My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

I think sometimes in these moments we feel like we need to be doing something to defuse the situation but often that can actually make things worse and it’s adding more people and words to the situation than the child can cope with at that point. Often ensuring they can’t hurt themselves and then retreated can be more effective for allow things to defuse.

If my audhd child started repeatedly beating me up I would absolutely threaten them with the police because that will be an actual reality if they assault someone. Many of these children who beat up their parents or siblings for years during childhood end up in prison for extended periods because it was never properly dealt with in childhood, people pussy foot around them and don't give them the short sharp shock that they actually need. The criminal justice system will not care if they have SEN (unless they lack capacity which it doesn't sound like OP's child does) they will be locked up regardless.

So by your rhetoric, if a male partner beats up his girlfriend or wife, but his intentions aren't to control or power her, it's not domestic abuse?

utter fucking bullshit

I wasn't wrong to say it doesn't matter what it 'sounds like' to you, that it's irrelevant. & you're wrong.

i was incorrect to assume the poster suggesting to use FEAR to control a child with SEN, had no experience with SEN. I assumed someone who had, would have more knowledge & compassion. But it seems that's not always the case. I'm sad I was incorrect. Poor children.

So if he pummelled you this morning, why is he being rewarded with going out to dinner with you?

Autism is not excuse for bad behaviour, he knows he's done wrong because he's actually apologised for it. There needs to be a consequence for bad behaviour.

I grew up with this OP and I really feel for you. My brother is profoundly autistic+other issues from birth. He's older than me and a lot of my most traumatic memories from childhood revolve around his violence in the home. Was it his fault? Of course not but that doesn't mean it's not domestic violence. When my brother got to be a teen, a very large teen, my poor mother was black and blue, he threw the furniture round, smashed glasses, kicked doors in just shouting as he is non verbal. I remember as a little girl just always living in fear of the next kick off.

Eventually he went into a unit with carers where he lived during the week and would come home at weekends as my mum just couldn't cope anymore.

I really feel for you, I have no advice just so much sympathy.

Firstly he is 8. You can safely restrain him - you need to learn techniques. Lots of deep pressure, wrapping in Weighted blanket while restraining.

Second work out his meds regime. I wake mine, give meds and they go back to sleep for an hour. We top up does in the evening. Making sure in bed before wear off. Dc listen to audio books or if a bed night put cartoons on tv on their room.

You can’t punish metldowns out of a child (or adult though) which is why we need to help young people find the coping mechanisms when they are going into meltdown so they have those skills for when they do get older.

This is a condition, not a choice, you absolutely need to be safe and not attacked but also - he is sick, he may never get better, you need a coping strategy

ADHD meds, long slow acting ones like Concerta can make a huge difference, you can take it as soon as you wake up and it lasts like 11 hours, but you can also take one at 6am and another at like 10 and it lasts the whole day, ask about it.

You are right to be upset, but this isn;t a pre meditated attack, its not being done to upset or hurt you, they need help, as do you, try not to take it personally

It's really not accurate or helpful (imo) to use the term domestic abuse when referring to the behaviour of a child of this age. Legally, one would need to be 16 or over to be classed as being a perp and the motivation and treatment differ from those that drive/ address the lashing out seen in neurodivergent children

Yes. Some work from an organisation that advises on non violent restraint might help

I've had this with my dc and was referred to SS and families first and it helped. I would restrain dc and mine is very big for his age.I also confined him to his bedroom to stop the house being trashed and him being able to do more damage. I would talk to him, saying why are we doing this or if we break this we won't get another, I never expected answer but sometimes it would stop him.I wouldn't be putting up with an attack for over an hour having my hair pulled ect. Thee worst attack I had his 1 yr brother was in the firing line too, usually it happened after he was in bed, I called the police he was 7. It scared him and he calmed down before they came out and the violence mostly stopped after.

I don't accept that meltdowns from a verbal and socially aware child include beating people up for an hour. At that point they need to be threatened with some sort of punishment, he waited for his mum to come out of the bathroom and then ran at her and started beating her, you will not convince me that part of that is a choice made by him to beat up his mother.

Can we focus on helping OP rather than squabbling about definitions?

OP, I’m sure you have read all the books, tried all the strategies. I’m not going to make suggestions like that.

I feel your pain- I had disregulated foster DC and holding them off without hurting them is very hard. If it was an adult, you could fight back to an extent. But with a child you are reduce to holding them at a distance which is down to the length of your arms!

Self care- make sure all of you get to go out alone, calm down, do breathing exercises and generally top up your reserves of patience and resilience.
The better you care for yourself- food, exercise, sleep, yoga- the better you’ll cope with your lad.

It’s hard. Very hard. Are you using protective clothing? Over sleeves, bite proof things, hair covers? Even if you sidle off to get them when the temp starts to rise, they can save you just a little.

Also, does he have some ‘allowed’ outlets? Tearing fabric, chewing toys? Ways to release energy when he’s winding up. We liked the squeezy fabric tube, the swing nest thing, trampoline.

I forgot to add RE triggers:

Everything triggers him. We've identified dozens and dozens and of course do what we can to eliminate and and manage them, but not every one can be.

For example this morning. My 4yo and 7yo began fussing over which one of them could play with the toy they both wanted to use and within seconds it has triggered him and he's off - screaming, banging, attacking.

Other triggers:

Having the TV on any channel other than ITV. I gave up watching TV 18 months ago. He's the only one who watches it because everyone else is sick of ITV.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.

The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.

Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.

Anybody touching anything he deems as his (even when it isn't)

Me and DH discussing things, from politics to the weekly shop, we get shouted at and told to shut up and stop talking.

Not being able to rewind the television when he goes to the toilet. We've never been able to do that.

Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.

The neighbours flushing their toilet.

