Kissing a corpse (signs of decomposition)

[HardyGreenMentor]

OH’s parent sadly and unexpectedly passed away 5w ago. Due to needing an autopsy the chapel of rest could only be arranged now. OH devastated and struggling to process it, went to the chapel after being told by funeral directors that there is discolouration. OH said there was a veil over the coffin but they could see through dark patches on the face and fingernails turning black. Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse. OH said yes, on the hands. OH also said they want to go back to see their parent’s corpse on Monday despite the appearance.
I am weirded out that OH kissed over a month old corpse (a week or so I think might be debatable). I am also disturbed that OH wants to go back on Monday. I am not OK with OH coming home today and kissing our toddler on the head and face, so I washed our toddler.

The doctors and medical students in Semmelweis’ observations had been performing autopsies in the morgue, then delivering babies without washing their hands. The bodies would not yet have been embalmed.

This is considerably more dramatic than anything in the OP’s situation and isn’t relevant here.

OP, are you able to support your OH at all in this? That is surely the most important thing, and it isn’t coming through.

FWIW, your fears for DC are not well founded.

That’s really unfair. She’s not making it about herself at all ffs.

Yes! This is what I was thinking, people are criticising her as if it’s completely normal to kiss decomposing bodies.

I don’t find that normal for England at all, even with recently dead relatives. I’ve been to funeral home visits and the most interaction was touching a hand or fixing their hair. DH and his family chose not to visit the body of a close loved, they are remembered as they were alive.

I'm Irish and open casket wakes and removals are very much a thing. If your DH has any Irish or other non-British background it may be more normal for him. I remember attending the open casket wake of a 10 year old boy when I wasn't much older myself. And yes relatives would touch the corpse. Apparently there's an argument that its actually a better way to grieve for most people.

But I can understand how a Brit would struggle.

“Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse”

You are the weird one in the scenario OP. Your partner is grieving and saying goodbye their parent. Instead of showing support you are turning it into something weird and ghoulish. Stop it, show support.

Who is it about then? Certainly not the OH.

She totally is. No ones expecting her to do any viewing or touching are they? And it's not her parent who's died.

When my MIL died 5 years ago she was and has always been 'Kathy'. When I sat with her for a full hour after she had passed away she was Kathy, when she laid in the funeral home she was Kathy and I still see her as Kathy even though her body is resting 6 foot under. Never, have I ever thought of her as a disease riddled corpse.

What a strange way of referring to your partner's parent, regardless of the kind of relationship you had with her, which I suspect wasn't great.

I can’t believe you even asked him if he kissed her! Why do you need to know? That’s a strange thing to ask OP. I presume from your lack of empathy you haven’t lost anyone close.

I was with both my mum and dad when they died. My dad just looked like he was sleeping. He had been agitated in the hours leading up and it was good he was at peace. We were advised by the undertaker not to view presumably because his appearance had deteriorated even though it had only been a few days. He had necrotising faciitis. My mum had been undecided anyway after poor memories of her dead grandfather (as a child) back in the days when you had the dead person in the house for a week!

When my mum died she also looked like she was asleep until the care home staff ‘laid her out’ to await the funeral staff. Then she looked very dead. I didn’t feel any need to see her again and knew she wouldn’t have minded me not going.

I think if someone isn’t there when their loved one dies they are more likely to want to view them and the longer the time before the funeral the more likely people are to go back. There was only 6 days between my dads death and the funeral and 10 days with my mum. These days in our area you can be looking at 3 weeks if no postmortem and 6 weeks + when one is required.

People grieve differently and thats ok.

Just as an aside, I am surprised how many people mentioned embalming. I thought that was something that was only done where there was to be an open casket and it was an ‘extra’ service and not the norm. I thought that that at the funeral home they just kept you in the fridge!

Yes. I had no desire to see their corpse, let alone kiss it.

That corpse you speak of is their beloved parent. How rude and cold. Also nothing wrong with kissing them , you think you're going get germs? Its their grief and so what if they want visit again, its their parent and the last goodbye. You have no idea of the pain your oh is going through right now , he needs supporting and a lot of love. Be kind.

And do you believe everyone should feel as you do about everything in general, or only on the subject of grief and death?

The OP feels the same way I do. It's the people on the thread who are telling her she's wrong.

Oh, enough with 'be kind'. The most overused and trite phrase ever, usually directed at a woman who has some boundaries.

This is an interesting thread for me as in a few days I shall go and see my mother's body.

I was with my father when he died so the issue of whether to see him later didn't arise.

Because of the post- mortem, by the time I see my mother over 3 weeks will have passed since her death. I know that in addition to any bruising as a result of the post-mortem, she also had facial injuries as she fell shortly before she died - though the undertakers will probably have put some make up on her.

