My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

I agree. It is not a sign that your parenting is inadequate, just that your child's needs are higher than can be met through typical family life.
If he is already in a SEND school he might be able to access short breaks activities etc

Is he under the ADHD nurse re meds? Might be worth talking to them?

Yes the worse thing a parent can do first off the bat mention respite or care

Thus situation first and foremost is a safeguarding one for the other siblings

Has two parents that can offer each other respite and does not require personal care and even if that were not the case it’s sooo rare to qualify
also need to be open to social care and the disabilities team

It is not rare to qualify. The bar for qualifying under the law isn’t any more than you would expect it to be. The problem is that local authorities don’t have the capacity or the funding to provide the support they are legally obliged to provide, so they gatekeep and create barriers. They act unlawfully on a regular basis.

Respite, support and education that meets disabled children’s needs is not a luxury or a nice to have. It is a legal right and it should be a national scandal that so many children are being failed by the councils that have a duty to provide appropriate support.

You might be surprised at how much damage an 8 year old can do when they're not holding back at all and are are giving no thought to their own safety let alone anyone else's while you, on the other hand, desperately don't want to harm your child.

Meltdowns have led to three trips to A&E for me, one call to 111 for me that didn't lead to A&E, one for DS which led to recommendation to take him to the minor injuries unit.

DH and I have both been left bruised and bleeding. DS would punch, slap, claw at us, headbutt, kick, bite, throw whatever he could get his hands on, jump off his bed on me, all while screaming and shouting abuse. He's kicked holes in his bedroom door and through the plasterboard in the hall, bitten himself, banged his head against the wall.

Restraining can only go so far and remain safe, even if you know what you're doing - which we didn't.

There are not enough respite carers for disabled children local to the address the child resides at as not enough people are willing to do it, and even less for a violent child. They also won’t accept older kids who abscond /go missing or are involved in exploitation /gangs /substance use
Most respite carers in my area offer care to other foster carers (they all know each other) while they attend funerals/family weddings/ events or go away on holidays/ mini breaks or are poorly.

For Anyone who feels frustrated by the system we are crying out for carers -respite or otherwise -so please please I beg you to look into it and consider if you have a spare room and a big heart . ❤️

For context one of my colleague in child protection removed 2 children from their family home early hours of this morning morning due to mums partner assaulting one of them
both kids SEN and very very challenging complex needs-exacerbated by their lived experience - so extended family didn’t want to know ( as per)
They are in an emergency placement together tonight 126 miles away and tomorrow will be separated as carer will not have two children in her care, only one. The other will end up equally far away -if not further I imagine if family members will not step up.

Trust your instincts and protect yourselves as best you can and call 999 eacj and everytime this will soon get services springing into action -especially if other kids in the address

Can I ask if anyone on here is considering , or knows anyone who might consider becoming a respite foster carer ?
you don’t have to commit to 7 days a week it can be on your terms. Weekends or overnights -even ad hoc depending on your other commitments
There is some financial renumeration-obviously it’s not salaried your motivation needs to be largely altruistic but there are payments to help with costs -sometimes quite substantial in emergencies

I wonder if after the hundreds of threads I have seen on here regarding the lack of respite and established how important this is and where the huge gaps are in the system, does anyone feel moved to sign up to at least looking into it and considering? Has anyone gone off and done this and are now caring for vulnerable kids in their homes and providing the much needed support families are crying out for?

If not, and the consensus is that respite should be provided despite a lack of caring people willing to do it for selfless and altruistic reasons, the alternative would be state (or private god help us ) run facilities where most likely unskilled workers on minimum wage ( just like in many children’s homes) would be caring for highly vulnerable, disabled kids for a weekend here and there to give the family a break -but not building relationships/high staff turnover /low motivation /zero investment / frequent restraint without love and child feeling safe / lack of understanding of trauma informed practice/ complex needs (2 day workshop won’t cut it )

If we want a society where children and families are supported we need to all play our part and be part of the solution in opening up our hearts -and homes - yes our homes - training up and being part of the solution so many of you are crying out for.

Things are a lot better now, he's not had a violent meltdown since the beginning of last year.

And the police wouldn't come out when this was happening regularly. Social services told us to call the police, on the third call we were told that we shouldn't be calling them, we should be able to manage DS and just need to do 'whatever it takes'. Social services did not agree with that last bit, but also wouldn't give us training on restraint. We were lent a folder on NVR, which we found we were mostly doing anyway, and was of no help if, despite our best efforts, things tipped over into a full blown meltdown.

