I don’t want to parent this weekend

[selfpityingnonsense]

Or over Christmas

or in the new year

or ever

I am sick of the noise; the whinging, whining, screaming, fighting and demands. I’m sick of the house being a mess, I’m sick of nothing ever being good enough and giving my all 24/7 and getting absolutely nothing back in return.

and I know I’m being unreasonable and don’t really care. I just wish I could walk: no motivation at all just now.

One of the major issues I have with all the suggestions about how to deal with tantrums is when they are worked up like that they can’t even hear me. It’s shit.

DD will actually sit and colour (to a point) and watch TV, she’s calmer than her brother was but so so so whiny. It’s the whining and crying and constant looks as if you’ve just told her that her hamster has died I’m struggling so much with. But then ds is destructive and never shuts up.

I’m sorry @selfpityingnonsense it’s so tough. You aren’t a shit parent. If you don’t manage anything else today, try and remind yourself that everyone finds this hard. It isn’t a reflection on you.

OP you seem to be dodging questions about their father.

Unless he is dead, in prison, or abroad, he should also be involved, to maintain the relationship as well as give you a break but if that's not possible, obviously it's hard, as you've experienced as he's effectively done what you're dreaming about, to not have the responsibility any more.

Thank you. I hate it when they kick off in public; it makes me feel like such an ineffective and useless parent.

You're not alone
There's simply not enough support for families in western culture.

This article made that stand out to me

Being a mother in the west would be a dream, I thought. But compared with Uganda, it was a nightmare

Ate you a single parent or is Dad there to, you haven't said?

There are numerous questions being asked which may offer up a way through, but I get the feeling OP wants everything to carry on the same anyway. I get the feeling she’s not a single parent at all but probably trying to avoid the “you have a husband problem” cries.

There are weekends packed full of plans … but no one to help out / babysit etc?

It’s a really tough age. I remember regularly searching tiny cottages and fantasising about moving out and living on my own. DD used to melt down every time we left somewhere, she’d run away, cry, tantrum, I’d often end up with her under one arm, shoes in my other hand because she wouldn’t put them on. I remember a dear friend being completely shocked and saying ‘I just wouldn’t put up with it’ i didn’t know what else to do! She also became really negative, whatever we did she’d hone in on the one thing that didn’t meet her expectations. Took years to get her to shift the mindset of constant disappointment.

The days are so long and so dull, and the moments when everything is peaceful are so brief!

But I promise it gets better, as their language develops and they become more independent parenting becomes so much easier and more rewarding. Mine are now 18 and 15, the super early mornings and days of watching them constantly are a distant memory. Obviously they still have their moments, but it’s a completely different world now. Remember it’s all a phase.

Username checks out

OP, I feel you. It is relentless. Mine are older but both ND and the whining and tantrums and constant need for input and attention is exhausting. My DH is around but he works evenings and weekends so is generally off work when they are at school and I'm at work so he gets a break and I just don't. I work full time and the rest of the time is kid centered, there is no break from the monotony. And yes of course there are some good times but the drudgery of parenting difficult children in busy times is enough to make you want to run away.

I have no advice beyond hold on because it has to get better. And invest in loop earplugs. They are the only thing to save my sanity on loud days. Take any support you are offered. Take some annual leave from work to get on top of the house if it will help your mental health (I have had to do this before and resented having to use leave for this but it made me feel so much better).

Do they still have a ball pit at ikea.
I would throw dd in there and go for a coffee, was great.

There are weekends packed full of plans … but no one to help out / babysit etc

I mean this very genuinely but why does that surprise you? Unless you think I should insist school mums I am on good terms with but not close to should drop everything on the second weekend of December to babysit? I know that sounds antagonistic and I don’t intend it to, I genuinely don’t understand why you’re saying that in such a surprised tone.

@selfpityingnonsense

Hang in there! It does get better.

It’s very normal, for kids that age, and they seem to pick up on the Xmas vibe and get even more horrible.

Every stage has challenges but 2 year olds are generally stroppy. They don’t call it the terrible twos for nothing. 😳

These things pass.

Hey OP

this is going to sound ridiculous 😁

but when DD was 2 and doing that sort of shenanigans I used to pretend I was a nanny for someone else, and that they had cameras

I think that detaching thing really helps. Like you mention her hitting the floor and everyone gasping (it was just the noise of skull hitting any hard surface, people automatically do that gasp thing) and you took that as a reflection of you, rather than just some mad act that a toddler did that no one could have had any control over.

You’re not doing anything wrong. And admitting to not enjoying it doesn’t make you a bad person / bad mum. You’d have to be fucking insane to enjoy these bits.

Detach. Toddlers are like tiny drunks. Don’t try and get any sense out of them when they’re acting up. Do the love bomb thing. If they have destroyed 90% of something, praise the 10% they have left intact. Gloss over everything. Go full Mary Poppins under CCTV for a wealthy family. Try it. This is not forever.

And … I don’t WANT anyone to babysit.

I want to sit AT HOME ON MY OWN UNINTERRUPTED FOR DAYS AND DAYS.

Obviously that cannot happen. The only way for it to happen would be if family would be willing to take the kids and that’s not an option.

But it’s still what I WANT!

And logically I know it gets better. I’m just so drained from all the upset yesterday and then when the whine / bleat started at 530 I just thought oh … ffs. I just seem to have no tolerance for it just now.

What does a 2 and a 5 year old have to be grateful to you for? What are they supposed to be giving back? They’re tiny children that didn’t choose to be created and brought into the world. They owe their parents nothing at that age.

I hear you. You’re at the end of your resilience with no respite in sight.
this is a hard time of year and the kids will be tired too- which doesn’t help. I hope that over the weekend you get a bit of time to vent in real life, or to have a few moments of peace while you’re at the play dates or whatever your plans are.

be as nice to yourself as you can be, take easy options around TV and meals, pick your battles, but most of all be nice to yourself- our internal dialogue can be really hard to change but it can help if you’re able to make it gentler (as if you were speaking to a friend). I know it’s not easy.

Oh god same. I don’t want to sit in a travelodge and be restricted by their mealtimes and not have any of my things bar an overnight bag. I don’t want to be forced to watch their crappy TV and try to sleep through stag and hen parties coming in and out. It’ll take longer than 1 night for me to learn how to sleep as I haven’t slept solidly for 8 hours in about 6 years.

Always 1 isn’t there

Does their father have no contact with them? That must be very difficult.

You're more than likely shattered. I used to count the hours to nap or bed time on days like this. I would hype myself up that I can handle it and keep telling myself it would get better. Ear infections were the cause of most of the extreme behaviour and it took awhile to get back to a good place afterwards.

Water play kept mine occupied, basin of luke warm water with cups, teapot..anything that pours or floats. Aprons on, towel on the ground and supervise. Hope that's not patronising, just looking back to sanity savers.

Urgh. It’s just kids isn’t it? They are very high maintenance in my experience. Some people have calm children who can sit and focus on colouring or reading a book, many are of the high energy variety. I chose to have only 1 for this reason, so I could hang to my sanity and afford the childcare fees. There’s a reason birthdates are plummeting, many don’t fancy children as a lifestyle choice.

If you feel so low about it all call in sick to work, put the DC to School and Nursery as normal and take a few days to yourself.
Given how you feel at present a talk with the GP certainly wouldn’t go amiss.