Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

I'm baffled as to why he, or anyone else, thinks he's doing you a favour by transporting his own disabled child.

He sounds awful.

But 16 pages in it's worth at least reading all the OP's posts by clicking "see all" otherwise chances are your advice will be wasted.

It's unusual.for an OP to put all the info in the first post because they answer questions the first few posters ask & reveal more info as they go, not always deliberately or to "drip feed".
It's just how the forum tends to work.

^This 100%. Some of the posts have been very unpleasant to a struggling mum of a severely disabled DC.

I haven't read all 17 pages, so I apologise if this is something that has been mentioned before. Where I live, there is a charity that provides what they call a volunteer car service for disabled people. You can book (subject to availability) a volunteer to drive you to somewhere you need to go and pick you up again afterwards. They will help you with loading up all the equipment you need to take. You do pay them for petrol at 45p per mile, but it is cheaper than a taxi. It might be worth investigating if there is a similar charity in your area, as I know it isn't unique to where I live. This may help you to go places in future.

I'm glad that your child has experienced a magical time.

That actually sounds perfect! Thank you, I will look into that.

Very unpleasant drive home, things got heated, ex said he does not have the choice to not see me, I said I too do not have the luxury of not seeing him (I didn’t mean to use the word luxury, it came out that way) he then got very nasty and called me an evil piece of shit, we tried to calm things down, he apologised saying it got heated, I said please can we start again, he said yes but you are still an arsehole. We tried discussing Christmas etc in his house but things again got out of hand and he called me an evil piece of shit multiple times, I told him not to call me that and he said it’s because you are a piece of shit, he was just being honest!

He then said how I was rotten on the inside, an horrible, evil, insidious person. It wasn’t nice and lesson learned-no more favours and no more entering the family home.

His logic is that I probably think the same about him and that he’s just being honest in saying it out loud. He told me he despises me.

i tried to reason with him and said he was verbally abusing me but he was “being honest” Sorry, venting after a bad day, holiday was magical and lovely though. ✨

Probably better to not see each other if your kids were trapped in the car listening to this. You can't be around each other in person it sounds like.

How did you expect it to be after the drive down? Clearly he has no respect for you and he’s going to call you names. I’m so sorry.

Try to ignore his nastiness. He would be better off saying no than saying yes and insulting and abusing you the entire way home.
Sounds like he is still very angry about the separation and took it as an opportunity to abuse you.
Mind yourself, it could be a while till he accepts the changes and stops being so angry.

Makes me wonder why he chose to marry you if you are that "evil". Says a lot about his choices.

Or if you used to be so lovely when he married you, what the hell happened in your marriage that you changed to such an "evil" person??!

Either way, he has to look at himself as to why you have apparently changed soooooo much.

But of course, he never will

You left him because he's abusive, but you're still expecting him to be there for you when it suits you. I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, just encouraging you to think about what you're doing here and what you're expecting. The quicker you can properly separate and reduce contact to the bare minimum required to co-parent, the better for you.

He says vile things deliberately to upset you & make you miserable probably because he is miserable.
That isn't to excuse him though because it isn't ok to speak to someone like that.

Make sure he does his bit and has the kids enough to give you a break but don't spend time in a car with him again.
It's tough separating when you have kids because you have to stay in contact. But from now on keep it business like & don't get drawn into toxic fights or let him keep you as his verbal punch bag.
Hopefully over time things will calm down & become easier between you.

Because he didn't want to go on this holiday, or take his children there, that's apparent by his comment about being fed up of doing things for her. He's clearly not choosing to do these things off his own back because he wants to. According to another poster it was his weekend with the children and yet she's choosing the activities and asking him to transfer the children there. It's really not on. He also agreed to the driving initially, just was pissed off when she expected to delay a 3hr round trip (or perhaps just a 1 1/2 hr one way trip if he was going on this holiday too) into a longer one by expecting him to wait an unspecified amount of time for a food delivery, which she didn't plan better so that it could have arrived earlier.

I'd be pissed off if someone did that to me too and I'm not abusive. I wouldn't behave as he did but I'd refuse to wait, they'd be given the choice of coming at the allotted time as planned, without the delivery, or finding another way to get themselves there. If they gave me any attitude about it you bet it would be the last time I agreed to do them a favour.

