My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

I am not experienced but the A&E suggestion sounds sensible. At his worst he IS in danger of harming himself and certainly others and it may trigger a cascade of better support for you. It sounds utterly miserable and I wish you luck.

Go back to the doctor.
Maybe there is a better medication.

It serves no one that he has violent, uncontrolled outbursts.

Would filming him alert him to his own behaviour and make him think of alternative options for when a problem seems too over bearing?

Make a chart of other responses and reactions that are acceptable. Pin the poster to the wall and have him read over them after his bed time story.

It really isn't easy to overpower a child, especially neurodivergent ones. When they're overstimulated and having a violent meltdown, it's like they turn into the Hulk

This is very true. My ND DD1 (now 16) was violent towards me, and very occasionally DD2, from the ages of 6-10. (Never my DH.) She was never aggressive at school, unlike your DS; she was always ready to explode from the moment I picked her up. She used to hit me on the way home, even.

She had 10 sessions of therapy (‘theraplay’ - worth asking about) at 10, and she stopped directing her violence at me, but continued throwing things, trying to break her glasses and hearing aids, and screaming at us.

And yes, I was scared of her. I’m still wary of her when she gets into an aggressive state, though she never actually hurts her.

Could I have overpowered her? Possibly, though she was very strong even then. There was also the fear that I would end up hurting her if I defended myself so that made me wary, too.

Both my DDs are adopted and DD1 has probable FASD and autistic tendencies (she’s waiting for assessment on the NHS).

Op this is awful, you really have my sympathy. People underestimate how strong a nd child is in times of stress. Its impossible to calm and subdue them. You must be walking on eggshells,all of you. While horrible for your 8 year old to feel like that it is important that any other children are not witness to it. It will affect them badly longterm in adulthood. I have 3 nd children one of whom was like this and I just wanted to run away or go to sleep and never wake up. The stress is unimaginable. Mine thankfully isn't like that anymore, it stopped as suddenly as it begun. In your shoes I would look at getting some respite for you all and ask any of the people involved in your sons care to help you. Because if he injured another child in the home you wont have a choice but to put him somewhere else unfortunately.

I don't think it's helpful to debate whether or not this is domestic abuse. DA or not, intentional or not, it is abusive behaviour happening in the place OP should feel safe. Hair pulling is also intensely painful.

I understand wanting to threaten to call the police, but this won't help. This lad's behaviour is likely due to dysregulation and so threats and appeals to reason won't help in the moment.

In the moment I think you need to keep safety as a boundary. If this means holding him to stop him attacking then this is what you need to do; you might find that physical containment actually helps him feel safer/calmer quicker, sometimes violent meltdowns are driven by wanting high pressure touch. Weighted blankets can be helpful as an alternative to calm things down too.

Keeping a ABC chart (antecedent, behaviour, consequence) can help you understand what might be driving the meltdowns and what helps end them.

The police when he's of age are more likely to section than arrest him FYI, and hospital won't help him.

Keep contacting children's services and push for help.

Good luck. This is a period of time that will pass. This is not your or his forever.

Edited to add: I'd try and schedule quality time with him, as bloody hard as this is he needs his mum right now. The way he's feeling is not going to be easy for him, and if he feels separated or rejected by you it's going to make dysregulation worse.

You must contact your local authority for help. The school should be able to direct you to the right people as you don’t have to live like this.
We found having a Safe Space helped us when our child was in meltdown and we were able to access a disability facilities grant to buy one.
https://safespaces.co.uk/

As other poster shave said, you WILL have to make a fuss as services will not come and save you on their own. It’s tiresome but this is the world we are living in now.

Even with every attempt and excellent care and planning some people will never be able to be as calm or regulated as people would like.

All you can do is try every suggestion and ultimately some people such as @Beryls brother need to live apart from family. I really felt for you when I read your post @Beryls. My friends DS is a police officer and among the many calls he gets he says the calls from ‘very nice people’ being abused by their large sons with SEN are very sad.

He wouldn’t be going out to dinner. I had a friend who had a child who had the occasional outburst enough for a member of the public to call the Police when he hit her and he was a teen she always did everything as she wanted to keep the peace. She never ever withdrew anything. He had ASD, he wasn’t stupid, he knew she would never make him have a consequence.

