My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

Have a look into enrolling on the Who’s in Charge (WIC) child to parent violence programme. Our school offered me (despite no child to parent violence at home) as youngest was struggling after starting reception. We didn’t end up needing it but I was given great advice on here about how useful the course it! Sorry you’re experiencing this xx

@FedUpForChristmas is he using headphones to manage the sounds that trigger him?

Your mention of TV reminds me of a boy who was triggered by the neighbours’ TV being on and visible through the window.

I tolerated this from my DD for years, until she hospitalised me when she was 21.

She’s now in a care setting for adults with additional needs and behavioural issues, and has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. She has learning difficulties too.

DH works away a lot too, and DD is bigger than me, with no comprehension that she is inflicting lasting harm (she’s completely in the moment).

When she was a child though, it would’ve been really difficult to overpower her without causing any injury to her- she was uncontrollable.

My nephew was like this and much better now, he’s 10 now. My sister took him to play therapy which was really helpful. Also implemented PDA parenting style as you are doing. He’s not perfect by any means but much better than when he was 8. Sometimes he catches himself now before entering full melt down mode and will exit environments that are dressing him out. Your household, with two younger siblings, does sound chaotic, unpredictable and difficult for him to cope with. My nephew luckily has become obsessed with gaming on the PlayStation which has become his predictable safe space where he can succeed and gives him pride and builds his confidence. He’s slightly less needy than he was at 8. Don’t give up on your son, he is still very young and capable of developing better emotional regulation.

My son also has Adhd so I can appreciate what you are experiencing. Except my son has never hit me but he has his dad and older brother. The only advice I can give you is too go back to cahms and tell them he needs 12 hrs medication so he is medicated for most of the time he is awake .go back to ss and tell them you have done the parenting classes and you need help that the situation has hit crisis point.
Also as crazy as this may sound by removeing all these triggers it sounds like your hole household is walking on eggshells and that's not manageable long term he will at some point have to learn to live with them teach him skills to cope. And I know this is not easy im speaking from experience not judgement. Does he have ear defenders ,jobs he can do to earn money this keeps him busy and teaches lofe skills. .what are the consequences for bad behaviour .I learnt the hard way that no consequences ment continuation of bad behavior.
Good luck .

@FedUpForChristmas I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I think the above advice is excellent.

The reality is he is not getting the support he needs but I understand the point you are making that he is getting good support.

When his nervous system gets out of whack he is going into a ridiculously overdriven “fight” mode so there is a two pronged approach about not letting it escalate to that level by teaching him to recognise the early warning signs that it coming and having a space to retreat to and tools to use to regulate. For my son it is about music and regulating that way, and a calm space. You must also tell him when things calm down that physically assaulting you is not ever acceptable and will not be tolerated. Although if the first part is taken care of likely it will stop the second part.

As to calling the police down the line, 100% absolutely calling the police if you are getting assaulted it is absolutely appropriate and getting them to support you if he kicks off if he is adult sized is appropriate. That is by the by for what you are dealing with at the moment though. It sounds very challenging for you I hope things improve for you soon.

It actually sounds like you dislike your child and he’s probably picking up on it! He has autism and your answer is once he reaches the age of criminal responsibility you’ll have him arrested! What will that achieve other than distress him futher. As you really don’t want him speak to disabled children’s services and find a residential placement for him, you’ll absolve yourself of responsibility and he’ll be well cared for!

I really feel for you. My middle child is the same. I’ve had to have the police out but they will not do anything, as she’s still a child and not actually in control of her behaviour (teenager). I’ve been hospitalised and had stitches where she has lost control. For my child, she has PDA traits so this is what triggers her - it’s worth exploring what triggers yours. Go for high rate DLA - this is has enabled me to pay for respite as there is no support available in my local area.

🙄

And what will calling the police achieve? He lacks capacity so nothing will happen! OP clearly doesn’t like her son, the best solution would be a residential placement! OP can absolve herself of responsibility which is what wants! I work with disabled children so aware of the challenges these families have.

