Kissing a corpse (signs of decomposition)

[HardyGreenMentor]

OH’s parent sadly and unexpectedly passed away 5w ago. Due to needing an autopsy the chapel of rest could only be arranged now. OH devastated and struggling to process it, went to the chapel after being told by funeral directors that there is discolouration. OH said there was a veil over the coffin but they could see through dark patches on the face and fingernails turning black. Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse. OH said yes, on the hands. OH also said they want to go back to see their parent’s corpse on Monday despite the appearance.
I am weirded out that OH kissed over a month old corpse (a week or so I think might be debatable). I am also disturbed that OH wants to go back on Monday. I am not OK with OH coming home today and kissing our toddler on the head and face, so I washed our toddler.

I'd advise some therapy might be in order for your germophobia. It's not a good trait to have when you have kids.

This thread is bonkers.

This isn't a debate with your OH where you would chose your words with respect to your partner. This is processing your inner thoughts on online anonymous forum - so you can be supportive to your OH.
It is a corpse in your eyes, it is objectively a corpse and it's ok to name it like that here.

The thought of kissing someone so long deceased sounds wrong to me. However, funeral home people don't see it as unacceptable risky, and it is just the other side of the generally ok spectrum.

However, your position is on the generally ok spectrum as well. Now, it is done, but if it should happen again, I would ask your OH to not kiss your child's face (or yours) for a day or so, but accept top of the head.

As for going to see the deceased once again, it doesn't matter it is just a corpse to you, it's a way of processing grief for your OH, it's ok.

It’s not a “decomposing corpse” it’s your partner’s recently passed away parent. They can go and visit them as many times as they want to, before they are buried / cremated. It’s the last chance they will get to ‘see’ them.
Have some feeling, won’t you.

I'm in Northern Ireland death here in Ireland always seems more matter of fact (we thought that episode of Derry Girls) with the body was hilarious). I attended funerals and was in the rooms with bodies from a child as was my son.

My dad died when I'm was a young teen, totally expected. He was brought home and there for four days. He was in the bedroom and mum and I slept in the next room. Didn't worry me in the slightest. I spent a bit of time with him and reassured those last moments together in our home.

I can understand the op being weirded out by this, I saw my mum when she died I was with her and at the chapel of rest a week later, when I saw her I was shocked and had to leave but went back in and touched her hand it was cold and waxy, it might seem strange to others but for me it was a good way to process that the body was that of my mum but she had gone so when we had her funeral I wasn’t afraid of her body being cremated because I knew it wasn’t really her, the vibrant lovely woman who was my mum. To say goodbye to someone you love is really very difficult and we all grieve and process differently. This is how your oh has chosen to deal with it and so now you get to be the person who allows him his grief and supports him through the process. If you don’t he won’t forget it.

I saw my friend approx 4 weeks after she passed, she was covered from the chest down and I could see some bruising from the autopsy but her face wasn't covered ans she had visibly changed but I kissed her forehead to say goodbye. She was so cold but I wanted to say goodbye so dont think its odd.

Calling your dps recently deceased parent a corpse is so cold.I sincerely hope you are not saying this to dp Horrible.

Are you in the UK?
We use postmortum not autopsy (which is American.)

Also' corpse' is rather brutal. It's a human being who was loved until recently.
Maybe mum or Dad would be better.

As long as you're not having to kiss them why are you worried?

You might want to get your subject title changed- ask MNHQ.
It doesn't make it clear it's about a family member.

Do your research then and try growing a heart while you’re at it.

i t hink you need to change the wording op

I found visiting a loved one in the funeral home helped the grieving process especially when it was a sudden death. I know the rituals around death in our culture aren’t really done anymore like wearing black after someone has died or keeping watch over the dead body at home the night before the funeral. Both things my mum did when her mother died back in 60s London.

