Page 7 | Kissing a corpse (signs of decomposition)

HardyGreenMentor · 2025-12-12T23:12:40+00:00

OH’s parent sadly and unexpectedly passed away 5w ago. Due to needing an autopsy the chapel of rest could only be arranged now. OH devastated and struggling to process it, went to the chapel after being told by funeral directors that there is discolouration. OH said there was a veil over the coffin but they could see through dark patches on the face and fingernails turning black. Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse. OH said yes, on the hands. OH also said they want to go back to see their parent’s corpse on Monday despite the appearance. I am weirded out that OH kissed over a month old corpse (a week or so I think might be debatable). I am also disturbed that OH wants to go back on Monday. I am not OK with OH coming home today and kissing our toddler on the head and face, so I washed our toddler.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 13/12/2025 13:06

GreenGiant167 · 13/12/2025 12:42

Give over OP. What do you actually think is going to happen if your DH touches your child after he touches his parent?

Exactly - your child is not going to catch a case of the undeads

Mikart · 13/12/2025 13:42

Ds who died a year ago, couldn't be viewed for 4 weeks. I went to
see him but didn't touch him. It's an experience I will never do again as I found it traumatising. He had makeup on due to the length of time. Although he looked peaceful it didn't really look like him.
People do what they feel comfortable with

x2boys · 13/12/2025 15:25

nameobsessed · 13/12/2025 11:56

I know you’ve had plenty of criticism here but I’m so on your side.

Regardless if it was his parent or not he is still kissing a decomposing corpse and I would be quite disgusted. My family is Irish we have wakes and kiss the dead but not under those conditions ime.

I am sympathetic to him, as I’m sure you are, but if it was my DH (which it wouldn’t be, he can’t even look at a dead body bless him) I would be uncomfortable too.

It's not something I could do either

But I wouldn't find it disgusting if someone else did it we all greive I different ways.

Boomer55 · 13/12/2025 15:36

AliceMaforethought · 13/12/2025 10:44

I have to say I am glad I'm not married to any of you lot. I would never go near a corpse and luckily, neither would my husband. I refuse to be near the dead, the whole idea gives me the absolute ick and I feel it to be deeply morbid.

Perhaps you just haven’t walked the walk of someone like a much loved spouse or parent/child dying. 🙄

shhblackbag · 13/12/2025 16:08

Condensationon · 13/12/2025 10:14

This is a really distasteful thread.

it’s your partner’s parent. Let them grieve as they need to.

Agree. I actually don't understand why this thread was reinstated.

purpleme12 · 13/12/2025 16:13

shhblackbag · 13/12/2025 16:08

Agree. I actually don't understand why this thread was reinstated.

Show quote history

I was surprised

I find the thread quite disturbing and hard to understand why someone would post this/these things

AlteFrau · 13/12/2025 17:30

I had queried the tite of the thread - which seems to be alleging necrophilia - rather than someone wanting to say farewell/s to a parent who will soon be buried or cremated.

I think that those of us who choose to bear some kind of physical witness to the dead,do not do this lightly.

While some people may, quite understandably, experience fear and anxiety - and not want to do this kind of witnessing - I also think it's important to respect others who are immediately bereaved.

Using phrases like 'the ick' seems to be equating matters of life and death with, say, not liking somebody's socks or aftershave.

It's not showing care or consideration to those of us who are dealing with loss in the best way we can.

OhNoMyLovely · 13/12/2025 17:46

AlteFrau · 13/12/2025 17:30

I had queried the tite of the thread - which seems to be alleging necrophilia - rather than someone wanting to say farewell/s to a parent who will soon be buried or cremated.

I think that those of us who choose to bear some kind of physical witness to the dead,do not do this lightly.

While some people may, quite understandably, experience fear and anxiety - and not want to do this kind of witnessing - I also think it's important to respect others who are immediately bereaved.

Using phrases like 'the ick' seems to be equating matters of life and death with, say, not liking somebody's socks or aftershave.

It's not showing care or consideration to those of us who are dealing with loss in the best way we can.

Me too. I thought it was some horrible sexual practice.

Snooks1971 · 13/12/2025 18:21

Mikart · 13/12/2025 13:42

Ds who died a year ago, couldn't be viewed for 4 weeks. I went to
see him but didn't touch him. It's an experience I will never do again as I found it traumatising. He had makeup on due to the length of time. Although he looked peaceful it didn't really look like him.
People do what they feel comfortable with

Bless you, so sorry to read this x

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 10:45

StickWars · 13/12/2025 10:29

I kissed my deceased partner in the funeral home. No regrets at all.

