Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

Off topic, but I’m intrigued about who you count as your DH’s family. Because you keep saying his family are invited and then “MIL as well”. Who’s the rest of the family if not MIL and BIL?

I'm an introvert, and I love a quiet family Christmas. So on the face of it, I should be first in line saying yanbu.

But no. I think yabu. Sorry! You say you don't know her. Surely this is a perfect opportunity to get to know her? There will be so much focus on everything else, that it's kind of a low pressure environment for her. And I find the idea that he wants to invite her because he gets single baffling. Why would he feel single. He has a girlfriend!

You may be right, maybe she wouldn't want to come. In which case she will denied the invitation anyway.

I think it depends on the GFs circs though. My ex after a year of dating invited me to his sisters yearly Xmas do and I really enjoyed it having spent most Xmas’s alone. His family were def the ‘more the merrier type’ and it was just really nice to not be alone for a change and be part of the ‘real spirit’ of Xmas as it were without sounding cheesy 😊.

That said, if a new partner said his family didn’t like anyone other than close family/LT partners then I’d be fine with that also as I think it’s perfectly reasonable for people to prioritise the types of Christmases they want.

I'd be fine with this for them visiting for the day and in that respect would feel its the more the merrier. But I would be much less cool about an adult I don't know staying overnight in my kids home and would decline that aspect. So I'd say yes for the day but not to stay over and let them do as they see fit with that. But equally it's up to you and if you don't want to feel like you're hosting then fair enough. It's not unreasonable it just wouldn't personally bother me for them to be there on the day.

I would uninvite BIL on the grounds that he hasn't rsvp'd in a polite, straightforward or timely manner. He sounds evasive and rude af, so that would be a no thank you from me.

You have embellished OP's comment. Regardless, the OP and DH had agreed to invite a single BIL over to stay, not BIL + 1 stranger to stay several nights.

Your comment "The only one with bad manners would be the one inviting, but later saying: you are only invited alone. I am not family either, I am only the wife of your brother but I don't want to see your girlfriend" is weird and delusional. So OP is 'only the wife'., is she? Wow, how dare the wife, joint home owner, mother and host feel no objection to agreed plans being run roughshod over.

And yes, the point about space still stands, at the dinner table, with food catering and everything.

She wasn’t invited by the hosts, who are complete strangers to her. She got a second hand invitation from BIL, who has no authority to add to OP’s guest list. Any person of couth should realize that.

Showing up to spend several nights with no proactive invitation from the actual homeowners is tacky, classless behaviour.

It wouldn’t bother me unless they just turned up without saying anything

Very rude to just invite her like that.

Personally, I don't want a stranger at Christmas.

Yep.

Let him and the new gf make their own Christmas. He’s a clod to assume he can impose her on OP.

"Any person of couth" fantastic line....I'm borrowing that.

And is the BI's girlfriend suppposed to wait for a formal invitation on stiff cardboard written in longhand?

Or she reasonably assumed the invitation was from the host and delivered via BIL.

It's not uncouth to assume an invitation extended to you has come from the host and just passed on. It's not for her to question the BIL about whether the invitation was just from him off his own bat or not

I would go with "she's very welcome to come for Christmas lunch at Xpm, but she won't be able to stay over". That way you are hospitable but she's not there for present opening and not sleeping over.

Except the BIL can't even be arsed to say whether he is coming, let alone ask to bring a guest. Is he quite the ticket?

No way would I allow a stranger to turn up to meet me for the first time with an overnight bag! As an adult I don’t want a stranger staying over for the whole of Christmas and as a kid I also would have hated it.

If you’re the more the merrier type, fine, but think I’d make sure everyone (including the children) are comfortable with it. If not, it’s early enough to tell BIL either they’re welcome for dinner only, or not at all, whatever your decision is.

It’s one extra person. Everyone makes way too much food on Christmas Day with leftovers, do not that much of a trouble. We play games after resting out full tummies. Can be a right laugh with someone new in the mix.

My Dad once invited his sister over on Christmas Eve, without telling my mum who loves a carols, chocolate and feet up on the sofa evening, and she brought a new boyfriend and stayed till 3am.

She still references this now.

Agreed he's been annoyingly vague but that isn't the girlfriend's fault and saying she's behaving terribly by coming is very unfair to her.

Haha, this was my older sister when I was growing up.

Looking back, I have no idea how every one of her boyfriends somehow got persuaded not to spend Christmas Day with their own family rather than us, but my sister is quite the force of nature and I suspect they just didn't have the will to complain.

None of them were ever a problem, and it never felt intrusive somehow, even though most of my family are pretty introverted.

OP, I think what you need to remember is that if your BIL brings his girlfriend, she will be outlier and is likely, therefore, to be the the one who has to adapt to fit around everyone else. The chances are she'll be on her best behaviour and making an effort, and it's unlikely she'll be a difficult guest.

No, it’s not unfair. Decent people don’t show up to sleep four nights in a stranger’s home, without being invited by the hosts. If OP had wanted gf there, SHE would have suggested it.

The BIL has no standing to issue the invitation. The OP’s husband needs to have her back on this.

It’s four nights, not Christmas lunch.

Check dietary needs. We have a freezer full of vegan and gluten free "meats" and treats... the "kids" 23 and 25 pick up many waifs and strays all year round.

Surprised that so far, we only have a vegan boyfriend staying boxing day + a night or 2, and dh brother round for xmas dinner. Things may or may not change...

She'll probably decline, surely?

Also, if it is to stay over, imagine it was SIL wanting to bring an unknown (to OP) man into her house, where there are small DC, to stay overnight.
How many posters would be comfortable with that? Regardless this is an unknown adult ostensibly staying under her roof for at least one night - not many people would be happy about that.

I've never had anyone invited to my parents' home who was invited by them directly. Invitations are just passed on by the family member to the extra person.

If DH or SIL had waited for a formal invitation from my parents rather than a message passed on by me and my brother respectively they'd never have visited in 20 years.

We once spent two night over one Christmas at my brother's MIL's house. The Invitation came from SIL. I'd have been a right dick if I'd gone back to SIL to say "oh no I can't possibly accept this unless your mother formally invites me herself".