DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

There's very little you can do given her age but I would be concerned too.

The main reason being if her future children are born in the Middle East, they are citizens and if the relationship doesn't work out she may have no option but to stay in a country wherevher ex husband is the only connection he has to the place.

Where is he from? I'd be asking her to consider how women/wives are treated and respected within that country and culture, so she goes in with eyes wide open.

Which country is he from OP? And what does he do? In middle eastern cultures, men pride themselves on being the breadwinners/providers. Before your DD takes any further steps she needs to talk to him about what she wants to do career wise. It will only work if both are on the same page.

He is from Qatar and works in Finance. I'll be honest I need to do some research on what life in Qatar is like exactly, which laws apply and so forth as I never really imagined DD would move to Qatar, or at least not less than 2 years into a relationship!

Oh… I’m sorry, but it’s important that she isn’t contradicted in a way that makes her feel attacked. At the same time, you do need to sit down with her and be clear. If the culture is very different, then it’s quite likely she may not feel comfortable or happy in the long run. The Middle East is not something to take lightly, and women are often not treated well. I’m sorry, but this is my opinion, based on the experiences of people who have lived with such different ideas and culture compared to Europe — and I don’t think it’s a good idea.

They have also been together for a very short time. Beyond the age difference, please don’t leave her alone with this, so she doesn’t make a youthful mistake that could lead to regret and tears.

I am with you as a mother — I support you and I wish you the very best, because as mothers we only want what is best for our daughters.

Hmmm. This is so tricky. In terms of ages and situations, I was similar. Engaged exceptionally quickly in late teens, married at 21. Pregnant shortly after. In hindsight (wonderful thing) - it was utterly stupid! Miraculously, it's worked out and we're still together over two decades later. However, it's been insanely tough. And that's without the huge pressure that you're saying about the Middle East. I'm sure she is hugely underestimating her decisions. As we know, we change as we get older. I think you need to question and have discussion but ultimately let her know the decision is hers. And you'll be there to support, whether good or bad.

has your daughter visited his country?
im afraid it a bit controlling
your dd is intelligent … maybe this is right for her.

Have you discussed what she (independently from her relationship) aspires to… or more simply, sees herself doing in 2, 5, 10, 20 years? What she might want for future children. This might be a way of thinking together through comparable values.

I do not think you should assume there’s a major issue here but there is a lot to explore (for them) in terms of shared values. It is important she understands his parents values / expectations (and whether he agrees with them or not).

She has visited twice, once in August then a week or so ago when he took her to the F1 race and proposed. She said she liked it, but I often feel 4/5 day visits to a place don't actually give you a good representation of living there.

Or worse, she may not have the option of staying in the country post-divorce, but also wouldn’t have the option of taking the children back to the UK.

Women in Qatar face a system of
male guardianship laws and practices that significantly restrict their autonomy, although they have made strides in education and the workplace. Human rights organizations report ongoing legal discrimination in family law, personal status matters, and freedom of movement.
Key Areas of Women's Rights in Qatar

• Male Guardianship: Adult women are effectively treated as legal minors in many aspects of their lives. A male guardian (father, husband, brother, or other male relative) must grant permission for women to engage in education for example

I’d definitely get her to research women’s rights in Qatar as a non Muslim especially when you marry a Qatari man as it’s governed under Family law in that country and she would be living there as a dependent of her husband and if relationship didn’t work, she would be asked to leave the country immediately and if they had kids he would most likely get guardianship so kids would stay with him. Feel for you.

3.
Leaving Qatar

• A woman cannot simply leave Qatar with her children if custody is not granted by a Qatari court.
• Taking children out of Qatar without the father’s consent or a court order can be considered kidnapping under Qatari law.
• She would need a Qatari court order allowing her to travel with her children.

I’d be freaking out. Can you hire a specialist solicitor to explain how she could be jeopardizing the freedom of herself and any children?

Please please make her aware of the male guardianship system

There is some FCDO guidance on Qatar, OP.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/living-in-qatar

I’n guessing its a country where he can legally have more than one wife?

My husband works on The Hague Conventions (enforcement, attracting more countries to sign them etc) and Qatar is NOT a signatory to the 1980 one on child abduction. So yes, he would agree with your husband and tell your daughter to be extremely wary. He has seen the consequences too many times of women not knowing what they are getting into.

Talk her out of it if you possibly can.

FYI most countries operate on a jus sanguinis basis (you get citizenship based on the nationality of your parents), not a jus soli one (citizenship based on where you are born). Qatar is just sanguinis so please don’t throw inaccuracies around in what is a very serious situation for the OP. Any children of the OP’s daughter and her new husband will be both Qatari and British (unless this is the second generation born outside the U.K., which it doesn’t sound like it would be).

To add to my previous post, the good news is that Qatar has apparently applied to become a member of HCCH (this year!) but it will take time before they are signatories of any of the conventions:
www.hcch.net/en/news-archive/details/?varevent=1062

Oh, I would SO be airing my opinion. I would also have something to say to my DD if she gave up work so early to be an SAHM.

I would start preparing for when it all goes wrong and she moves back with you and tries to convince herself there were no red flags, let us guess she thinks a magic wand will be waved and he will let her return home with all the kids?

Chances are she won’t like the Middle East if she’s active and sporty. Beg her to try living there for a year before getting married and having children.

I would tell her that from age 21 - 30 you change so much as a woman so if she can hold off marriage and children for a few years she will know she’s doing the right thing when she makes those choices. Remind her it’s your job as her mum to offer her your experience.