Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

[PoptyPin]

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

Yes completely concur with you & the other lovely commenter you're in agreement with here💚Shocking how some might struggle to see what you both so compassionately, bring to light so well💚🫂💚

He is an ex

I really don't see this as a gendered issue.

People should make sure they've achieved a level of self sufficiency before deciding to have children.

Separated parents shouldn't organise holidays for the kids on the other parent's access weekend and then 1. expect them to facilitate it and 2. act like they're doing the other parent a favour.

Next time - get a taxi to take you to the holiday park (or alternatively a friend or family member) and have the food shop delivered to the holiday park. There was no need to involve your ex.

I can't in my wildest imagination think that I would ask an ex to drive me somewhere. I get it's his kid too. But you either go somewhere accessible for someone who can't drive. Or, if it's holding you back from doing what you want, learn to drive!

It doesn’t really matter who was being unreasonable. You found this experience unpleasant so you need to work out how you are going to be independent of him so you don’t have to go through this again.

you might want to extend your wildest imagination to imagining yourself as the mother of a profoundly disabled child who is prepared to ask her ex for "help" in order to provide a good experience for their child.

Love how some people just saying learn to drive. I drive have done for years but it was expensive then even more so now and if looking after a disabled child prob unaffordable and no spare time. Would then maybe have to ask child’s father to babysit whilst on lessons and be seen to ask for more “favours”.

By all means discussion between yourselve but your other child should not over hear and call you a bitch. My child would be in major trouble speaking to me like that.

Think we need to stop normalising that when parents split it’s for the mother to do most the hard work and be seen as grateful for the father doing anything. That’s where the problem lies!!

Exactly this, 100%!

I haven’t RTFT but I am going to go against the grain and say it’s totally possible for ex spouses to help each other out.
Me and ex DH have been separated for 4 years. I drive him and DS to the airport if needed, watch DS on nights if ExH has plans and vice versa. We work together as a team to make life easier for each other and it greatly benefits DS to see us cooperating this way. I don’t think it’s an issue if there is some give and take here. Obviously, if he doesn’t want to do it anymore there’s not much you can do about that but I think it’s sad how few co-parents actually help each other out

There is absolutely nothing wrong with exes mutually helping each other where they are both mature intelligent adults, it does happen a lot, the is difference in it working one way and one person expecting it because 'it's not for me but the child/ren and I demand it'

Yes you are right, that is different. I would never demand help from my ex nor him from me. He doesn’t have family in this country and my family can’t be relied upon so we try to make life easier for each other but I would never expect it. In our case help is either offered (hey ex wife, you said you’re really busy at work so shall I pick DS up this evening and have him an extra night so you can get stuff done? Or hey ex H, do you need a lift to pick your car up from the garage so you can get around for the rest of the week?)
Or if it is asked for and not convenient we just say no and all is good.

Not what happened here though according to the OP, is it?
She asked the ex if he would drive them months before the trip & he agreed. Then he acted like an arse hole when it came round to actually doing it.

And people have piled on here to slate a woman whose only crime was to assume her ex would stick to his word and be a courteous human being while she took their disabled child away on her own to improve the child's quality of life. And she takes the child away because the ex can't do it himself as he can't cope with the child alone.

This absolutely IS a gendered issue. Our entire society is set up to favour men and flip the script on the women they let down, either through overt abuse or weaponised incompetence. And just so you know, these men don't have a sign in their heads. I'm sure you've heard of charming psychopaths like Robert Brown or Chris Watts or John List. These men do a stand-up job of hiding who they are for years, until they have you trapped by children / financial dependence and such. People like you then blame the victim, not the abuser. Clearly you've led a charmed life and not been the 1 in 3 women who has experienced at least one sexual assault (85% by current /ex-partners, friends family or acquaintances) or the 1 in 4 women who have experienced domestic abuse. Clearly you're not aware that almost 4 women are dying every week, at the hands of current or ex partners and that domestic abuse, which almost 3/4 of victims are women, not only ramps up at the point of separation but is also the cause of over 1/3 of all homicides. And before you say there's no mention of abuse; just look at the double standard the father is operating with. The older, lower demand kid, who can be manipulated to be his wingman, is given preferential treatment to the disabled child who is too much hard work. This is a classive coercive controller move, as is the tendency to engage in post separation abuse. They will readily agree to things, only to use it to fuel abuse when it comes to do it or even cancel at the last minute, when you can't make alternative arrangements. Yes, her world would be a better place if she were able to completely disengage from him and rely on him for nothing but IT IS CATEGORICALLY NOT HER FAULT THAT HE'S SUCH A HORRIBLE PRICK.