I can’t help but think these rituals helped in someway at least to normalise death and let others know we are dealing with grief. I think we are expected to be over it way too quickly and what was very normal behaviour like seeing and looking after loved ones when they have died is frightening or weird to some people now instead of what it is a perfectly natural reaction.

I kind of get what you mean and it's clear you were using this terminology on the thread and not to your husband. I felt a bit weirded out by kissing my Mum on the cheek and worried about germs etc because it was so alien to me, having never waited as long to see someone before (due to an autopsy being required). And maybe also because it was in the hospital morgue and not the funeral home mortuary, so was a more clinical setting. Though weirdly enough, she felt more like Mum there before the weird make up they put on at the funeral home. Anyway, I digress.

There will be a very limited chance of germs being passed on as the body will have been washed beforehand, though obviously I'm not a scientist to completely verify this. Embalming will delay decomposition few upto several weeks and refrigeration enhances this to several months.

Have you lost either of your parents? Until you do, let your husband deal with his grief how he needs to.

I’m glad my husband supported me when I went to see my Dad’s decomposing corpse in the chapel of rest three times.

Agreed. It’s not sitting well with me either.

To be honest OP, you sound like a psychopath. How can you not understand the desire to see his parent one last time? Have you ever lost someone close to you?

I totally get the "weirded out" bit with a 5 week old corpse OP. I've been bereaved of close relatives, including my DH. But I didn't want to see the corpse let alone kiss it. However, your worry about germs really is unfounded please rest assured.

My Dad died suddenly four days before Christmas.

He also had to have a post mortem, which due to the Xmas shutdown was a long wait.

We finally got his body back in January. Then there was a long wait for a funeral slot because if the xmas backlog. You bet your life I visited him often, and kissed his forehead. He was all that I had left.

If you are able to instantly be like "well it's just a body, not the person" then well done you...but your lack of empathy or understanding is astonishing. Your poor partner....

My mother passed away july24 and then my dad 10 months later . I was led in the bed with my dad cwtching him as he passed and same with mam . Went to see mam twice at funeral home 3 weeks later no embalming and I held her hand placed photos and a letter in coffin and kissed her . It’s natural and my husband was a huge support . Unfortunately after undertakers took my father that was the last time I seen him as he wanted pure cremation but otherwise I would’ve gone to see him too . Put your arms around your husband and support him through this sad time .

Some of the posts here are quite unkind.
I have no idea whether the OP has OCD (I do) or OCD traits, but an aversion to deceased bodies is completely normal and something that most of us have likely evolved to have.
The OP isn't being spiteful, sure they might be having trouble seeing things from their partner's perspective, but they are coming from a place of worry for their child's safety.
I hope some of the perspectives from professionals on the thread have reassured you, OP.

I think your post does sound a bit cold OP but it sounds like you might also have some trauma unsurfacing from the bereavement you described. I’ve visited a few relatives in the chapel of rest and found it oddly comforting in processing the person was gone. I wouldn’t think it odd at all to go back to see a parent.

No Irish in our family at all, totally English.

But we also bring bodies home the night before the funeral and have open casket on the morning for any visitors. We have always done it...even since I was little I remember.

Everyone always asks if we are Irish!

We also bring the flowers home, lay them out on the garden lawn and watch them fade over the following weeks. I take great comfort in that. (and anyway, the crematorium bins them as soon as you've left the gate anyway; what a waste)

Different people feel differently about things. I wouldn't let OP's terminology bother me. I don't see a dead body as the same thing as the person who inhabited it. I learned that very quickly when my mother died unexpectedly, and I wanted to view the body to make sure there hadn't been some terrible blunder. It was her body, but otherwise no more significant to me than hair or nail clippings. She was no longer there.
I visited the funeral home with her sister, who clearly felt a more emotional connection, and kissed and embraced the body.
But OP, you have to be led by the person who is grieving here, trust the procedures in the funeral home, and hide your illogical misgivings.

It is not uncommon to kiss hands of the passed. I did, I didnt even consider it.