He keeps doing it because he gets away with it. You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks. Autism isn't an excuse for violence. Do you want him to grow up to be a man who attacks people?

Did he physically attack your mother?

@FedUpForChristmas you've mentioned all the support your child gets but not how you've educated yourself about parenting an AuDHD child.
There was a clear trigger today - siblings quarrelling. So where was the strategy to deflect away from DS before the meltdown i.e. as soon as the trigger started? Diversion, distraction, safe place, regulating activities etc, DS having space to self regulate?
Also make sure the meds are actually helping. Sometimes they make the autistic traits worse in an AuDHD child.

That doesn’t really follow with ND children. We used to penalise DD1 a lot, through docking pocket money. She often ended up with none at all, or with very little. It didn’t stop her physically hurting me, support and therapy did.

Come behind him and restrain him by holding down his arms.
It's not nice but if he on a hospital ward he'd be restrained.
I had to restrain my DS when he was younger.
Put him in an area where he can calm down but also contained.

And you need to butt out. It's the OP that is getting the crap kicked out of her, not you. If the best you can offer is to criticise the terminology she uses, I suggest that you and your high horse ride off into the sunset. This is a very distressed mum reaching out for help, and you berks are arguing about her right to call it domestic abuse. Shame on you.

I'm so sorry that this is your life, it sounds horrific for the whole family including your child
I think we need a bit more info to give helpful suggestions. Is your child non verbal with limited understanding, or quite academic with an age appropriate level of understanding?

What strategies does his school use? Are they effective?

Obviously PDA adds a much bigger complication into the mix

Keep on at SS, they need to help you

Modern British parenting trends contribute to these problems. There ARE times when a parent NEEDS to be physical with their kids. It’s not always black and white. Parents need the ability to lay down the law if they have a situation that requires it. This kid needs what his parents are too weak to give him but the government would arrest them if they did use physical discipline so there’s really not much to be said further. Britain is descending into chaos in all these little corners of life because the rot seeps into every crevice. The kid needs a firm hand. And parents need the freedom to use it.

You're reacting as if domestic abuse is the only way to label bad behaviour.
By definition, no it would not be domestic abuse. It would still be disgusting behaviour, same way it would be if someone beat up a stranger in the street or a friend or colleague. If an adult behaves that way they should be prosecuted and be no where near the victim again.
The difference between domestic abuse and violence from rage is important in this situation because it is a child and the victim can't just have them prosecuted and leave. Therefore, they need to know the difference because the approach to keep everyone safe is very different dependent on whether it is driven by wanting to have power over the victim or due to being unable to manage their emotions and control their own behaviour.

My sympathies.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Jesus. Does your husband no have empathy to see that you are physically much more vulnerable and less strong than he is?? And that you child will one day be an adult male capable of doing permanent damage to you??

Not sure what you've tried or not, OP, so sorry if this is old news, but have you tried a non-violent resistance parenting class?

I have a number of friends who have suffered violence at their children's hands. One has a safety plan with their other kids that when it all kicks off, they lock themselves in the nearest room until he wears himself out. Stuff gets wrecked, and it's horrifying, but their physical safety is the most immediate concern. Friend also learned restraint techniques, but he's too big now. Another friend had their young teen removed by the police and surrendered him to SS because son tried to kill them on multiple occasions. In both cases, ND kids.

This is not to frighten you, but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. It's an impossible situation, trying to manage your son's needs while protecting yourself and your family.

He's a disabled and struggling little boy. Your focus needs to be on preventing him getting so dysregulated in the first place. Keep a diary of his triggers and meltdowns so you can put strategies in place to avoid this happening. It's a nervous system response. He's not abusing you.

The OP has listed the various triggers. It’s basically everything and cannot be avoided.