Any 999 call in real time will require a response

You ignore being told not to call again when police attend (they are on their knees like all of us in front line) after dealing with the situation -not your problem- and you repeat again and again just like SS told you too x

OP it’s insanely hard to get respite (at least where I am in the Midlands). What helped us get it was that school pushed and pushed for it as they could see how hard things were at the time (my son was 12 we went through six months of hell where he was aggressive to the point that strangers in the street would try to call the police when they saw him attack me. He’s non verbal with profound autism and learning disabilities so couldn’t tell us but in his case we think a huge part of it was stomach pain due to chronic constipation which we are able to manage much better now under the care of a consultant and he is a different lad 1.5 years later! So these things can massively improve, don’t give up hope that he will be able to manage his feelings/his needs will change and life will be easier for him and you soon). Sorry, most of that was a digression but my point was, it sounds like school have seen this too and if you have an honest discussion with his teacher/senco/head etc and get them to push for the respite my impression is that it’s much more likely local authorities listen to schools than parents.
wishing you the best of luck x

The first time we called they came out over an hour later, everything was fine by then. Second time they said someone would be over, nobody ever turned up. Third time we were told not to call. So apart from the paperwork from the calls that was useful for helping us get an assessment more quickly it was of no practical help in the moment anyway.

I imagine things would be different now he's 12, rapidly heading towards 13, and is a lot bigger and stronger - I wouldn't have a hope in hell of restraining him on my own now.

To be fair, when a neighbour called because DS was screaming for his dad to stop because he was being restrained, the police came out quickly then (and fair play to the neighbour as well, they actually knocked on the door demanding to know what was going on, which despite how terrible the situation was, I was impressed by and approved of).

If nobody comes you call again and again stating the violence and the ongoing crisis and violence
if they come out and diffuse but say don’t call again you ignore and call again in crisis
each and every time x

By the time it was obvious they weren't coming out things had calmed down, so no point calling again at that point.

not, and the consensus is that respite should be provided despite a lack of caring people willing to do it for selfless and altruistic reasons, the alternative would be state (or private god help us ) run facilities where most likely unskilled workers on minimum wage ( just like in many children’s homes) would be caring for highly vulnerable, disabled kids for a weekend here and there to give the family a break -but not building relationships/high staff turnover /low motivation /zero investment / frequent restraint without love and child feeling safe / lack of understanding of trauma informed practice/ complex needs (2 day workshop won’t cut it )

You make respite homes sound like horrible places, but the ones I know of are lovely places where the children have a variety of activities on offer and wonderful staff to support them. The staff are quite capable of building good relationships despite being on a low wage and not having big homes to offer. There will be many cases where children are provided for better in a respite centre instead of a personal home because of the facilities on offer or because they need to be cared for by more than one or two people.

Encouraging people to consider becoming foster carers is admirable, but there’s no need to do it while being so critical of ‘state run facilities’.

Also the fact that as the adult you won't be 'fighting back'. You will be trying to use the minimum force possible to stop them and try to calm them down.

He's 8 ,hes not a violent man
Children can and do change.

You post this same rhetoric on a lot of threads where parents come to seek help with their neurodivergent children.

Give it a rest.

It also isn’t just boys. As I said earlier, our DD1 has been violent in the past. She isn’t now, though she does still throw things. So just because the OP’s DS is violent now at age 8, it doesn’t follow that he will be a violent man.

I was exactly the child that the OP is describing as her son too at 8 years old.

I can attest that I have grown up perfectly well adjusted, never been in prison, never been arrested, made it through school, made friends.

I have had public meltdowns, but I have grown up and developed coping strategies. I still require a lot of support from my family, that is just par for the course with a lifelong developmental disability.

My cousin used to purposefully scrape her fork on her teeth as she knew this was a huge trigger for me just so I would lash out and get into trouble. Ear defenders weren't really a thing back in the 90s, and headphones were those flimsy Walkman type headphones with a cable so never would have even been suggested.

People like Vivienne just want to demonise struggling autistic children, and offer absolutely no support whatsoever. She has stated in her own post she doesn't know what the answer is, but wants those of us with a deeper knowledge, who have spent our lives trying to understand our own behaviour or the behaviour of our children to stop "excusing" the behaviour. Stop using what we know to help them and support them. Absofuckinglutely no. She doesn't have skin in this game.

And so Vivienne, if you can't say something nice, or helpful, or practical, perhaps don't say anything at all.

She also doesn't like people getting disability benefits.

Let's hope she has the financial means to support herself or her family should she or they experience a life altering disabling event so she can put her money where her mouth is.

Op contact social services they have a amazing disability team their ask for a referral

Social services are devolved across local authorities and sadly just because one area might have an amazing CWD team doesn't mean all areas do.