. You deserve to live a life without violent abuse.

ChevernyRose · 13/12/2025 11:59

Yanbu. I watched a BBC programme about similar issues. In the end the only way one of the mums was able to get help was to refuse to pick her child up from school so social services had to take him. She was being attacked by him

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 13/12/2025 11:59

He sounds like a thoroughly dysregulated child.

I think you are being mildly unreasonable. But not totally.

You need to separate the calculated abuse from a man, larger than you from the physical reactions of a child much smaller than you who is struggling with his neurological system.

These are not the same power imbalances, and it's unfair to put both scenarios in the same box, but it is completely fair to not see either as acceptable.

Have you been offered any post diagnostic support or sought any out? Does your child have an EHCP? Do you get DLA?

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:00

No he isn't. He's 8, and neurodivergent. His behaviour is horrible to experience but it's not domestic abuse. Have you looked into support for parents experiencing child to parent violence?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 13/12/2025 12:01

Can you self refer to ss for help and support...?

Liissey0710 · 13/12/2025 12:02

Its his autism causing the anger its not that he is abusive he cant control the moods. You might need respite. Is he non verbal can he understand reason and express his emotions.

Ritaskitchen · 13/12/2025 12:04

Maybe you and DH need to learn how to safely restrain him if and when it gets to the point.
What help are you getting for you?
I would help that barring disabilities you DH is strong enough to restrain your DC - when very occasionally this is needed.
Does your DC have a space he can retreat too when he feels his emotions building?

testotest · 13/12/2025 12:05

I don’t have any more practical advice that others here, but I just want to say I’m so sorry to hear how triggering this is for you. And I’d say no to joining you for dinner, you need to be able to decompress and talk to your family without him there, he can join when he’s able to regulate himself better and not hurt you. Keep going mama x

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 12:06

There’s a reason the age of criminal responsibility is where it is.

your child is being violent and very difficult but he is not abusing you anymore than a baby is abusing it’s parents when it screams all night.

adults are expected to not be violent. Toddlers are more often than not violent - hits, pinches, bites etc.

i am sorry your child is being violent. Is there any support you can access - respite, speak to a national autistic society counsellor etc?

Phase42 · 13/12/2025 12:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable to see it that way. My son went through a very difficult stage and it brought back awful memories of how difficult my brother's were when I was growing up. I'm NC with brothers now.

What helped us was time... And our approach to how we dealt with him. We would try and preempt meltdowns. Myself and my husband did a parenting course that was very good - we approached him differently... Things like logic and shouting didn't work. Consistency was invaluable. He's 12 now and a very happy child who hasn't had a meltdown since he was 9.

DallazMajor · 13/12/2025 12:09

Does he lash out at anyone else like this?

Alicorn1707 · 13/12/2025 12:10

@FedUpForChristmas

A couple of excellent resources here and here for dealing with hitting by a neurodivergent child

JustPeter · 13/12/2025 12:12

You need therapy to heal from the abusive partner. Your son is not your previous abuser. I'm not downplaying the way he's behaving, it must be awful to witness and be on the recieving end of his emotions. But you need to find a way to see your son, when he's at his worst, without it triggering your feelings around your historic abuse. That 8 year old is your son, a child and has his diagnoses. He must be terrified when he's in that state. He needs love, compassion and adults who feel rock solid, able to withstand his emotions. He needs adults around him who fight and advocate for his needs, be that tweaking his meds, therapy, help with your own parenting strategies etc.

You can't do that fully untill you help yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first and seek help for your own traumatic experiences

Crofthead · 13/12/2025 12:12

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:00

No he isn't. He's 8, and neurodivergent. His behaviour is horrible to experience but it's not domestic abuse. Have you looked into support for parents experiencing child to parent violence?