I am an autistic adult a lot of what you've mentioned are actually triggers for me too. I'll try and explain them, although I don't know if it will be helpful.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.
When multiple people are singing or singing along to a song, the multiple noises overlapping are too overstimulating, it is too much for my brain to process at once. When people sing songs with no music, it is not the same as the original song, it is different. Especially if it is out of tune because I have a very keen ear for notes, and it is never the same twice when they sing, it is too different and because of the rigid way in which my brain works it is too unpredictable when people sing.
The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.
Not a personal trigger for me, but easy to see that a change in environment can be triggering.
Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.
Again, multiple noises overlapping, unpredictable.
Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.
Misophonia. If you don't experience misophonia you can't possibly understand the pain you feel when someone makes a noise you can't cope with. It is real, intense, neurological pain. In our house we use straws in drinks to reduce this.
The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.
Not one of my triggers but it sounds like rejection sensitive dysphoria. The perceived rejection or perceived criticism even if it is not aimed at him causing a fight or flight response. Not to mention shouting being a noise trigger.
Me being on the phone talking
Unpredictability. Phone calls disrupt the day, you never know when they're going to happen or what they're about. It creates emotional unsafety.
Dogs walking past him in the street
Unpredictability again, no 2 dogs behave the same.
Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys
RSD again and an inability to delay gratification. When you have ADHD your brain works in 2 times, now and not now. When things are not now, it feels like you're being eternally deprived.

Of course autistic children are capable of bad behaviour too but I just wanted to offer some reasoning behind his triggers.

I know it is area dependent but a lot of post diagnostic support covers this, usually offered by occupational therapy or community pediatrics depending on the region.

He's 8, he has no power to make the things causing him pain stop. His only option left is to fight. It sounds like his entire life is chaotic but to everybody else it's normal day to day life, and it must feel like pure torture to be him, and yet as the one with the disability, he will be expected to adapt and overcome which is just not possible for everybody with autism.

It might seem unfair to ask everybody not to sing or to use straws or to stand away from him when eating and drinking, but these are small accommodations that might make a world of difference to him.

Physical violence masquerading as discipline doesn't work, but it's particularly abhorrent against disabled children. Hitting neurodivergent children will do more harm than good.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I understand why it feels like abuse to you but I think it’s not helping you to frame it like that in your mind. If you can try to reframe it as your child who’s deeply distressed and communicating in the only way that he can in that moment, it might help you from a psychological perspective.

There’s loads of good advice on this thread - but please ignore the stuff about punishment and fear. That will just exacerbate things because as you know, a PDA child doesn’t respond well to anxiety and pressure.

There’s no reason you should be attacked for an hour by an 8 yr old. Definitely learn proper restraining techniques - they’re used on much larger children and adults effectively.

However getting ahead of the curve is the real solution here. A meds review is imperative. As a wise PP said, the side effects from some can induce rage. Also, is he getting overstimulated at school? Is he properly supported there? I’m not suggesting this as an option for you but during COVID my 10yr old was so much calmer and peaceful because he wasn’t using all his energy coping with school. What’s he like during school holidays - worse or better? Don’t include Christmas as that’s often a difficult time for ND kids.

Have you identified the triggers to his meltdowns?

I hate to say this, and I promise I’m not being critical, but it sounds as if you need a more hands-on approach to parenting between you and your DH. You were in the bathroom and his siblings started arguing so he had a meltdown and launched at you as you came out. Surely others arguing is a known trigger for him? Why did your DH leave him in that situation, knowing it would cause distress? I know it’s hard, and I promise I really do, but you need to be pre-empting things like this so they don’t escalate. And when I say “you” I mean you, your DH, and ideally your DM too if she’s at your house regularly.

Understanding what’s going on with him will help you both emotionally and practically. It sounds as if you have labelled him as abusive and don’t believe anything will help. You say he “already receives all the help he needs” at school - but you also say he melts down at school too. That suggests actually he’s NOT getting the right support. Or he’s in the wrong type of SEN school - not every SEN school suits every child.

In your shoes I wouldn’t make him feel as if he’s being punished. That will just make things worse in the long run. He needs security, love, consistency. Yes, that can be hard for you. It sucks. And I sympathise. But that unwavering love is important even when you don’t feel like giving it. He needs that more than he can tell you.

Can you imagine leading a life which is so terrifying and difficult that you melt down regularly into uncontrollable episodes? It would be awful. But that’s what your little boy is going through. If you can view it as this rather than him being deliberately abusive, it might help you reframe and refocus.

Go back to SS again. Tell the school you’re not coping. You need help to help him.

I was a SEN governor in a school. I am ND myself. I have 16 yr old SEN twins. DS is still in nappies at age 16 and he was regularly violent when he was younger. It was HARD. You have to parent much differently and you can’t take your eye off the ball - not ever. It’s utterly unrelenting. Understanding DS’ triggers, keeping on showing him that he was loved and secure, and identifying when he was struggling and likely to spiral were key for us.

