Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

Lovely to hear you and ds are having a great time.

You are doing an amazing job mamma. It isn’t your fault your ex is a waste of space no good arsehole. Unfortunately a lot of them have no idea what parenting is and we still live in a society where it must all be the woman’s fault because she moaned too much or didn’t clean enough blah blah blah. Fuck that and well done you for putting your child first, clearly his dad never does and I know that feeling too well. Keep doing the great work job!

It's great to hear you are having such a good time!

But please stop using the word "favour". Have you done DS a "favour" by caring for him, sorting out a holiday, packing etc? If you say "yes" then fair enough, carry on using that term.

If you say "no, I just want the best for him and he deserves a holiday" then it should be the same for his father. Why do you say his father is doing him a favour by getting him to the holiday???
He isn't.

And you as DS's carer are not getting a favour either. You are being a parent.

I bet your ex was the kind of person who announced "I have hoovered / done minimal cleaning/ emptied the dishwasher FOR YOU" when you were together (if he ever did!) and expected a round of applause

Why don’t you drive?

That's not the case sweets, as I mentioned in my earlier post, I know people who have accessed funding as carers for their children. They went via Family Fund, Newcastle Carers or Disability North but if you contact your SEND local offer / local parents and carers forum / alliance, a disability social worker, EHA family partner, health visitor, Mencap family caseworker etc, they should be able to advise you on local provision. Based on your username I've guessed you might be Welsh and included just a basic Google search screenshot

Here we go again 🙄🙄

Stop deliberately missing the point and trying to guilt the OP.

Read the thread & her posts and see all she does for her kids.
The "why don't you drive?" shit has been done to death on here & you are too late to the party with that crap.

You chose to take your son on holiday during your time with him and therefore it is your responsibility to manage that holiday. During your exes time with him it is his responsibility to manage any activities/holidays he does with your son.

Unless there is a really good reason for you not to drive, you need to learn to drive. For your son. I’m assuming he has a lot of medical appointments and will likely need your care for the rest of his life.

Wish you and your son all the best, glad you are having a great time.

The point of the post is that she booked a holiday she couldn’t get to because she doesn’t drive and therefore her ex had to drive her. Why don’t you drive is a very relevant question…

If it’s because it is impossible for her to do so then relying on her ex makes more sense. If she is choosing not to do so it makes less sense. The reason it has “been done to death” is because running around someone who could drive but doesn’t want to is a constant pain the ass.

I don't think it's reasonable to leave someone and ask them to continue to facilitate the things you want to do. I appreciate that these are things you want to do to benefit your children but you're not a family anymore and you both need to learn to parent independently of each other.

I can see why he feels like you're having your cake and eating it.

I won't weigh in on the arguments between the three of you except to say that it highlights that its not healthy for you all to be spending time in enclosed spaces.

This is unrelated but just to describe the current dynamic between us all. Yesterday our teenager wanted to have a chat to a priest in a church about attending, he is exploring his faith. I text him “Good luck with church today Tom!” My ex then text saying that message did not go down well and insinuated that I probably wouldn’t see oldest after school on Monday. It looks like what I text was twisted in such a way that it made me look like i was being sarcastic or insinuating that something would happen with the priest! Omg. Ex did not correct DS and has apparently gone along with the idea that I’ve upset him (again) long story but there’s a pattern emerging. Sorry, diverted the thread I know but just to give you an idea into ex’ behaviours!

Interesting- because my exDH and I firmly believe that despite no longer being together, our child and we are still a family. And that’s our “line” “daddy and I are not a couple, but together we are a family”

And we choose to behave in such a manner that means we can spend time together in enclosed spaces, and do things for our child, that may mean supporting the other parent.

We do this for the benefit of our child, not one another.

In the absence of an abusive history etc. it is possible- I know many divorced parents who do as we do- but it’s interesting that the very idea of such a thing has been met with such hostility on this thread.

Your ex sounds like he is laying the groundwork for parental alienation.

Was he abusive when you were together OP?

That's an agreement that you've met with your exDH and I'm glad it works for you (although these types of arrangements often fall apart when other partners etc. enter the mix which causes all kinds of issues for the relationship between the children and stepfamilies) but that's not what has been agreed in this scenario.

She very clearly does not like her ex.

He very clearly holds a lot of resentment towards her and feels bitter about the break-up. In fairness to him, the last thing you need when you've just been dumped is to hang around with your ex for hours on end. Regardless of whether he deserved to be dumped or not, which he probably did.

The time for asking your ex for a favour is when the dust has settled, not when everything is raw.

