My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

Legally perhaps, but the result is the same - would you argue it wasn't domestic abuse if he was 15 and a half?

From the point of view of the OP, the result is the same. She is expressing her distress.

Applying this logic, how do we know that some adult male domestic abusers aren’t just neurodivergent and can’t regulate their emotions? I used to be severely mentally ill and now after therapy and medication I can see I acted abusively during that time. I didn’t realise it at the time. But mental illness and neurodivergence aren’t excuses to abuse someone. Reasons, yes, but not excuses. At what age does it become abuse? OP’s feelings are valid here and your minimising won’t help.

It is if they are repeatedly beating people up for hours on end.

I don't agree. OP is framing her young child's behaviour through the lens of adult abuse which is going to lead to her responding in unhelpful ways that will only make the situation worse. She needs help to process her own trauma around DA and to reframe what her child is doing so she's not being constantly triggered. Challenging her perspective on this is extremely important.

Thank you for the replies, to answer some questions:

He does have a safe space he can retreat to when he's overwhelmed or over stimulated, he just won't stay in it. He has lots of sensory items, a den etc.

We try to give him all of the space we can when he gets like this but sometimes we do need to intervene when it gets dangerous, for example this morning DH had to get him off me, guide him to the sofa and hold his hands whilst trying to calm him down.

Because he fits a PDA profile we keep demands low and parent with PDA in mind.

He does have an EHCP and lots of support.

He is like this with other people, not just us. He's the same at school.

We've been down the road of trying to access respite and we were told that he's too young.

I asked for a referral to Early Help and they suggested a course for me and DH. We did that and it made no difference.

We don't have any involvement with SS currently, despite me contacting them twice before, because we are seen as coping (ha!) and meeting his needs.

I had therapy for my own DV years before I had DS. I do appreciate it's not the same as being abused by a grown man but when you're being attacked regularly in your own home it sure does feel abusive 😕

I can't overpower my 7 year old. He's not really violent at all anymore, but there was a point where he was breaking multiple baby gates a year, he once pushed a conservatory sliding door off of its tracks, he's left me bruised and bloody, he's ripped clumps of my mum's hair out multiple times. And literally no one did anything to help us. Not GP's, not early help, not therapists, not social services. Literally no one. He was punching us, kicking us, biting us, nipping us, everything he could do, he did.

It really isn't easy to overpower a child, especially neurodivergent ones. When they're overstimulated and having a violent meltdown, it's like they turn into the Hulk

OP - you say he is at a SEN school. Therefore I will guess that he has a range of professionals in his life. In the first instance I would talk to the school to explain that you are not coping at home. What strategies do they employ in school? Do you have a social worker - reach out, explain you are in crisis - keep pushing for help. Are there any suitable residential school options - that would be a hard fight and would take time but worth considering. At that age my son had outbursts - not as violent but related to his SN. Does he have anywhere safe in your house to decompress - having his bedroom to run to as a safe space (not a punishment) helped.

The point I was making you were pulling me up for saying ‘seems like’ when you did the same when you figured that pp seemed like she didn’t have sen experience and she did.

Adult abuse is not always malicious or intentional either though. But if the behaviour is abusive, it is abuse regardless of intention.

Of course it feels abusive op, you were physically abused. Don’t let other posters minimise this, you need support

All this nit picking op basically terrified in her own home after being beaten the shit out of by her child geez! Save the pedantics.

Have you got a social worker? You all clearly need more support as no he cannot go on and continue to beat up his parents and granny. Sometimes when his older calling the police is the only way to get extra help, op also has to be seen to be keeping her other children save from their brother which letting them witness her getting beaten up isn’t doing either.

Yes, but she's also the parent and needs to find a way to a) reframe her child's behaviour and not project adult motivations onto him and b) deal with it better. Her distress is valid but her child's distress is also valid. He doesn't know how to express it and he needs help to do this safely. Who can help him if not his parents?

I would tell his doctor that he’s having rage and irritability as it could be his medication is causing a come down which could explain why he calmed down once he had it, this was the case for me and I was told it is a common side effect of the dose being wrong and it DID make the world of difference.

No but it helps to use the correct terminology for the OP to stop thinking it's the same thing as with her ling ago ex partner and to find the help she needs.

No it isn't, coercive behaviour is part of it, and it is often the main motivation, but it doesn't have to be.

Yes autumn leaves was wrong to call me out for saying seems like and then making assumptions herself

You've obviously never dealt with an out of control chiod! In the height of dysregulation children can be very strong. I've seen 2 adults, using approved techniques struggle with a pretty average size 10 year old before now.

Adults are adults. Children are not adults and don't view relationships through the same lens. ND and trauma may contribute to DA behaviour in adults but they also have capacity to make choices about their behaviour in a way that children don't. Again, this is an 8 year old CHILD.

Definitely. This woukd have been my first step once he was on the medication.

So sorry that you are having to cope with this pain from your own child OP. You really do deserve to be separated from him for a time. You must tell Social Services, they must provide some way of taking the pressure off you. Residential and stronger meds probably.
The pp here who are trivialising it really do not understand that the bruises are the same as if inflicted by someone older, having hair pulled out by the roots is painful whoever inflicts it.
Get him away and repair the love and safety for your other children and your Mother. It will be impossible with him there.

Adults have capacity to make choices over their behaviour that 8 year old children do not.

Of course she and her partner do need to do all they can to manage it better in the home, and they clearly needs more help with that.

It's not always possible, mind you.

8 year olds aren't considered to be perpetrators of domestic abuse. He is struggling to regulate his emotions and his behaviour. You all need better support and I'd argue he therefore isn't getting all the help he needs.

Autumn leaves is a little too fond of showcasing her huge expertise (which of course none of the rest of us have) rather than being helpful to the OP, who is in quite a desperate stage.

domestic abusers can sometimes make positive changes via perpetrator programmes. That wouldn't be appropriate for an 8 year old boy.
the behaviour is distressing and harmful to the OP but it's not domestic abuse