Kissing a corpse (signs of decomposition)

[HardyGreenMentor]

OH’s parent sadly and unexpectedly passed away 5w ago. Due to needing an autopsy the chapel of rest could only be arranged now. OH devastated and struggling to process it, went to the chapel after being told by funeral directors that there is discolouration. OH said there was a veil over the coffin but they could see through dark patches on the face and fingernails turning black. Suspecting it, I asked if OH kissed the corpse. OH said yes, on the hands. OH also said they want to go back to see their parent’s corpse on Monday despite the appearance.
I am weirded out that OH kissed over a month old corpse (a week or so I think might be debatable). I am also disturbed that OH wants to go back on Monday. I am not OK with OH coming home today and kissing our toddler on the head and face, so I washed our toddler.

I would also be weirded out. No way i would want to kiss him after that so not sure why your toddler should suffer either. Can you subtly keep your toddler out of kissing reach until oh has showered/cleaned teeth etc. This is how infection used to be passed to birthing mothers when doctors went straight from the morgue to then delivering babies and Semmelheis was imprisoned for daring to suggest such a thing. I know it's not exactly the same thing but we have a disgust response for a very good reason.

You can't help the way you feel OP. Our society had a lot of taboos around death (arising from our fear of it) and you are not alone in a feeling of visceral disgust at the thought of close contact with a corpse. The important thing though is that you conceal this from your husband. Because to him its not a decaying dead body, its his final moments with his mum.
Your fears of contamination have hopefully been addressed now, and you'll understand that your concern and distaste is for the thought of if, rather than the reality. So the best thing is to put it out of your mind and not let your imagination and pictures of decaying flesh run away with you. It won't have been like that.

Im Irish.

We touch (& kiss) dead people a lot in our family anyway.

The corpses are 72 hrs old max

I have lost a parent.
5 weeks would make me uncomfortable.

I think you are likely what’s called a grief vulture.

You are having to make it about you.

It’s one thing to be a bit weirded out by something that is unfamiliar to you but to be ‘disturbed’ he wanted to go back and washing your toddler is just dramatic.
You pick up more germs from a supermarket but still pick your toddler up or hold her hand.

Some of the comments on this thread are so cold and heartless. My brother died in Australia and had been dead for several days by the time my mum and I were able to make arrangements, book flights, and get there. We went to the funeral home the day after we arrived and my mum sat with my brother for about 30 minutes. I assume during that time she held his hand and kissed him as part of saying goodbye. It wasn’t something that I felt I wanted to do, but I completely supported my mum and understood that she needed to spend time with him, and I was there to hug her afterwards. I was with my Mum when she died three years ago, and I hope she knew I was there. I kissed her and said goodbye and thank you to her after she had died. I didn’t want to see her again before the funeral, but thst was my response to her death and I completely understand why other people might want to spend time with their deceased loved one. It’s not weird or unhygenic to want to sit with and touch someone after they die, and it’s part of the grieving process for many people. However, the OP’s response IS weird and completely devoid of any empathy.

It's definitely a corpse. Has been for weeks

I'm pretty shocked by the lack of empathy in the OP's attitude. The concern about germs is fair enough up to a point, but, as she has said, this is only 'one part' of her dislike for her partner's actions in viewing his deceased parent. (And if it was the major part of her concern, I expect it could be easily resolved by googling the facts, rather than by testing out other people's reactions on MN)

I don't believe that the choice of terminology ('corpse') or the choice to describe alterations in the body are neutral. I believe that it is a framing selected in order to position her partner's preference as somehow freakish and incomprehensible. It feels like a deliberate suspension of the normal understanding of bereavement.

Also, I can tell you from my own experience that there can be a very intense and primal need to experience the concrete reality of a death - the decomposition, blackening, odour, coldness, hardness, horror - as a means to try to begin to apprehend what has happened, or to try to overcome the numb abstracted confusion that can beset us in bereavement. A kiss has this meaning, as well as being a last desperate attempt to encounter the lost person as they were in life.

I can't think of other occasions when I have been quite so upset by a post on MN as I have been here.

OP what do you think earth is? Unless your DH's parent died from something contagious this is a non issue..

In our house to reduce standard infections like coughs colds etc.. we ALWAYS wash our hands and faces when we get home.

