Kissing a corpse (signs of decomposition)

[HardyGreenMentor]

OH’s parent sadly and unexpectedly passed away 5w ago. Due to needing an autopsy the chapel of rest could only be arranged now. OH devastated and struggling to process it, went to the chapel after being told by funeral directors that there is discolouration. OH said there was a veil over the coffin but they could see through dark patches on the face and fingernails turning black. Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse. OH said yes, on the hands. OH also said they want to go back to see their parent’s corpse on Monday despite the appearance.
I am weirded out that OH kissed over a month old corpse (a week or so I think might be debatable). I am also disturbed that OH wants to go back on Monday. I am not OK with OH coming home today and kissing our toddler on the head and face, so I washed our toddler.

I went every day to the funeral home and sat beside her coffin and talked to her. I kept my hand on the brass plate with her name on it.

it helped me feel closer to her.

this is one of the worst threads I have ever seen on here and that’s saying something.

Thank you for the insight and reassurance, much appreciated.

Everybody deals with their grief differently
My mum died at the beginning of this year I sat with her body for about ten minutes after she died ,as did my dad and sister
But none of us went to the chapel of rest as we wanted to remember how she was
But im not going to judge anyone who does if it helps them.

This all day, every day. What is wrong with you OP- why can’t you understand this??

Well, I’m sure it’s safe, and grief is processed in different ways, so give him a break.

Having said that, I kissed my DH at the time he died, and I didn’t kiss him again.

He was gone, and I just sat with him in the chapel of rest.

I too was a funeral arranger. The body won't be rotting in the sense food does, it will be discolouration like a bruise. The deceased are put straight back into the cold storage as soon as the viewing has ended, so chances are nothing much will have changed by Monday. If it has, the funeral director may well advise that the visit is conducted with a closed coffin. Your DH is not weird for having loved his parents so much, or wanting to express his love is such a small way, regardless of the fact they've died. Try to have a bit of empathy and stop being ridiculous about your toddler.

@HardyGreenMentor are you in a country where the deceased are routinely kept cool, and embalmed or not?

decomposition would be really quite slowed down unless they had a long lie and I think in a severe case of this where decomposition was present the loved ones would be strongly advised from viewing.

I think perhaps knowing there was an autopsy - perhaps your DHs parent may have had a time postmortem laying possibly face down and with their hands low which could lead to discolouration that looks like bruising, which can be difficult to remove. Are you sure you aren’t confusing this natural discolouration with decomposition.

either way - if there was any risk of harmful pathogens from the body I can’t imagine the funeral home would allow an open casket viewing so perhaps you could be reassured by that and try to show some compassion and also perhaps be a little more aware of your language. It’s really disrespectful

FFS, what is wrong with you?

Op, it's quite normal to fear what you don't know. For most people their experience of dead bodies comes from TV and film, often horror films, which make money out of exploiting that fear.

If you lived in a society where people live and die more often in a family or community, rather than in hospital out of sight, then death tends to be less frightening.

Dead does not mean covered in germs, unless the person has died of a rare infection illness. The body will have been washed and cared for. Some blackening of the nails means that blood was not circulating to the extremities but the way the body is kept means that it will be fresh for many weeks, honestly. It was 5 weeks before I was able to see either of my parents and they looked peaceful, and entirely intact - much more so than in the final days of their illness.

Of course embalming wouldn't keep them fresh forever. But it works.

OP, I’m not saying you’re an idiot, but this is an idiotic post. Would you cop on.

Well we don't all feel like that. Spending time with my father after he died was very important for me and my siblings. I kissed him.

OP, I can understand your feelings. You may now have been assured regarding the 'cleanliness' but we are all allowed to have our own feelings

I was dragged along to the undertakers to see my dead mother when I was barely 13. I'm now 70 and the pictures of her (it didn't look like my mum) and him kissing her are burned into my brain and I can't unsee them no matter how much I want to.

I'm sure you will be supporting your husband and not show him your true feelings but don't let anyone here try to make you not feel them, they are your feelings.

Not so lucky. I lost someone very close to me a few years ago and it messed me up to a point where I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. The funeral was arranged quickly, within a week, but I still wouldn’t kiss a corpse. I see that everyone grieves differently and is/isn’t comfortable with different things.

I love the “some thoughts should stay inside thoughts”. 👌 There is a thing called the “Fess Hole” made just for inside thoughts. It’s quite revealing to read, if interested.

Thank you for your response.

Of course in Ireland, many people bring the body home, have it in the living room, people visit, eat and drink, maybe sing, certainly laugh, comment on how well the body looks, just like himself! This is in the days after death but still.

I'm sorry to hear that. You are right. Everyone should grieve in their own way and there should be no obligation to view the body, if someone doesn't want to.

Sending best wishes to you all at this time.

I kissed my deceased partner in the funeral home. No regrets at all.

I imagine he was decomposing. He wasn't found for a couple of days and then there was the time for investigations between. It had been quite a few weeks. He wasn't how you imagine though, OP, even though there were colour changes. Bodies are treated with respect; even later, they in no way look like the rotting image your words portray. They still look like the person you love, just dead. They are very clear on whether someone is ok to view, it if it's too late.

You sound fairly clueless. An autopsy (post-mortem usually in UK) will have involved keeping the body clean as will the care by the funeral home. There's not some rampant corpse germ going to infest your DC from any of this and you're better off focusing your energies on supporting your partner than dwelling on the macabre shallows of your imagination.

I can’t get over that you had a conversation with your DH about the discolouration of his mums body. Asked what body parts he kissed.

I hope that he’s unaware that you wished your child after he kissed them. And that your face didn’t show your obvious displeasure at his desire to visit again on Monday.

and I hope that my DH never, ever reacts in the way you have when someone I love passes. Fortunately, I’ve seen how he reacted when his darling mum died and I know that he was overwhelmed with grief and love and it would never cross his mind to feel the way that you do.

OP, please relax! The body will have been kept cold during the necessary period of waiting - it will certainly present absolutely no danger to your little one.

My own DM had to be kept in ‘cold storage’ for at least 3 weeks, since she died (at 97, advanced dementia) very shortly before the entire family was going to be away for a family wedding abroad, and it was impossible to arrange a funeral before we left.

TBH I was just glad she didn’t die while we were all away - at least I was able to be with her, not that she showed any sign of being aware that I was there. 🙁

Judging someone over how they grieve, especially someone you are supposed to love is disgusting.

I didn’t want to see either of my deceased parents but if my partner wanted to, I would support him 100%. I don’t think you need to discuss what he’s doing/seeing there.

I have to say I am glad I'm not married to any of you lot. I would never go near a corpse and luckily, neither would my husband. I refuse to be near the dead, the whole idea gives me the absolute ick and I feel it to be deeply morbid.

It's still a corpse even if it is that of his deceased parent. OP finds it distasteful which is her right. Everyone views death differently, I'm cool with it but many find it uncomfortable to talk about and be around.

This. His MUCH LOVED parent!