If it was his weekend with the children then he should have been left to parent them as he sees fit, even if that is ignoring them and leaving them in front of the TV. That's what breaking up is, it's going your separate ways and doing your own thing.

I don't dispute he sounds like an arsehole, that was apparent from OPs first post, but she still shouldn't be this involved in her ex's life. It's just wrong, and entirely unhealthy for her if he's abusive. The children don't actually benefit from having an abusive parent either.

Not unreasonable at all. You’re amazing. What a lovely thing to do to take your disabled child with profound needs for a Christmas holiday . How dare he call you an arsehole and so the kids can hear!
such a small ask!
what can you do about your eldest ? You did check him , you don’t want that getting any worse as he gets older . could you get some advice
sorry
x

You should have sorted delivery to caravan park not home, and mad you think your x should take you, as child is with you so it’s for you to sort.
Doesn’t sound like any of them have respect for you, so you definitely have lots to work on.

this also sounds like an abusive man that you’re better off without , in addition to what I just said .
I wouldn’t be surprised if you stopped reading replies as they are just amazing, as in amazingly bad - why I thought to respond . but if you haven’t stopped …💐
you’re not alone , ( I’ve been having a look through some different threads ).

Yes completely concur with you Sincere Soul 💚🫂💚

This is a common theme with non drivers. My MIL is the same & often moans about paying taxis to go to an appointment 10 minutes from her house & has hinted that I should make the 1 1/2 hour detour & take her. I’ve even offered to cover her taxi fee when she’s had a full on moan. To which she’ll say that it costs £20 & it’s the principle of wasting that money which is the problem. Not considering my time or petrol.

i would be annoyed if I agreed to sacrifice 2 1/2 hours of my time in the evening & I was waiting around for a food shop that was 20 minutes late. It’s cutting it fine you should have had it delivered earlier or the day before. You were being disrespectful of his time. Once you’re dropped off he still has to get home. The favour is bigger than you think & im thinking he’s had enough because it does appear you’re taking him for granted & there is some expectation from you he should do it.

however it’s not ok to allow your son to disrespect you. He should have pulled him up on it & so should you. I would have said your dad has a right to be annoyed you don’t so never speak like that to me again

Agree . And your MIL is cheeky !

The weekend away with her younger son was actually on the days when her ex-husband was due to have him. So, apart from the drive, he had the weekend with their older son who he obviously prefers and will do exciting and expensive things with such as staying in 5-star hotels. He does nothing outside the house with the younger child and he obviously struggles massively with having a child with disabilities so most of the care of this child is left to OP.

OP is just trying to give their younger child some enjoyable experiences. It's obvious that he ex-husband doesn't enjoy having his younger child and he probably preferred to do the drive there and back rather than look after this child for the weekend. He's made a big fuss and been a total prick to OP just because he is a fucking arsehole who is angry that OP ended their marriage and is doing it to punish her.

The holiday park didn’t accept food deliveries plus it was his weekend to have our son so a couple of hours driving then he had the whole weekend free.

This isn’t the same thing at all. I happily transport myself and my son around on busses and taxis, I never ask anyone for lifts. I only ask his Dad twice a year to help out so our son can have a weekend away, he would not have these opportunities otherwise like our oldest has. The driving happens on his weekends to have our son and I had asked him many months in advance. With the amount of stuff needed for a weekend away (extra stuff due to his disability) it would be very difficult to transport all the stuff into the accommodation plus watch my son who needs constant supervision, another person is needed to help.

I can't believe you have to keep explaining this, OP!

It's so annoying when posters reply to a thread pages & pages in without bothering to read more than your first post!

I am glad you had a good weekend with your youngest & I hope enough of us have told you that you are doing a great job & weren't being unreasonable to expect your exH to step up & do what he had promised to do (without being a git about it) to make you feel better about the situation.
X

I didn’t see your other messages. So sorry I didn’t get the added context.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong original commenter, you're a lovely, wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate Mum
Remember this always 💚🫂💚