Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

Really? I know several & do it myself too.

Works really well for the kids and everyone involved.

I understand you want your Ds to have a nice time, but your ex is your ex for a reason and I think there needs to be some separation. I’d be a bit fed up too, tbh. I’d still do it, because I wouldn’t want DS to miss out but I’d be very resentful at feeling like I had to be at my ex’s beck and call because they couldn’t develop some level of independence. I appreciate things are hard Op and you don’t deserve the name calling. I think extra thought needs to go into the logistics of the journey next time? Does DS qualify for any kind of support/respite care/transport? I know it’s hard but you and ex are not together any more, so the dynamics of your relationship have to change.

You sound very angry.

Sure in an ideal world someone would make a post online about how the ex should do this or should do that and it would happen through the magic of mumsnet. But being realistic, let me be clear - There is absolutely no way that the OP or myself or you can change the ex's behaviour....... even if he were on here and reading / engaging with the post. Only the ex can change his behaviour if he ever is reflective of his behaviour and makes a conscious decision to change - which mostly does not happen. I speak from experience of having a very nasty ex and a disabled child.

I know from experience that there is nothing that I (or OP) can do to change the behaviour of an ex. He clearly isnt happy doing the journeys so it is going to impact on the OP and children if she continues to rely on him. The best way to approach the situation is self-preservation / distance from him and self reliance with support from proper support services (not reliance on an ex) - which is what I proposed in my response.

As part of self-preservation of the situation if it were me I would apologise for ordering the delivery to arrive at the 11th hour hence causing the ex to be delayed in his long journey to take them on holiday. It will smooth over things (which will improve the situation for the OP). I would then avoid relying on him again. Sure he is their dad but he is also an ex and an ex for a reason. Sure he should do this and should do that and do it with a smile on his face and willing attitude but thats not the reality of toxic situations and broken relationships.

The OP already has a hard enough life supporting her children and supporting a disabled child. Why make things worse for her by setting unrealistic expectations of what the ex's behaviour should be like if he were a devoted dad to his children. Its just not reality.

We can’t advise the ex he isn’t the one posting here.

We nor op can change his behaviour. She can only change her expectations of him.

Yes that’s letting men get away with it blah blah blah. But what’s the other actual alternative? There isn’t. You cannot force a shit parent to be a good parent. You cannot force someone who doesn’t want to help, to help. It’s really that simple.

Men are held accountable by their peers and the only time they will give a shit what a women thinks about his behaviour or actions is if he actually cares about her or is trying to sleep with her.

So he will want to look good to his mother, his work colleges and the next person he wants to sleep with. Thats why they will play Amazing dad and man when a new gf comes on the scene. But we as women cannot change their behaviour just make sure we run a mile when they start to let the mask drop.

Don’t be fooled by those men who slag off their ex’s as crazy, don’t be jumping into making new babies with part time eow daddies. Don’t be moving these hobo sexuals into our homes. Don’t lower our bars to let the loser men in is the only way we can help ourselves.

God Bless You 💚
Most surely you don't need to explain to anyone how upset you immensely understandably were😢
So natural to cry & much healthier to express hurt than suppress which then oftentimes results in depression 🫂
Can't believe someone criticised crying, such a normal healthy human emotion 💚We're not robots, especially when our Beloved Children are disrespectful & unkind to us
How cold & uncompassionate of someone to sit in judgment of being human & Your Loved Ones were not even aware you were in tears
💚🫂💚

Yes, sure I'm angry because I am sick of reading posts where people excuse crap dads, hold them to such a lesser account and then tell the mum in the situation all the things she should be doing.

And the problem is it translates into real life too because it perpetuates the same ideas that mums are expected to do way more than dads.

So yes I do find that makes me angry and I will continue to call it out.

Yes completely concur with you & it's noble & courageous to call it out & behold Righteous Anger, sincere soul
Well done for making a stand for some justice 💚🙏💚

She shouldn’t apologize for shit, get a grip. You don’t apologize to people who mentally abuse you. You have lost the plot for sure.

I don't think the idea of ex helping out is unreasonable or that you don't deserve help or that what he is doing is too much. I just think he's a horrible person, you know he's a horrible person, so why put yourself in that position. In order to move on successfully and protect yourself and your children, you need to find a way to manage these things by yourself.

It's a harsh, terrible reality. But people don't change and especially after a split, abusive men will take every bit of power they have to hold it over you.

I quite agree that mums are expected to do a whole lot more than dads. Its not excusing the Dads responsibilities... rather its living in reality of todays society. The OPs post was not 'is society wrong for not holding fathers to account' it was about her situation specifically. To do something about society as a whole it would be better to start an online campaign or write to MP etc rather than simply expect a man who hasn't even seen the post to change his ways which are probably learnt behaviours from society.

This mum needs help. She has an ex who appears to view parenting as her responsibility rather than his. She has been very distressed by the situation when she was attempting something good for her kids. I have suggested ways to help that do not rely on the Dad. Its a toxic situation where the dad is involved and spreading toxicity to the kids. If she seeks support from supportive organisations or finds ways to holiday without his involvement that will mean much less stress and upset for her and I hope make life more manageable.