I imagine he was decomposing. He wasn't found for a couple of days and then there was the time for investigations between. It had been quite a few weeks. He wasn't how you imagine though, OP, even though there were colour changes. Bodies are treated with respect; even later, they in no way look like the rotting image your words portray. They still look like the person you love, just dead. They are very clear on whether someone is ok to view, it if it's too late.

Thank you for sharing. I guess my imagination got the better of me. I’m sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

Katemax82 · 14/12/2025 10:50

My mil went to see her husbands corpse many times while he was in the chapel of rest ( in the middle of summer) and always kissed it. She's a huge germ phone so surely it's fine

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:11

Whatsthatsheila · 13/12/2025 10:21

@HardyGreenMentor are you in a country where the deceased are routinely kept cool, and embalmed or not?

decomposition would be really quite slowed down unless they had a long lie and I think in a severe case of this where decomposition was present the loved ones would be strongly advised from viewing.

I think perhaps knowing there was an autopsy - perhaps your DHs parent may have had a time postmortem laying possibly face down and with their hands low which could lead to discolouration that looks like bruising, which can be difficult to remove. Are you sure you aren’t confusing this natural discolouration with decomposition.

either way - if there was any risk of harmful pathogens from the body I can’t imagine the funeral home would allow an open casket viewing so perhaps you could be reassured by that and try to show some compassion and also perhaps be a little more aware of your language. It’s really disrespectful

I’m in the UK now, but originally come from a country where there are open coffin funerals only (unless they died horribly), so I’m used to seeing the deceased and it gives a much needed closure. Often relatives would kiss a week or so old body. Not a problem, even though I wouldn’t do it myself.
It baffles me that UK on the funeral day you wouldn’t see them as the coffin goes away for the last time. Maybe there’s a practical reason for your customs as the funerals can be held much much later.
My discomfort here is with the duration of the time, during which my imagination and my OH’s graphic description tell me all sorts of things have happened to the body, therefore making it (to me) unacceptable and unsanitary to kiss the body.
I really appreciate the insight you’ve given about the autopsy and it looks like I have indeed confused the discolouration with decomposition. Thank you for the reassurance.
As I have previously commented, I’ve not said these words to my OH, everyone just assumes the worst. I have been showing compassion and support to OH in this very difficult time but I’m battling with my own “inside thoughts” and thought this would be a safe place to get some context. Most people have thoughts that we don’t say to the people we know because we ourselves can be horrified how they even popped into our heads. It would be a lie to say this isn’t true. It’s part of the human condition to wonder about all sorts of things. In this case, I didn’t think this would be such a horrible thought to get clarity on from random internet strangers. Perhaps I was wrong.

Thank you though, your response was helpful.

OP posts:

Whatsthatsheila · 14/12/2025 11:14

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:11

I’m in the UK now, but originally come from a country where there are open coffin funerals only (unless they died horribly), so I’m used to seeing the deceased and it gives a much needed closure. Often relatives would kiss a week or so old body. Not a problem, even though I wouldn’t do it myself.
It baffles me that UK on the funeral day you wouldn’t see them as the coffin goes away for the last time. Maybe there’s a practical reason for your customs as the funerals can be held much much later.
My discomfort here is with the duration of the time, during which my imagination and my OH’s graphic description tell me all sorts of things have happened to the body, therefore making it (to me) unacceptable and unsanitary to kiss the body.
I really appreciate the insight you’ve given about the autopsy and it looks like I have indeed confused the discolouration with decomposition. Thank you for the reassurance.
As I have previously commented, I’ve not said these words to my OH, everyone just assumes the worst. I have been showing compassion and support to OH in this very difficult time but I’m battling with my own “inside thoughts” and thought this would be a safe place to get some context. Most people have thoughts that we don’t say to the people we know because we ourselves can be horrified how they even popped into our heads. It would be a lie to say this isn’t true. It’s part of the human condition to wonder about all sorts of things. In this case, I didn’t think this would be such a horrible thought to get clarity on from random internet strangers. Perhaps I was wrong.

Thank you though, your response was helpful.

Show quote history

You’re welcome.

honestly the funeral home wouldn’t allow him to touch the deceased if there was risk.

I know it must difficult with a degree of anxiety (I get germ phobic over things too) but I do think there is no risk to husband or baby from husband paying his respects

best wishes to you both

lucyloo25 · 14/12/2025 11:15

In shock you called his parent a 'corpse' omg.