The op gets mobility. She could potentially access lessons via the scheme https://www.motability.co.uk/get-support/faqs/learn-to-drive-in-my-vehicle#:~:text=If%20you%20receive%20Personal%20Independence,Learn%20more%20about%20financial%20help

I hate people who use my rare requests against me, the type who jump on your weak moments.
Your eldest as rude like his Dad, using you as a verbal punching bag, fuck them.
Once you're back home ignore them.

Well said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Agree it is so depressing, some of the comments on here have been ridiculous & have missed the point entirely that the OP is doing way more care of the kids than her ex & that he can't/won't take the younger child out alone.
Instead the fixation has been on her learning to drive and never asking him for anything ever - which of course plays right into his hands and makes his life easier.

So, so depressing.

He may be right, you may be right, however there is never a need for a son to call his mother a bitch and for an ex to speak to you like that, fuelling the acceptability of DS to throw two cents in...... I feel that everyone could have handled the situation better.

Thanks for sharing the link - unfortunately any funding for driving lessons through the mobility scheme is for the disabled person only, not their carer which is a shame!

Oh that is a shame!! Sorry :)

but at least if you do learn to drive you won’t have to pay an arm and a leg for insurance and a car.

I can see from your posts that this is a recent split.

I presume the weekend was booked before you knew it was his weekend.

You need to ensure he parents on his weekends going forward. He sees your youngest as a problem and you are demonstrating this to your eldest by taking the youngest because dad can't.

Yes your youngest deserves a break but so do you. If your eldest gets all the fun with dad and all the crap from you, guess where he'll choose to live and then he'll continue to talk badly to you.

You need to work out your rules for co parenting. Boundaries that you both stick too. Your DC have two parents and both parents need to care for both children.

Then stop relying on ex at all.

Thanks for your replies - despite the shitty start to the holiday we are having a lovely time, DS is having a magical, festive time! I’ll never stop fighting for him to have these experiences even if I have to get creative in how we get there. This particular resort is not accessible via public transport and if we had a taxi it would be very difficult to transport all our stuff (I need to take extra duvets,towels,incontinence products etc) into the accommodation alone. Due to the nature of where we are you can’t actually drive right up to the accommodation. It’s very hard on my own thus asking ex to help out so his son could have a weekend away. I asked him then booked the holiday, I wouldn’t have booked it if I had no way of getting there. I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I don’t frequently ask him for lifts and favours. This is just around twice a year that I take him away. Our oldest has multiple holidays and breaks throughout the year. When I’m away with our youngest my ex takes the teen away for the weekend, normally he would have our youngest. Last time he took oldest to a 5 star hotel and drove hours to get there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to do the same for his other child. He would be doing none of the care, just the driving a few times per year.

@PoptyPin hope you are having a nice time. How are you getting home? Is your ex picking you up?

If so to minimise any “fuss” from him have everything ready to go. And when you get back just say thanks don’t express profound gratitude to him.

Going forward never give him an excuse to make you feel upset again. And as for your eldest son he needs to be told that his words were unacceptable.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks, we are having such a lovely time! It’s so magical here, DS has met the big man himself and was very excited! Ex is picking us up, I don’t really have any other choice and it would cause more friction to make our way home ourselves as ex would see it as me causing trouble. I’ll thank him but I’ll never ask him for any favours again, I’ll have to think of alternatives if I take DS away again, it’s not worth how much power it gives ex over me. Unfortunately he cannot see my point of view in how much our son deserves the same (adapted) experiences as our oldest. I adore my son and will do anything in my power to give him these experiences and memories, he is a joy to be with 💕

We are recently separated so things are raw, I left my ex so he’s still very angry. Harsh lesson this weekend to never ask him again!