Lots of people will say I’m wrong and I’m fine with that. I’m just telling you how we got through it and came out the other side.

Sending love and solidarity OP.

Splitting hairs about what people feel the terms mean is irrelevant.

CPV or Child to Parent Violence is the term that OP needs in order to seek out the right help and support with this. Whether or not domestic abuse is accurate, it's unlikely to lead to the correct support because the assumption with DA will be a romantic relationship or parent being violent towards a child.

It also may be worth contacting the PDA society as I feel the AuDHD profile has so many overlaps with PDA that this should also be considered.

I found the book "Big Baffling Behaviours" incredibly helpful too - it explains what's going on on a neurological level when children become violent and how to recognise the signs and what to do ideally before things become violent, day to day. It's helped me. The only thing I disagree with is that the book advocates for not addressing violence behaviourally, and in fact that was the only thing that made it actually stop (my child is not as extreme as described in the OP, but also ADHD and possibly autistic). By "addressing behaviourally" I mean using something very clear, systematic and unemotional like a points system - anything which tries to use fear/power to override the child or "show them who's boss" or "put them in their place" will not work because these are not rational choices that are being made, they are more like a desperate survival response. The systematic behavioural management doesn't actually "teach" anything in itself, it just makes it really clear which behaviours are OK vs which are totally unacceptable, and it gives everyone a sense of whether it's improving or not including the child. It helps them understand certain behaviours will attract consequences, which is a sort of lower-key version of what they risk in the "real world" later in life and it gives them an incentive to engage with attempts to help them learn the skills to manage their own moods and behaviour.

I used to subscribe to the theory that the behaviourist bit is not necessary if you are doing all the parts around it which actually create the change (support child's emotional regulation in other ways, teach skills, etc) but I don't think this is actually true for all children. Sometimes they simply haven't quite developed enough of the bit which says "Actually yeah I prefer the non violent way" so they get stuck in "But violence works" - I mean, it probably does, and if there are no consequences to the child, then the "cost" of the violence is only to the other person. Some children with developmental delays are genuinely not ready to understand that so it makes sense to add something which is an incentive/mild disincentive to them directly. It needs to be mild otherwise they will often get stuck in a loop about how they feel it is unfair, because their behaviour usually feels justified, and the ADHD part can also create unhelpful spiralling around punishments (so a vv mild consequence/a system that resets is also helpful in order to show them that it's not the end of the world to make mistakes, and they can handle it/do the right thing to put it right) but IME sometimes there does need to be something just to tip the balance so that they understand that choosing the non-violent way to communicate etc is the right choice. And USUALLY they will eventually also develop the bit that tells them no, I don't want to hurt someone I love, even if it gets them to do what I want. But TBH if they don't for whatever reason, then they will get to an age where the law replaces the parental consequences anyway so at least there is that.

@FedUpForChristmas i’m really sorry to read this. I have a very similar situation with my son and like you, Im also a previous DV victim which makes it definitely different, for me rather than feeling triggered and anxious, it usually makes me feel quite deflated, “here to go again” kind of thing. So I appreciate the space you're in. Also my DC at 5 years old was in aged 11/12 clothes and size 6 shoes, (mens size 6) and was both tall and chubby, so I understand that an 8 year old could be massive. Especially if like my DC he will not stop eating.

The reality is, for all the things you have in place, ehcp etc and the therapies, low demand parenting, medication, some ND children aren’t going to cope in a family home and unless your DC has medication such as rispiridone which is terrible on the body long term or has medication he can take like diazepam if he feels an incident brewing or will take during an incident, you are going to struggle with outbursts. And the medication isn't a cure, it’s just a mild bit of help.

My son thrives with his siblings, they annoy him but he attacks me, not them and I’d say he finds them a comfort more than a nuisance 90% of the time but if this wasn’t the case I would be contacting SS repeatedly for more help and having as much help from local autism charities as possible to see if they know any respite facilities suitable for my child. The violence parents face from their children, especially children with ND or those from traumatic childhood situations if a grossly underfunded section of social services that needs a massive overhaul because parents shouldn’t be being beaten relentlessly in their own homes 24/7 with absolutely no respite.

There isn’t much help out there and the help there is will be going to those who shout loudest and that is what you need to do, shout louder.