Your fear of death / germs is crushing your compassion which needs to be your priority now

I can't believe you are referring to their parent as a corpse. You sound like you really lack in compassion amd empathy.

OMG what a horrible thread. OP, you are nasty and unfeeling, and also a bit... well, uneducated. Do you really think western funeral home will allow dead body to decompose, and would allow a visitor to see it - never mind kiss it? It will be kept in a refrigerator, and will be embalmed and cleaned.

Its his parent, ffs. Of course he wants to see their remains again, he is grieving. It is likely he is deeply traumatised. And all you care about it "germs". What a heartless person you are.

I would kiss my dead mum/dad/child without a second thought

Has anyone you love died?
I thought the same until my brother passed away.

He just wants to see his parents one last time. He will never get to see them again. Don't let him know how distasteful you personally find it. Let him have his precious memories

Pretty horrible view OP, and some pretty horrible voices in agreement. We’re so weird and ignorant about death in the west.

A person who has had a post-mortem will have been kept in sterile conditions but will almost certainly require embalming before they can be viewed. Embalming is fairly standard in England, even if the intention is for relatives to visit with a closed lid. Sometimes damage will be visible from the post-mortem, or from injuries prior to death.

Understandable not to want to visit someone, not at all understandable to judge others who do want to, or to raise your child with unwarranted fears. Imagine if they were disgusted by your ‘corpse’ as you call your in-law.

And you have no idea whether they have been embalmed? Your posts show how unsupportive you are of your partner right now through what will likely be one of their worst experiences.

Your poor husband, hope he's getting his ducks in a row.

You're being very very unreasonable here.
Your DH has just lost his parent. It's a monumental thing to happen and takes some coming to terms with.
Some people do want to see the body more than once. It's about accepting what has happened. It may not seem real. Or they may just need that bit of extra time.
The funeral home will have done their best to make the body as viewable as possible. They just like to make you aware in advance that it won't be perfect as there is inevitable decline after a while.
The body will be laid out in a tasteful way and people can visit and pay their respects. It's a normal thing to offer to people.
And it's also normal to want to make a physical contact. A final kiss.
The human body does not become contaminated or germ ridden after death when preserved. You and your child are not at risk.
Your DH will be struggling with the fact that he will never see this parent again. Have some compassion.

I wish I’d stopped myself from reading this thread.

Fess hole could be read in different ways, none good. So no thanks.

I found my mother dead. I held her hand and kissed her several times and kissed her goodbye when the funeral home took her. I went to see her in the chapel of rest and it did feel
different- she looked distinctly more dead and it did feel like a body not like her. I didn’t kiss her there. I understand your feelings but think if it comforts your husband and he still sees his mother there is no harm in it x

OP, it's your husband's choice.
Personally, I would never want to view someone after their death - not because I'm "squeamish" but because, in my view, the person no longer exists, so there would be no point.
Obviously, there are no hygiene issues here.
However, your role is to support your partner, even though his choices may be different to yours. Just let him do what works for him.

I think it’s gross personally and would never want an open coffin!
However there is no risk of disease and your toddler will be fine, you need to let your DH grieve in his own way.
Just because I wouldn’t want to see a loved one’s body it doesn’t mean I don’t understand that it helps other people with their grief.

In what way is the toddler suffering?

PS not the same thing at all.

I would be devastated if my husband felt this way. @HardyGreenMentor when I lost my dad I found people referring to “the dead body” disgusting. It was my dad that I loved and nurtured and cared for while he was ill. It was the person who had such a massive impact on every part of my life. I saw him a few times at the funeral directors (we had to wait 3 weeks to bury him as it was during Covid). We had an open coffin at my parents house from the night before until we left for the church. It was incredibly comforting to be able to stroke his face, hold his hand and kiss him for the final time. I also kissed my children after and in between kissing my dad.
Grief is a life altering, devastating event. Please have some compassion and let your partner grieve however they chose. And FFS don’t clean your kids every time your partner goes near them.

I know you’ve had plenty of criticism here but I’m so on your side.

Regardless if it was his parent or not he is still kissing a decomposing corpse and I would be quite disgusted. My family is Irish we have wakes and kiss the dead but not under those conditions ime.

I am sympathetic to him, as I’m sure you are, but if it was my DH (which it wouldn’t be, he can’t even look at a dead body bless him) I would be uncomfortable too.