Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

I think its tricky to answer this, because it could go either way and it depends a bit on your personality too.
I know people who adopt a more the merrier approach to Xmas who would be quite happy for any extras (my mum is like this, she once hosted a random friend I made from Portugal who had no family) but equally I know people who would get more anxious hosting more people especially ones they don't know. Also the woman herself is an unknown. It could work out well and you have a fab time or it could not 🤷‍♀️ So I am not sure it's necessarily that it's as clear cut as YABU or not. Having said that, Xmas is a time for goodwill and if you aren't overly anxious about hosting, I'd be inclined to let her come. You could end up having a lovely time and if her and BiL last, it would be lovely to have made her feel welcome.

I would not be at all bothered by this. The more the merrier and it will be nice for BiL.

I would say no, it’s not a date, it’s a family day. FFS when has it become so hard for people to say no. Equally I am not sure when peoples social boundaries became so shoddy and inappropriate

No offence but I doubt a new gf will be thrilled to have her Christmas arranged to be with strangers and 2 small dc. Sounds like hell!

Is the plan for him ( and her potentially) coming just for Christmas dinner or to stay?
So is it you, DH, kids and DH’s brother? Or are you expecting any other relatives?
Added: how old is he and his GF? I mean why does he want to bring her ? Is it she has no where to go or anything else?

Potentially tricky. I would suggest brother in law and his new squeeze book into a nearby hotel and just visit part of the days and do their own thing for the remainder. Gives everyone a bit of breathing space and a tactful way out.

As a late teenager/early twenty something I had years of enjoying Christmas with my (2 cousins same age) cousins and their latest boyfriend. Some lads were great company some not. Bear in mind it was extended family and my Mum was hosting. Small house. There was the year that a boyfriend sprawled out on the sofa and slept all Boxing Day leaving a chair shortage. He was long gone by the following year.

My poor mum catering for that lot. Being a teen I didn’t think about how my mum felt.

Surely one more makes no difference. One of my daughters brought a different boyfriend for 3 years in a row, and it started to become a bit of a joke about not writing his name on a token gift because we weren't sure it'd be the same boyfriend!

Totally agree! I’m hoping that she just says no if he hasn’t posed it to her already!

I don't see the issue. Plenty of people will meet the new partners of family members for the first time over Christmas. One extra person doesn't require and significant additional catering

To stay. DH’s family were invited to stay a few months ago. MIL as well. He is late 30s. I don’t know about her family. I don’t know anything about her. I personally think he wants to bring her because he is feeling very ‘single’ especially around this time of year.

I think it depends massively on how long they’ll be staying. A few days - I’d not be best pleased. Coming for Xmas day lunch - fine.

I think it would be kind to invite her too. In my experience, families are often better when there is an outsider present. But don’t treat her like a special guest, she has to muck in with everyone and help.

Could you arrange a quick video call before just to take off some of the pressure and get to know her a bit?

I think it depends how big your house is, how long for, and how much graft DH does. For Xmas day I’d say yes for sure. The rest would depend.

I agree.

Id find it hard not be a bit 🤨 about someone who hasn't already made plans for Christmas with or without her new shag. It does seem a bit "sex before loved ones" at a generally "loved ones first" time of year. There must surely (hopefully)be people in her life more important to her than her boyfriends family that she hasn't even met.

I wonder if BiL.was sounding your DH out before suggesting it to her in case she had no plans - but will be gracious -nay pleased- if she is going to be with her nearest and dearest. Which seems less self-centred.

Of course we know absolutely nothing about her situation. I just think if they are desperate to spend.the time together because early relationship lust it's a bit cringe of them.

I'd not be happy at first but if he's just come out of a long relationship I'd be inclined to say ok.

I would be watching for excessive festive snogging though.

I'm in the more the merrier camp. It's a meal and a couple of hours with children and presents as distractions. There's not much can go wrong.
Check if she's a veggie or vegan, and make sure your bil is aware of your plan for the day - lunch at 1pm, then dog walk, board games etc so they know what to expect.

I wouldn't say no though,just to clarify

Sorry, I must be a real grouch but I would hate this. A complete stranger for who knows how long and potentially staying a few days! Yuk . Also incredibly cheeky the way BIL threw it in the conversation!

With nearly two weeks to go I wouldn’t call it unexpected but it is rude for him to say he might come and he may bring someone. He should tell you if they’re coming or not.

If its just the day time and you don't have to move bedrooms around to accommodate them, then I'd say fine. But do check she's not a gluten free vegan with a nut allergy or something. That would add to the hassle.

FWIW, DH and I hosted my sister's extremely new boyfriend last Christmas. We hadn't met him before but he'd have been on his own and we reckoned that it turned out to be awful, we could encourage them to leave after lunch. It worked out fine and they are still together. But I would not have invited them to stay - that would be a step too far.

My husband was divorced and invited his work colleague who he'd met in November (he'd come from India to work) to his family for Christmas then invited him and his wife a couple of Christmases later. I think it's lovely

Well he obviously likes her a lot to want to be with her on Christmas Day and she possibly doesn't have any other family nearby to spend the day with, so while I'd find it a bit strange and a slight imposition, I'd do the decent thing and just say yes. It's not going to kill you. Spirit of Christmas and all that. She might be absolutely lovely and spend the day playing with your children.