Im going to say it.
Not all SEN is the blame for violent behaviour.
And I do wish some people would see that and not say he or she can't help it they have some sort SEN.

Domestic assault is a crime. Crimes cannot be committed by a child who has not reached the age of criminal responsibility. How can we say an 8 year old has the mens rea for domestic assault? We can't.

I see lots of discussion about whether this is DA or not - I don't see that matters, what matters is that OP and her DH and elderly DM are being battered by an 8 year old DS.

At one point in the future one of the other children will be battered by the 8 yr old and they will be injured (perhaps badly).

The #1 priority is not the DS but the other 4 or 5 who live in this house that are not safe from him. Ways must be sought in order to either remove him from the hosue or have him isolated so he can't hurt anyone else.
Once that has been done then #2 priority is help for DS.

My thoughts exactly. You need to over power him and pin him down. He is getting bigger by the day and this is not acceptable.

The police can and will prevent an assault from occurring.

I have 2 children with ASD and know many parents who have been in situations like the OP and have needed police support to manage situations over the years. Decent officers look at whole picture too.

Thing is if his triggers can be as simple as someone laughing or his siblings being just siblings playing that’s not something that can or really should be stopped either.

What life is that for the two other children involved here? You can only bend so much before others are actually suffering as well.

Imagine a life where you can never laugh, sing, have a phone call or watch something on tv for fear of a beating. Prison would’ve easier and nicer.

I’m not going to go over the many things that have been posted already, but you need help NOW!

I have children with SEND needs, are you on facebook? Search for Newbold Hope - family support group, ask to join the resources are fantastic and the group will point you in the right direction without judgement, lots of families going though the same thing.

Newboldhope.com

also will help point you in the right path

Google Yvonne Newbold - she does lots of ted talks and gives advice on violence and ASD /ADHD / neurodivergence

please reach out for help in places where there are families who understand what you are going through.

Good luck

A male partner is an adult with the capacity to understand right and wrong and to form criminal intention. He's not an eight year old child!

We don't need to call what this child is doing "domestic abuse" in order to see that it's bad and shouldn't be allowed to continue.

Unfair to say OP doesn't like her child. It's being beaten up for an hour at a time she doesn't like.

Then you need to do better when it comes to offering advice, because quite honestly what you’ve suggested is terrible.

If you really have two ND children (doubtful going by your “advice”) then you know that sort of “reasoning” that you’ve suggested will not work when a child is deregulated and about to hit meltdown.

Its actually insulting to those of us with ND children (btw, I have 6) to suggest it’s that easy to fix.

What a vile statement “op clearly doesn’t like her son”??

Your last comment shows that there are different scenarios

1. Meltdown where he's hurting himself.
2. Angry violence towards others.

As an ND mum to two ND kids I'd be treating scenario number two exactly the same as I would with any other child. Consequences and punishments.

I'd also be looking at anger management techniques for children to go alongside a no tolerance approach to hitting/punching/kicking etc.

A meltdown can't be controlled once it's going on. As you know it's different. Those I am very caring and understanding of. Chosen violence used as control I'm not. Whether it's a kid or an adult, ND or NT.

If he's so triggered by the rest of the family existing he will have to spend more time in his room. If he has his own space/room he can go there if others are triggering his anger.

I'd not be letting him comandeer the family TV as you describe either.

My friend had to call the police on her adult son - it was very difficult but she was terrified - he has tried to set the house on fire, threatened her with a knife, shoved her around. The Police arrested him and he spend the night in the cells, he saw a psychologist and they made recommendations which helped him see a psychiatrist on the NHS pretty quickly. It's heartbreaking, she loves him, she's scared of him, she wants to help him but her hands are tied - he's in his 30's and he's getting worse every year. When he's well he's lovely, no one's sure what triggers him. He's on anti-psychotic drugs now but often won't take them, he blames everything on her. The NHS are so shit at dealing with situations like this.

OP, this sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation.

Would a school with residential options be the answer?

I'm wondering whether the Gretton School is one you could consider.

www.grettonschool.com/about