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:18

grumpygrape · 13/12/2025 10:24

OP, I can understand your feelings. You may now have been assured regarding the 'cleanliness' but we are all allowed to have our own feelings

I was dragged along to the undertakers to see my dead mother when I was barely 13. I'm now 70 and the pictures of her (it didn't look like my mum) and him kissing her are burned into my brain and I can't unsee them no matter how much I want to.

I'm sure you will be supporting your husband and not show him your true feelings but don't let anyone here try to make you not feel them, they are your feelings.

Thank you for sharing and I’m truly sorry to hear about your experience. No child should be made to go through that. Sometimes it’s better to remember our loved ones how they were while alive and well.
Thank you again, I feel understood. ❤️

OP posts:

lucyloo25 · 14/12/2025 11:19

Op never ever calla loved one a corpse.

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:27

Gazelda · 13/12/2025 10:38

I can’t get over that you had a conversation with your DH about the discolouration of his mums body. Asked what body parts he kissed.

I hope that he’s unaware that you wished your child after he kissed them. And that your face didn’t show your obvious displeasure at his desire to visit again on Monday.

and I hope that my DH never, ever reacts in the way you have when someone I love passes. Fortunately, I’ve seen how he reacted when his darling mum died and I know that he was overwhelmed with grief and love and it would never cross his mind to feel the way that you do.

OH initiated and it was pretty one sided (them describing the sight) and I did my best to hide my reaction. My only question was IF they kissed the body, not where, how long for etc. None of that. The commenters’ imaginations, including yours, have gone wild as to what has happened. Thank you for the input still.

OP posts:

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:35

ThreeSixtyTwo · 13/12/2025 10:51

This thread is bonkers.

This isn't a debate with your OH where you would chose your words with respect to your partner. This is processing your inner thoughts on online anonymous forum - so you can be supportive to your OH.
It is a corpse in your eyes, it is objectively a corpse and it's ok to name it like that here.

The thought of kissing someone so long deceased sounds wrong to me. However, funeral home people don't see it as unacceptable risky, and it is just the other side of the generally ok spectrum.

However, your position is on the generally ok spectrum as well. Now, it is done, but if it should happen again, I would ask your OH to not kiss your child's face (or yours) for a day or so, but accept top of the head.

As for going to see the deceased once again, it doesn't matter it is just a corpse to you, it's a way of processing grief for your OH, it's ok.

Thank you, spot on! I feel heard not demonised. It’s a rare ability to see both sides, @ThreeSixtyTwo
Thank you ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:41

Rainbow1235 · 13/12/2025 11:12

My mother passed away july24 and then my dad 10 months later . I was led in the bed with my dad cwtching him as he passed and same with mam . Went to see mam twice at funeral home 3 weeks later no embalming and I held her hand placed photos and a letter in coffin and kissed her . It’s natural and my husband was a huge support . Unfortunately after undertakers took my father that was the last time I seen him as he wanted pure cremation but otherwise I would’ve gone to see him too . Put your arms around your husband and support him through this sad time .

😢❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:47

Owly11 · 13/12/2025 11:20

I would also be weirded out. No way i would want to kiss him after that so not sure why your toddler should suffer either. Can you subtly keep your toddler out of kissing reach until oh has showered/cleaned teeth etc. This is how infection used to be passed to birthing mothers when doctors went straight from the morgue to then delivering babies and Semmelheis was imprisoned for daring to suggest such a thing. I know it's not exactly the same thing but we have a disgust response for a very good reason.

How random! The story about the birthing mothers and subsequently needlessly dying babies was what popped into my mind first thing and could be one of the reasons of my (some say) totally heartless reaction.

OP posts:

ScorchingEgg · 14/12/2025 11:50

Hi OP,

My specialism is death (yes really) so hopefully I can provide you with some facts that may help.

Firstly, your reaction isn’t unusual or wrong. Two things are at play here. The first is that we have a society where we mostly hide death, unlike our ancestors. So we aren’t familiar with how death occurs, or how the decaying process plays out. For most of us in the west, when we encounter death it’s quite shocking and we don’t know how to react. We are no longer taught this. The second, is that we are animals, and it’s instinctive (biologically) to be concerned about the dead in the same way we are rotting meat. It’s built into us. These two things will automatically give rise in some people to the feelings you experienced. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

In the U.K. we are less likely to embalm, and more likely to keep at very low temps, which will slow the decaying process. And yes this can be a month or more (autopsy processes can be slow, and this time of year there are more deaths). That’s not to say the body hasn’t been embalmed but it’s much less likely. It’s not the standard here. However, you have nothing to fear from a decaying corpse in terms of contamination, unless the body already had something communicable while alive (and some of those diseases would cease upon death). The chance of there being an issue from touching or kissing a corpse is extremely low. We do have laws in place around burial/disposal generally, mostly because if there are many corpses lying around, any diseases that did exist could get into the water way. For an individual corpse in a funeral home, kept in sanitary conditions, you have no worries.