The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.

Me being on the phone talking

Dogs walking past him in the street

Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys

There is just too many and too random to be able to manage them all.

Also, and I'll probably be shot down for saying this, sometimes it's not even a meltdown it's just bad behaviour.

For example demanding things then hitting when we don't comply, shouting at siblings for playing etc.

Meltdowns, when they happen, usually involve him trying to hurt himself (scratching, biting etc) and those are very different to what we deal with on a daily basis.

What medication is he on?
Some of the long acting ones have different % releases over time and some can drop them off a cliff at the end of the day, which often coincides with the end of a stressful day of masking at school.

What are they like in the summer holidays?
If the pattern is that it starts with disregulated behaviour, is fine for a bit in the middle and then disregulated at the end, that would imply a school anxiety issue.

It’s a tightrope juggling act of giving them space and giving them attention. You can’t have a normal life but once you work out the formula you can have a happier life.

Our changing point was moving to a small special school for Y7, a standard primary was hell on earth for everyone.

There are only two solutions that I can see for handling such a child (or adult for that matter).
Normal approaches for neurotypical or non-learning-disabled people are not suitable and won't work.
A) You need to learn professional "holds" of the kind used by police or the staff who look after such children and adults - the school should be providing training for their own staff, so I would ask them.
B) Medication to stop or drastically reduce the violence, including injections for use in emergencies.

I have worked in a residential care home for young adults with learning disabilities or autism, and extremely "challenging" behaviour (to use the current euphemism). This was a 'last-resort' setting, for people that no other home could handle, with the kind of security and staffing you get in a secure mental hospital (basically a prison-hospital), except that as these young people were not actually ill, it was not a hospital. It was a permanent home for people with permanent conditions.
It is sad, but some people just cannot live in a 'normal' family setting.

@FedUpForChristmas - as you are finding, you will be left to deal with your child alone. All the authorities, including GP and social services, will not step up until you make a stand and get your child removed. None of the organisations who should be "helping" you has any money, so they will not remove your child in advance of a crisis. You will be left to cope until the family a crisis involving A&E and/or the police.
I am so sorry you are carrying this burden.

My youngest was similar to your DS though not as frequent at home. At the time he was in mainstream school and he was just as violent at school. One day during a particularly bad episode we called the mental health team and they suggested A&e. Luckily by the time we arrived he had calmed down. However it was the best thing we ever did. The Doctor in A&e saw how much it was impacting the entire family. She made contact with various services and we had appointments within days. One of the biggest things they did was prescribe a medication that we give when an episode is happening or just about to happen. It really calms my youngest down and he will spend the rest of the day sleeping or relaxing. Now he is 14, in a specialist setting and is a completely different boy. We still use his medication but he is able to.know he needs to take it before he explodes. Sometimes we encourage him to take it but it helps alot.

Something that really helped me was talking therapy, having someone to speak to and get all my feelings out without any worry about putting more on my DH.

I asked for a referral to Early Help and they suggested a course for me and DH. We did that and it made no difference.
So you told them it didn't meaningfully improve your parenting in these circumstances and asked what else they had to offer you?

We don't have any involvement with SS currently, despite me contacting them twice before, because we are seen as coping (ha!) and meeting his needs.
Social services are underfunded and understaffed. Them saying "no, sorry, can't help" us just the first of their hoops you'll need to jump through. Make a (polite) nuisance of yourself untill they help you

You're doing the things you need to, but you are not pushing back against the apathy and lack of empathy that exists in the system.
This is what I mean about putting on your own oxygen mask first. You can't fully fight for your son until you can separate him from the man who abused you

I had therapy for my own DV years before I had DS. I do appreciate it's not the same as being abused by a grown man but when you're being attacked regularly in your own home it sure does feel abusive
You need more therapy.
You had therapy when you were emotionally safe before you were faced with daily reminders of the historical abuse. You are not emotionally safe now. This current experience links back to your historic abuse in a way that didn't exist when you had therapy. There's more work to do

Also don't know if it's been said but even though Criminal responsibility is 10, its not considered domestic abuse unless 16 or over.

So if he fits a PDA profile a low demand approach is the way to go and it sounds like he is constantly in fight or flight mode at home and at school.

What sort of school is he in? If he has an EHCP already and isn't in a specialist school then I would request an early annual review because his needs are not being met.

What is his sleep like? If he is a poor sleeper too I would see if you can get him assessed for melatonin. I imagine it is hard to sleep with so much going on inside his world and then poor sleep in turn means he is less able to cope with daily demands.

I don't think respite is an option however much people keep saying it, it's a postcode lottery, and it's just a sad fact that it isn't an option for everybody who would benefit from it. You've enough on your plate.

It will strengthen your case for support to keep a small diary of meltdowns, behaviours, what happened just before the meltdown, what happened afterwards, who did what, how long it took for calming down to happen etc. It helps identify patterns that can be acted upon. School should also be doing this. That way it can highlight that needs aren't being met despite high levels of support.

Another PP mentioned some handling training earlier and that is also a good shout because you might not be able to prevent this from happening but the goal should be mitigating damage to yourselves and to him.

It is no wonder you feel battered and bruised because you are, but it isn't helpful to call this abuse. He is still a child. Branding him an abuser so young is just going to cause more harm in the long run. What you need is support in specific PDA approaches which is usually a case of self education because it isn't widely recognised in the UK as a profile of autism.

Just to add, we were fortunate to move to a cheaper area so we could afford a detached house with a conservatory, so we have separate sitting rooms.

Your husband should be blocking him from getting anywhere near you and your mother and other children.

If necessary, taking him to a room away from you all and not leaving him alone.

You should not be under any kind of physical attack.

So if a man has rages and loses control and beats his wife up, is that domestic abuse?