Of course it is, op was physically harmed in a domestic setting. Just because the person didn’t have capacity it doesn’t mean it is not physical abuse within the home

Sohelpmegod25 · 13/12/2025 12:16

There was a boy in my daughter’s school and it sounds a very similar situation, the mum was a single mum and she put up and up with it until one day the boy attacked his little sister instead of her he broke her arm. The sister was 7 and she ran out the door screaming to the neighbours and told them and the police and ambulance were then called (he was 9/10) they came and he was taken away by social services and a plan was put in place.
He went to foster respite care and this allowed time for things to calm down and things put in place. The original plan was for him to be in foster care for weekends as this seemed the worse time but he sadly got worse and worse, school could not meet his needs during the week and he was awful at home, the sister told the social worker she wanted to go to her nannas if he was coming she didn’t want to be anywhere near him, and he’d attacked other kids too and eventually he was removed to specialist provision but boarding school. The mum and her daughter moved but apparently he’s now a teenager and isn’t safe to come for home visits which is very sad but ultimately you have other kids you have to think of too and yourself and your older mum too.
This is an extreme case but ultimately you have to think of the whole family but I’d be making my own social services referral and accessing some support now before it gets to a crisis situation.
sending you a massive hug tho OP and hoping you can get the help and support you need.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:16

ChevernyRose · 13/12/2025 11:59

Yanbu. I watched a BBC programme about similar issues. In the end the only way one of the mums was able to get help was to refuse to pick her child up from school so social services had to take him. She was being attacked by him

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

This might sound like a solution but it's absolutely horrendous to do to a child. Oddly enough local authorities don't have a ready supply of lovely foster placements and children's homes just waiting for children to be dropped off at.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:23

Crofthead · 13/12/2025 12:12

Of course it is, op was physically harmed in a domestic setting. Just because the person didn’t have capacity it doesn’t mean it is not physical abuse within the home

Show quote history

It's NOT domestic abuse. It's child to parent violence which has an entirely different motive and profile. You can't say it's domestic abuse just because it's within the home, that's not what domestic abuse means.

JLou08 · 13/12/2025 12:23

Are you still under paediatrics for him? You need to reach out to people for extra support, explore restraint classes for you and DH so you can keep everyone safe when this happens and an OT assessment to look at triggers to prevent it happening.
I don't think you'd be wrong to call the police when he is 10 if it is still happening, but in all honesty I think the most they will do is refer to social services. If you have already tried disciplining your DC and this is just a loss of control the police turning up at the door is unlikely to make any difference. I don't imagine they would take him to the station or even consider charges until he is closer to 16.

Leo800 · 13/12/2025 12:23

I’m sorry this is happening to you. You need to protect yourself & your other children from this. They will be damaged by witnessing it. I had a sibling who was similar & is now in prison unfortunately. The impact on the rest of the family has been huge.

Crofthead · 13/12/2025 12:24

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:23

It's NOT domestic abuse. It's child to parent violence which has an entirely different motive and profile. You can't say it's domestic abuse just because it's within the home, that's not what domestic abuse means.

Show quote history

One hour of being pummelled, dragged by the hair in the home sounds like DA to me

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 12:25

DallazMajor · 13/12/2025 12:09

Does he lash out at anyone else like this?

This, is he lashing out at school, at people in the street?

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 12:26

Yanbu at all. I'd tell your child that at 10 you can (and will) call the police on him. If it has to be fear that stops him doing it then that's what you'll have to use.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 13/12/2025 12:26

ChevernyRose · 13/12/2025 11:59

Yanbu. I watched a BBC programme about similar issues. In the end the only way one of the mums was able to get help was to refuse to pick her child up from school so social services had to take him. She was being attacked by him

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

Well it could come to that, but right now I think you need a safe space to plonk him in and some expert advice to deal with it.

An eight year old in a frenzy can hit pretty hard so while your DH is right that he isn't an adult man, I can see why you're triggered.

In the end, you do have to protect yourself and the rest of your family - I'd v v much hope it won't come to that, but some children cannot live in family settings.

NotrialNodeal · 13/12/2025 12:27

Are you really not able to overpower an 8 year old? Does your husband actually get beaten up by him? How big is this kid?