I’m sorry you received some of the mean comments you did. People deal with death differently, and you came here looking for factual reassurance. You didn’t do anything wrong.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/12/2025 11:54

If my partner acted/thought like you after my mum passed (15 years ago, i was only 20) It would have been relationship over.
Losing a parent, someone who made you, and raised you, is an exceptional kind of painful. My mums service was 12 days after her passing, yes she had started to discolour a little, but she was still my mum. I did not see her as "a corpse". The curtains at her service closing around her coffin is a traumatic memory, as i knew i was never going to see her again, and i wanted to rip them back open.
My dad visited her every day in the funeral home, and he is a big believer of there being no afterlife, that once you die you don't exist anymore, but he still stayed with her every day.

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 11:54

MyThreeWords · 13/12/2025 11:33

I'm pretty shocked by the lack of empathy in the OP's attitude. The concern about germs is fair enough up to a point, but, as she has said, this is only 'one part' of her dislike for her partner's actions in viewing his deceased parent. (And if it was the major part of her concern, I expect it could be easily resolved by googling the facts, rather than by testing out other people's reactions on MN)

I don't believe that the choice of terminology ('corpse') or the choice to describe alterations in the body are neutral. I believe that it is a framing selected in order to position her partner's preference as somehow freakish and incomprehensible. It feels like a deliberate suspension of the normal understanding of bereavement.

Also, I can tell you from my own experience that there can be a very intense and primal need to experience the concrete reality of a death - the decomposition, blackening, odour, coldness, hardness, horror - as a means to try to begin to apprehend what has happened, or to try to overcome the numb abstracted confusion that can beset us in bereavement. A kiss has this meaning, as well as being a last desperate attempt to encounter the lost person as they were in life.

I can't think of other occasions when I have been quite so upset by a post on MN as I have been here.

“Also, I can tell you from my own experience that there can be a very intense and primal need to experience the concrete reality of a death - the decomposition, blackening, odour, coldness, hardness, horror - as a means to try to begin to apprehend what has happened, or to try to overcome the numb abstracted confusion that can beset us in bereavement. A kiss has this meaning, as well as being a last desperate attempt to encounter the lost person as they were in life.”
I find this part insightful and different from the rest of the comments here. It might be what my OH is experiencing. Thank you for sharing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HardyGreenMentor · 14/12/2025 12:30

ScorchingEgg · 14/12/2025 11:50

Hi OP,

My specialism is death (yes really) so hopefully I can provide you with some facts that may help.

Firstly, your reaction isn’t unusual or wrong. Two things are at play here. The first is that we have a society where we mostly hide death, unlike our ancestors. So we aren’t familiar with how death occurs, or how the decaying process plays out. For most of us in the west, when we encounter death it’s quite shocking and we don’t know how to react. We are no longer taught this. The second, is that we are animals, and it’s instinctive (biologically) to be concerned about the dead in the same way we are rotting meat. It’s built into us. These two things will automatically give rise in some people to the feelings you experienced. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

In the U.K. we are less likely to embalm, and more likely to keep at very low temps, which will slow the decaying process. And yes this can be a month or more (autopsy processes can be slow, and this time of year there are more deaths). That’s not to say the body hasn’t been embalmed but it’s much less likely. It’s not the standard here. However, you have nothing to fear from a decaying corpse in terms of contamination, unless the body already had something communicable while alive (and some of those diseases would cease upon death). The chance of there being an issue from touching or kissing a corpse is extremely low. We do have laws in place around burial/disposal generally, mostly because if there are many corpses lying around, any diseases that did exist could get into the water way. For an individual corpse in a funeral home, kept in sanitary conditions, you have no worries.

I’m sorry you received some of the mean comments you did. People deal with death differently, and you came here looking for factual reassurance. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Thank you so much! Yes, I felt disgusted by the idea (through my lack of understanding the natural processes and undertakers’ procedures) and I did feel guilty about feeling disgusted. Both disgust and guilt kept switching in my mind, I guess it’s a process. Thank you for sharing your specialist knowledge, it helps me be more at ease and better support my OH without my personal worries getting in the way.
I feel understood. Thank you.

OP posts:

lucyloo25 · 16/12/2025 21:37

extreme lack of empathy by the OP, shocking actually.