My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

It's irrelevant what if 'sounds like' to you if it is incorrect. Which it is. The difference was explained to you, try to learn from it.

He's a child and he's neurodivergent. He is not domestically abusive.

Domestic abuse refers to abuse from any family member, or a carer in the home. It does not just refer to abuse between partners.

So yes, it is.

A lot of ND children have unbelievable strength, especially during a meltdown.

Ok. Im sure that will be a great comfort to op then to know she got the terminology wrong for being physically assaulted within her home.

When you have ZERO SEN experience. You really shouldn't wade in with very unhelpful comments.

the OP shouldn't have posted in AIBU but I think that's part if the issue here. His SEN isn't being well managed

I have two ND children.

Thank you! Felt like I was going mad. Whatever it is it’s not acceptable at all and the op and her family should not need to be subjected to that ND or not - that level of violence - an hour of an 8 year old abusing three adults is not ok.

Thank you! Felt like I was going mad. Whatever it is it’s not acceptable at all and the op and her family should not need to be subjected to that ND or not - that level of violence - an hour of an 8 year old abusing three adults is not ok.

Domestic abuse is abuse that is led by a want to control and have power over someone. Losing control and being violent is not domestic abuse if it is not done as part of a pattern of behaviour to control someone.

The legal definition of domestic abuse applies to people over the age of 16. So no, an 8 year old is not and cannot be domestically abusive. Anyone who insists that this is domestic abuse doesn't understand domestic abuse, child development or neurodivergence.

Well you just got it wrong when you assumed a pp didn’t have sen experience, turns out she has 2 ND children. Maybe take your own advice

It's not about any of that. Just stop it.

it's about getting the help needed for the situation as it is & using the correct terminology will help.

I think both you and your husband should have some quality crisis prevention /positive handling training, ie CPI or team teach. This looks first to deescalate but also trains on safe and effective holds to minimise anyone getting hurt.

By her CHILD. By her 8 year old child. This is a parenting issue. She and her husband need help to parent this CHILD. Blaming a young ND child for dysregulated behaviour and labelling it as domestic abuse is frankly absurd.

People are ignoring the fact that the OP is a survivor of male violence, and also that her elderly mother was attacked as well.

I have nothing useful to say other than it sounds like hell. The second thread this morning where I’ve read of a family being held to ransom in intolerable situations by an ND child.

If respite care is a thing use it.

Contact CAPA first response, there’s a lot you can do to get this under control and yes, he is not an adult perpetrators of domestic abuse and see him that way will be feeding into what’s going on. Also contacting the police is not a panacea and doesn’t solve the problems. I really feel for you, have been in a similar situation, have come through the other side now following coaching from CAPA

Then you should damn well know that FEAR is not the way to deal with a child with SEN.

Don't really think that arguing about definitions of domestic abuse are going to help the OP.

You could call her son's behaviour Cute Pink Bunny Hops, it doesn't change the physical or emotion impact of what's happening in her home.

She's still wrong though.

Can we not start the whole 'if he isn't doing it to random people he can control it' stuff. it's not helpful and nor is it accurate. Op has already said his dad and Nan are also on the receiving end as well too.

I agree with sirzy about trying to find the early warning signs, once he's off he's off, you need to get in there at a point he can still be simmered down rather than boiling over. I appreciate that's easier said than done though. For one of mine there are no obvious things that trigger a shutdown/meltdown, it's literally just that they get to a point of being overwhelmed and anything can then trigger them off. Early warning signs are anxiety (feeling sick/ill/headache), grumpiness and getting snappy or starting to shut down and not speak.

I would also say having support and an EHCP doesn't mean a thing unless it's the right support and he's in the right environment. In my experience relentless meltdowns at home were caused by needs not being met in school and them masking it all day. When things are right in school meltdowns/shutdowns reduce significantly at home for us.

Agree with this.

Agree with this.

Agree with this.

Yeah. Seemingly she does have 2 SEN children, sadly she still thinks FEAR is the way to deal with them. Experience clearly isn't always enough.