Trying to change the ex's behaviour is pointless and will lead to more distress for her. Once the kids have grown up if she wants to try and change society she would be in a better position to. Right now she just needs to survive and support her kids with as much support and as little additional stress as possible.

No - Not lost the plot - ive lived through similar with a disruptive abusive narc and apologised for many things that were not of my making - to make life survivable and to reduce the stress caused by him in our life. Apologising is the simple way of reducing down some of the stress for her and reducing the pressure and influence from him. It resolves it. Its about winning the war not just the battle. This allows her to move forward with finding other ways to holiday in future without involving him. The best approach when dealing with someone like that is to not rely on them even if they promise to do something. He is clearly not willing to support them without being resentful so that is horrible for the mum.

I couldn't disagree more.

Apologising to him and placating him is going to make him disrespect her even more than he already does & will only make him feel more powerful.

And it's not about changing society - there is a young boy here witnessing this who is forming his view of women and how they should be treated.

The OP needs to call her ex to account for this reason & needs to continue to ask him to do things for his own children so that their son realises fathers have responsibility for their children too.
Changing attitudes starts with boys and young men.

Agree best approach is not to rely on him but I don’t think apologizing is the way through it. Sounds like he does next to nothing so maybe creating a life where he is not involved or has limited involvement is the way forward. Also sounds like she needs some very firm boundaries, I wouldn’t allow him to speak to me like he did when we were together and I certainly wouldn’t tolerate that from my child. I have learnt the hard way you need firm boundaries with an abusive narcissist. Going forward she needs to figure her own plans out without his help or involvement. The less contact with him the better.

And this is how he gets what he wants - very little responsibility for the children he had a 50% hand in creating.

He is your ex for a reason. Stop asking him for anything except maintenance and care for the kids. Time to stand on your own two feet.

This may be what she wants too. It certainly suits me with my situation to minimize his involvement because he is toxic and brings nothing but upset and disappointment for the kids.

But do you have a profoundly disabled child to care for?
I get what you are saying but in this instance it seems even more unfair that the OP is being forced to do the majority of the difficult parenting.

Yes I do. And yes it is unfair, hugely unfair and I feel that personally also. But it can bring a new level of calm to be away from toxic people. He is clearly abusive and the older child is copying, that can’t be good for anyone. I’m sure we all wish we had picked better but it is what it is. I can’t get over how he made her cry and that she is still embroiled in the verbal/psychological abuse and thinks she has to absorb the behaviour.

This. Ordinarily you shouldn’t be reliant on an ex on your time but he appears to do very little for or with his younger son. I don’t know how anyone can say he’s really nice because he spent a couple of hours driving when he doesn’t do much caring for the younger son.

You want this psychologically and emotionally abusive man to have more time with his children?

You were totally unreasonable OP. He is your EX. You're not a team any more. He doesn't have to do you favours. He's responsible for your shared child when he has him, he's not responsible for him when you have him. That's what breaking up is. It's not your ex's fault you can't drive. You asked for "only" 1hr20min?! That's 2hr 40min round trip, plus loading and unloading makes it 3hrs. And presumably he's to do it again when it's time to come home from your holiday. Then on top you wanted him to wait another half hour for a food delivery...yes it's out of order and I'm not surprised he was angry. He's right, you should have planned it better, food delivery should have been received a lot earlier in the day so everything was organised and by the front door ready to go as soon as he pulled up. If that meant putting it away in fridge-freezer then getting it out again half hour before you leave, then that's what you should have done.

You're wrong saying it's for DS, it's not, it's for you. You're the one who's decided DS should have xyz. So you need to be the one to facilitate that then, not delegate the consequences of your decisions to someone else. He will decide what DS needs when he has him and organise that. Yes, sometimes that means children's opportunities are limited by what their parents can do or can afford or have time for.

Get the kids to move in with him . He’ll then understand what you’re dealing with .

Have you actually read the whole thread through?

Do you understand why the OP asked him, that it was on HIS weekend, that he can't care for the child on his own & never takes him out and that he agreed months before, before the OP booked the trip, to do the driving?
Anyway, this pile on to the OP has been done to death now, you are very late to the party. Hopefully she has stopped reading the thread.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry your son also joined in. However I would be putting systems in place to make sure you never have to rely on your ex for anything. Cut those ties. Learn to drive for a start. Find out if there are charities who would help with transport for the future. However I would say that arranging a food delivery to arrive around the time your husband was due was a bit silly. I'd have been 100 per cent ready to go to avoid any confrontation. Why was your son so upset? Is he jealous of your other child getting special treatment?

Of course not there's 16 pages of it. She wants to stop drip feeding important details like that then. She's put enough other details in the OP, it's natural to assume she's included all the important ones 🤷 Why ask a question leaving important information out, especially when that information is in her favour. It's really not my problem that she did that. She asked a question, I answered, along with many others. It's not a crime, it's literally what the forum is for.