Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

I think BIL and H are being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to host a random at Christmas. I also wouldn't want to introduce my kids to someone that BIL hasn't been with for 5 minutes. Maybe if she's still about next year you might want to invite her. I'm sorry if it makes things difficult for H but his discomfort saying no is going to be less that your discomfort of hosting a stranger and your kids discomfort of having to be on their best behaviour.

This. He has presumably only known her a few months (maybe even weeks) and she’d be meeting everyone for the first time at Christmas Day - so weird.

Can you speak to him and say you’d love to meet her sometime in the New Year instead?

We once spent two night over one Christmas at my brother's MIL's house. The Invitation came from SIL. I'd have been a right dick if I'd gone back to SIL to say "oh no I can't possibly accept this unless your mother formally invites me herself".

That is so odd. Would you not message your host (she's doing Christmas!) and say, SIL has kindly invited us to yours. How lovely! We do hope that's OK. Please let me know and what you would like us to bring.
Or somesuch?

I couldn't turn up at someone's house without checking first. I wonder how many people answering with the chill vibes have actually hosted Christmas for a lot of people (and overnighters!)

Exactly.

Accepting secondhand invitations is always crass and wrong. Especially for multiple overnights!! One really wonders how some people were raised.

I think it’s a tricky one and can understand why you feel like you do! Just to give the other side of the story, when my now husband and I had been together for a few weeks his parents said I was welcome to spend Christmas with them. They live in another country and so we had to fly there and stay with them for several days. It also included his siblings, nieces, nephews, grandparents, etc. I was made to feel so welcome. I had an amazing time and we’ve have been together for 12 years and have our three young children so it can work out really well!

I’m with the OP here. She wants an easier Christmas with young children under 5 and that is not really compatible with having a stranger to stay. Christmas lunch is fine but I wouldn’t want anyone to stay overnight in a house of small children that I hadn’t met before. I’d want to be focusing on making a lovely Christmas for the kids and not worrying about the new girlfriend.

Appreciate that this may feel awkward if you're not used to it but saying no would be very weird in my family. We always lay an extra place for the unexpected guest whether one shows up or not, & have little tree gifts ready for any unexpected callers over the 12 Days.

The duty of hospitality to strangers is something we were brought up on & to deny it at Christmas of all times (no room at the inn, etc, etc) is unthinkable. My Nana would spin in her grave if I tried it.

As it's a new relationship though, if you do take her in make sure the mistletoe isn't somewhere where they might get in the way of normal household traffic! 😄

I'd be ok with them coming for Christmas lunch and staying the evening, but not overnight. I don't really like having strangers staying over, regardless of whether they're someone's bf/gf. Aside from that I wouldn't have the space anyway to have more than one guest/couple overnight, as I would refuse to use, or have anyone else use, the sofa at Christmas.

it's just different personality types. I have a friend if I said to her could I bring 6 other people with me somewhere she'd be like yeah and if they've got any kids dogs they are welcome as well and she would genuine mean it. her house is open house. Me, I would prefer the brother in law to have told me if he's coming before now even though it's a week way let alone for him to invite somebody else along with him.

are you and your husband splitting the work between you are you carrying the load and he'll just be meeting them at the door with a beer?

So you are cool with a stranger staying over for 4 days?

Like others, I’d be fine with them both coming for Xmas dinner and the few hours afterwards when you exchange presents, play games, watch a film or whatever it is you usually do. But staying one or more nights, absolutely no way.
I’d also want to know the reason why she doesn’t celebrate Xmas (but also can’t be left alone on what is a normal day for her) and whether that is going to impact your celebrations.

I'm a more the merrier type of person but I'd be a little put out by having someone in the house with my young children who I had never met before, 4 days is a long time if they don't fit in.. does MIL know her?

Can they not come on Christmas day after presents and stay till the 27th instead of 23rd-27th?

I'd find it awkward to say 'no', but I'd highly resent his assumption that he can just invite her along himself. If she'd only be there after presents and not sleeping over, I'd be fine with it, but for multiple days and there on Christmas morning, too? I'd really rather not. Even people you know you like can wear on you under those circumstances, if you're not an extroverted lover of houseguests. I'd prefer not to gamble my enjoyment of the entire Christmas experience this year on someone you've never met. But I'd still find it awkward to refuse!

Of course not. I rightly assumed SIL was inviting me on her behalf. If I were the host in that scenario and someone sent me that message I'd wonder why they didn't trust my daughter enough to have passed on an appropriate invitation and why they felt the need to check it out with me.

Urgh - just seen he expects to stay for several nights with her in your home. So highly likely to be a shagfest for them. Just no.

It’s fair enough to want Christmas to be spent as a family and not with your DBIL’s rebound. You want to be comfortable, not hosting a stranger. That was the whole point of staying home.

Given it’s over multiple nights and not just a Christmas Day pop in you absolutely have to say no!!

when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said I'm just making things difficult for him

Well, he shouldn't have given an open invitation like that without checking with you first. Your DH is embarrassed about having to retract or modify the offer? Tough shit. The thing is, you don't know yet if BIL is coming or not or if the non-Christmassy GF will accompany him but if you want to control this situation you need to get in touch soon and set the rules - lunch only, stay for less time, arrive later on the day, stay elsewhere, only BIL this time etc? Talk with your DH then contact BIL so everyone is clear.

I don’t think it’s really on to assume a “plus one” can stay over at your house, especially when kids are about. Not because of anything untoward, but because it’s obvious that someone outside the family staying over will impact you, so you ask first and well in advance.

You don’t just say “I might come and I might bring an extra guest”.

Whether you say yes or not depends on how you feel about these things!

Really? I’d think “good, at least she was raised with decent manners.”

In any event, BIL wasn’t authorized to extend an invitation on behalf of the OP. He put his brother on the spot asking to bring an extra. That’s always rude.

Exactly.

As if Christmas with small kids isn’t enough work for parents! BIL is extremely clueless and presumptuous.

Wouldn’t you? The OP has two children under 5 opening their presents on Christmas morning. OP is in her PJs and you’ve got a total bloody stranger plonked in the living room watching all the proceedings, how odd.

Yes. I agree BIL wasn't ok to issue an invitation in this instance. I still don't think it's the woman's job to query with the host whether he was authorised to invite her or not and it's perfectly reasonable for her to have assumed it was a proper invitation.

DB's MIL last year hosted her antipodean nephew and 4 of his mates who were travelling. Maybe all 4 of those guys messaged her individually to check the invitation as issued by nephew was genuine but I doubt it. And I'm pretty sure she'd have found it unnecessary to be getting so many queries.

Nope. They will be sex people.

Fine for lunch invitation but they can find hotel accommodation nearby.

Not unexpected, you have plenty of warning. It think it is unkind not to allow him a guest especially in these circumstances. DOn't host if you are this uncomfortable.

They will be sex people.

Not necessarily - but that made me laugh out loud, which thread did that originate from, its a while ago now??????