I am very clear that I need to go and see her because I need to fully understand that she is dead. I don't want to just see a closed box prior to her cremation - because part of me will just indulge in magical thinking. (Perhaps there was some mix up? Perhaps my mother is alive somewhere?)

Because her death was sudden I also didn't see her in the weeks immediately beforehand. There was no farewell visit and our last conversation was very brief and routine.

Neither of my brothers wish to see my mother at the undertakers. But I am happy to say that they support me in my planned visit. I also suspect that if I'm able to say things like, 'She looked peaceful, 'or 'Somehow though it looked like her, it also didn't - so now I understand that she isn't with us any more' that will be helpful to them.

Out of the three of us, I was also the one who felt it was important that the undertakers dressed her in the clothes that she liked to wear in her daily life - a blouse, cardigan and skirt.

I think most cultures want to respect and honour the dead. My background is German Jewish and one of the features of that culture is that the Jewish dead were not respected. They were referred to in dehumanising language. They were 'Figuren' (figures) not people.

In general, I'd say that if you love somebody, you try to give them space to do what is right for them - even if it is not what you would do yourself.

@AliceMaforethought and what boundary is the OP asserting here exactly?

@AliceMaforethought I don’t think people are telling the OP that she’s wrong not to want to see and touch a dead body - that’s a personal preference. What people ARE saying is that she is behaving terribly towards her husband who is grieving for his mother and showing no empathy or understanding whatsoever for how he is feeling, and the over reaction about hygiene when her husband has touched his deceased mother is ridiculous.

Give over OP. What do you actually think is going to happen if your DH touches your child after he touches his parent?

Yabvu to keep calling your husbands parent a corpse ffs , sort yourself out and support him

I visited my DF in the chapel of rest a couple of days before the funeral and it had been 5 weeks since he died, in October. He had deteriorated significantly compared to my late DM when I saw her, but I kissed his head several times and his hands. Sort of felt the natural thing to do. He was, of course, cold and had been embalmed and I’m pretty sure it was all sanitary. TBH I wasn’t bothered if he wasn’t, it was something I needed to do. So I think it’s a personal choice to do it or not. It was the last time I was going to touch him.

The funeral arranger knocked on the door of the chapel where DF lay before we entered, that was sweet and a bit of a surprise… a display of respect I guess.

Fun fact - clear body bags have been used to allow cultural funeral practices where disease transmission in outbreaks has been an issue. Or at least as close to the traditional practices as a body bag allows.

Different cultures have different practices when it comes to death and in particular the body. These are usually affected by the environment where the culture arose but do adapt to new environs (and technology).

Some cultures restrict interaction with death and the deceased others it’s heavily integrated (bodies in the home, practices over longer periods of time).

OP you don’t need to go see the body yourself, but you should make an effort of supporting your OH while he does. And not worry about him kissing or holding a hand. The body is being well cared for, and it is simply not going to be a disease risk. This is simply a cultural ick for you. Like eating ham or wearing shoes in the house.

Lucky for you and your relatives, there are people out there that are willing to take amazing care of any deceased family members you have.

Yours and OP's use of language is vile on this thread. There will be people reading this that have recently lost family, children included.
I think some thoughts really should stay in your head, and this thread is a prime example.

Sorry to anyone going through bereavement who is reading this.

This is his parent. Their body will be being held in a refrigerated container. It will not be ‘decomposing’ as such.
youre being dramatic!

Your husband should grieve how he wants to but I'm unsure I would kiss a decomposing corpse. I was 20 when my lovely Dad had a major heart attack and fell to the floor at my feet. Tried and tried CPR but to no avail and paramedics stopped me trying when they came. Worse thing was telling my Mum who was at work. I held Dad for as long as they'd let me and I did kiss him Goodbye but don't think I could kiss him 5 weeks after death.

As Arrangers, we always knock on the door of a chapel of rest. The loved one inside is a person and is afforded every respect, same as the living.

We refer to them as Mr/Mrs <surname> or The Late <surname> when discussing their care with other staff as well as when addressing them directly and address them as Mum/Dad etc to our families who come to visit.

Our deceased are checked multiple times a day by multiple staff from the moment they enter our care to when their coffin is sealed. We look for signs of deteroration so we can advise the family if needed. As an Arranger, before they are visited, I will check their loved one is resting comfortably, that their clothes are correct and I always tell the deceased how wonderful they look and what I am doing if I need to move their hands or adjust their position.

The idea that someone can describe the deceased who have been so professionally and carefully cared for as a 'corpse' and imply they are dirty and germy is actually offensive. I really feel for the OPs DH.

I'll stop banging on now but OP needs to have a serious look in the mirror and do some research before making any more comments or disinfecting her toddler.