He was, yes. (Not physically but mentally and emotionally)

Your ex is a vile, selfis pig and if you want your son to be like him then continue as you are. Don't arrange things that allow him to treat you in this way and require his involvement. You cried all the way there? You should have been furious. Stop martyring yourself, it's a road to more of the same. And sort your son out while there's still time.

It’s worked for almost a decade, so 🤷‍♀️

I dont know anyone who acts like that once split. Its not the norm amongst my friends, peers etc.

In which case, whilst it would be lovely if he could find it in himself to change his ways and do some healthy co-parenting, I can’t imagine he would, from what you’ve said!

I completely understand the impulse to sacrifice yourself and your own emotional wellbeing for the benefit of your child- but as your ex can’t be trusted to behave in emotionally healthy ways, then I’d probably in your position, find workarounds.

Its such a shame because I can read through your posts that you’re someone who would “make it work”- sadly though it takes two!

Big hug OP.

In terms of things like holidays though, there are definitely trusts out there to support parents of disabled children with things like that. Have a Google X

You should probably look into mediation services. He is definitely laying the foundations to "rescue" your eldest son from you, both to hurt you and so that he can play the single dad, in the lowest stakes way possible. This is exactly what I expect my ex to do with our AuDHD son when he's older, medicated and able to self care and self soothe. That's why I'm keeping a dossier of all of the times he's endangering our son or opting out and how, as our son's ADHD behaviour is peaking, he's seeing him less and taking him on less activities as well. Keep on tracking and logging those patterns of behaviour. Coercive control is now a crime and it's starting to be recognised that it worsens at the point of separation.

Well that's nice for you. I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than playing happy families with an ex shortly after a break-up. I actually get on quite well with my longest term ex and we see each other once in a while, but the reason we broke up is because he drives me insane and whilst I'm always happy to see that he's happy and doing well, the thought I always have when I hear about his latest misadventure or his next self-destructive plan is "Thank God he's not my problem anymore!" Luckily, my child's father and I are happily married but in the unlikely event of splitting I'd be aiming for amicable but separate. If we were happy to sit together and have meals and go on family days out then it would beg the question as to why we were even broken up.

Why don't you read?

Firstly I know its hard being a single parent to children let alone a child with complex needs / disabled. But the thing is that unless someone has lived your life and walked in your shoes they dont really get how hard it is.

I get that you were wanting the holiday for your son and that is lovely. But the practicalities of doing so mean that you relied on your ex which was destined to be tense regardless. The result is agro and upset and arguments which means that the holiday became unpleasant - in which case achieving the opposite of what you hoped for.

I think your ex is really good hearted to agree to drive you and kids 1.5 hours to a holiday destination in the dark. For him thats a 3 hour round trip and approx £30+ in petrol. Plus it probably feels uncomfortable for him - so he has prioritised you and kids for that. So I do understand his frustration at arriving for the long journey to find he has to wait for your delivery to arrive first - that would really annoy me too. He is right that it should have been better planned. But I get that its difficult to be really organised when you are on your own supporting a disabled child.

I think you should apologise to your ex and show appreciation for his efforts - that would go a long way towards smoothing over the tension.
You need to be more self reliant - when considering a holiday look for something easier to get to. It doesnt need to be so far away for the kids to enjoy. It could have been 45 mins away and still be good. Or further away but on a train route. Find a holiday that is more accessible. There are things you can do here in future to improve the holiday and be more self-reliant. There are also holidays for single parents and disabled kids - google it and look up some organisations and make contact for next year. Instead maybe ask your ex to chip in some money for it rather than him providing transport.

You could also look at getting an accessibility card for your son to enabled disabled access to events / days out so you can do these kind of things with him too. Also make contact with your local carers association.

You may have done this already but you can ask for a carers assessment from the local authority to ensure you are being sufficiently supported. You can also apply for carers allowance.

Anyway dont let it get you down. Learn from the experience and move on with life. I hope you can move on past this and enjoy the rest of holiday

The OP has already explained that she has failed her driving test four times. It's not like she hasn't tried.

She also talked about this weekend away with her ex and he agreed to drive them before she booked it. She said she wouldn't have booked it if he hadn't agreed it was ok.

The "Why don't you drive?" question wouldn't need to be done to death if people actually read the thread and the OP's posts instead of jumping in on page 15 with daft questions.

"YOU should do this.."

"YOU could do that..."

Where is the advice for what the ex could be doing?
The ex who doesn't look after his kids 50/50?

The ex who can't and won't take his disabled child out on his own?

The ex who speaks badly to his children's mother in front of them?

The ex who doesn't reprimand his child for speaking badly to his mum?

But, yes, of course there is plenty of advice for the mum here. As always.

And I really hope the OP doesn't apologise to that horrible man? Have you actually read the thread through?
Apologise?? Are you for real??