Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

exactly!

When you see family exchanging presents, even adults, you don't include yourself in the family and expect anything. Guests get a book and chocolates, or some other token present especially if you don't know them well or at all, that's normal.

Hang on, so now I read that she doesn’t celebrate Christmas and it’s to stay over.

That’s a no from me then. If you had met her and knew in advance without the pressure of “let’s see who we’d be inviting’ feel, it might be different.

No harm in you phoning BIL and say, leave it for Xmas. Maybe you could all meet the new lady in the new year and take it from there.

If he starts piling on nonsense I would have no qualms about telling him straight that he had no business assuming anything, and for future reference, he should ask you first.

As an aside OP, I have noticed myself lately being far more direct and honest (always polite though) about the picture as I see it. I have noticed it is well received, feels good, and I respect myself for it.

If I’m dating a man who has been divorced for under a year, I’m not introducing myself for the very first time as an add-on overnight guest at the family’s biggest religious celebration of the year (that I myself don’t celebrate).

I mean, I wouldn’t want a random to turn up to stay at my house for Christmas, join in with present opening, need to be hosted for days. But lunch, yes. If she’s spending it with some guy she just started dating instead of with her own friends and family, it’s possible she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Have her for lunch. It’s Christmas after all. But no to hosting the Christmas shag fest in your guest room. They can come for the meal and then depart.

Ah, it's the season of goodwill. Let her come along.

I would be fine with him bringing her to the day but would find it irritating and inconvenient for her to stay. You are not completely unreasonable.

Fine for lunch, but not if they want to stay

I would say no. He clearly didn’t think it’s through, put it mildly. 🙂
You are going to have very kids oriented Christmas. if he wants to enjoy time with her he should change his plans and do something with her.

It's not just a meal though - it's sleeping in OP's house for up to 4 days

He should have asked rather than assumed.

I wouldn’t like this either. Totally different ball game if they had been together a while and you’d met before. For me it’s the fact they’ve literally just met and you don’t know her. It has the potential to be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. He also has no idea how long this relationship will even last, she might be a flash in the pan. Why is she wanting to spend it with him and your family too, where are her family??

It’s the men that are the problem here! Husband shouldn’t think you’re being difficult. And why can’t BIL just spend Christmas with his new partner in one of their homes? He could have just declined the invitation and said he was seeing someone. I don’t think Christmas Day is the right time to be introduced to a new partner. I mean it’s not the end of the world or anything but it seems a bit selfish, I wonder if the partner even wants to come, I wouldn’t want to meet anyone new on Christmas Day in their house, I would find it really awkward I would want a soft launch first - Christmas Day can be a bit stressful. I’m not sure what you can do now though if your husband it okay with it, I think you’ll have to suck it up if you don’t want to argue with him. Hopefully the new partner is really annoying to your husband, think opposing political opinions haha.

Not to stay over, no. Will there be lots of sex going on?!

I think it's the fact that they will be staying over at OP's house for several days is the problem - It's not just Christmas lunch.

Ive known this situation a lot and to me it seems quite normal. Christmases were always a juggle with different guests and it usually worked out well. It will probably be fine but if you are really worried about it then dont do it. Im sure it wont spoil the dynamic though. They are probably loved up and will enjoy going off for walks and things like that. Also she might become your SIL and not inviting her might not be a good way to start.

Absolutely no way would i have a stranger sleeping under my roof on Christmas Eve or Christmas night.

Nip this in the bud immediately. They can get a hotel or stay home.

And it’s only 12 Dec, you’ve got ages yet to sort things out, make BILs Christmas!

I would not have a stranger staying overnight in my home at Christmas. No way.

YANBU.

Your BIL doesn't just get to decide to bring someone.

DH should tell him there isn't room.

Where’s the goodwill toward the OP?

If the girlfriend had any character she wouldn’t accept a second hand invitation to stay in the home of strangers over Christmas. How low-class!!

Why is it OP's job 'to make BIL's Christmas'?

That’s made me feel really sad for your daughter. I’ve already posted but I hadn’t read that she’ll be staying Christmas Eve etc. I think I’ve changed my mind and that you should contact BIL and explain what you have on here to him, that you can’t wait to meet her in the New Year but that he needs to rethink his plans. Surely she’s going to say no to waking up Christmas morning at someone else’s house that she’s never met? This update made me think of all the posters that get ripped to shreds because they want their long term partner to move into their home. There are dozens of comments about how the children should come 1st, they should be able to walk around the house in their PJ’s, shouldn’t have to spare their space (even with men that they’ve met many times) and feel comfortable etc etc. Christmas is a special time and everyone slouches around a bit don’t they, eating too much, PJ’s until noon etc. I think use this to fuel your conversation with BIL. I think your husband is a bit weak for not agreeing with you, I get that he was put on the spot but he could be saying ‘in hindsight, I wonder how the kids will feel with a literal stranger watching them open their presents.’ Men.

Surely what your DBIL should have done is asked if he could bring his new squeeze not just make the assumption he can saying he might come and bring her. I would say no on that basis and tell him why

How on earth is graciously accepting an invitation at face value low-class? It's a nice and normal invitation to make so why wouldn't it perfectly reasonable to accept it.

I don't get this gatekeeping Christmas as so precious it can't be shared with anyone unless you've known them a specific amount of time

If it were me I'd ask them not to bring a plus one, as we're keeping it just family. But we look forward to meeting her next time.