DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

Sorry I missed that fundamental point.

There are jobs she could potentially do - TEFL for example, but it’s going to seem to her much simpler to get married.

I would say that is something of an understatement.
I would be deeply concerned for my daughter, OP

He’s trapping her. Taboos and social mores and our cultural belief in ‘Romance’ mean we hesitate to speak out about this. But that is what is really happening and you need to do everything you can to stop it. Trust your judgement. You are absolutely correct.

It sounds like she's been indoctrinated by all the "trad wife" crap that's circulating online. I'd also be very worried. I would be looking at the laws in wherever she plans to live in relation to women and children and what happens if they separate. I'd be making sure she knows the law. Other than that, there's not much you can do.

How did all her other adult relationships go? Does she have good experience in choosing partners?

And how do your future in-laws feel about this situation? When do you get to meet them?
Invite them to stay before the wedding.

Get granular about the details.

She needs to be fully aware of having children abroad with a foreign national. If things go wrong she would likeky not be allowed to bring children back to the UK.

It's not about Islam, it's about women's rights in Qatar specifically. These are not the same across all Muslim countries, for example the existence of the guardianship system, which completely removes women's autonomy as seen in many high profile examples. Under that, it actually will no longer be her life to do what she wants with.

As an aside, dismissing women's concerns as 'pearl clutching' is borderline misogyny.

OP, I wouldn't mind betting she knows very little about what she'll be taking on - I think I would be asking her questions in an uncritical, interested way about her conversion to Islam, assumption of traditional practices, attire etc.

I would definitely be making sure she has thought about all the implications of this decision, particularly if she has DC out there and then the relationship fails.

You want the best for her. 21 is so young to be getting married, particularly after less than 1 year.

I would be encouraging her to travel, getting a career before marriage & DC

watch ‘not without my daughter with her’
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At least suggest to her that if her husband is right for her, he would agree for them to live here to begin their married life and while their children are small, so that she can have you around for support. If he says that’s out of the question, maybe she might reconsider, especially if you and she together go through the ins and outs of living in Qatar (and perhaps some of the threads in the relationship forum on here, as to those who’ve never experienced a controlling relationship they can be quite eye opening).

How many wives does he already have?

Sorry but if she is living in Qatar her life will NOT be hers to do as she chooses. She may have no rights in relation to any children she has and very few rights independently of her husband.

I feel for you OP my own daughter has made adult choices that are very difficult but at the end of the day your influence is limited.

Ask loads and loads of questions about life practicalities and what the religion and laws will mean for her. Asking is so much more effective than telling as you will make her think and question in a way she may not have done yet.

Good luck

True ,,my son went in army at 16 so left home ,but my daughter is 25 lives at home and can't book a GP appointment without direction 😩🤷.
I still couldn't imagine my son being emotionally mature enough to marry and have that responsibility of children .

Icurrently supporting my DD through a break up

I know a dozen women in similar situations. The worst one was alienated from her sons by her (now ex) husband dripping poison into their ears while bringing them up in one of the most misogynistic countries in the ME. Her in-laws were pure evil. She was a 22 year old nurse, fresh out of college, in her first job in the ME and he showered her in attention and jewellery and false promises.

After 35 years she has nothing - no money, career, not even her children. She didn't see her parents or siblings for 14 years. She missed seeing her nieces and nephews grow up. She works as a house mother in a boarding school (because she doesn't have a house) and sofa-surfs in the holidays. Her three sons have not spoken to her in nearly a decade. She doesn't know if she has grandchildren.

At 21 you often think you know it all but in reality you don’t! I would be very concerned that she doesn’t fully understand the consequences of what she is getting into. Aside from all the issues regarding culture and religion others have raised, being a housewife/SAHM in a foreign country can be very lonely and isolating. The reality of not working is also very boring and frustrating for many people once the novelty has worn off. Your DD sounds quite ambitious and focussed, will she really be happy with this sort of lifestyle? Would she be able to work out there if she wanted to?

She might not like it there. Has she visited the country before?

You've had some very good (and some bad) advice on here OP. I don't blame you for being worried. I think the first post nailed it on how to emotionally handle things with your daughter. You don't have to cheerlead this but equally don't try to but up barriers as they will just fail.
Somebody mentioned upthread that marriage there is a contact and she can have things written into it. Check if this is true, if it is, advise her to use it and add -

1. She's allowed to work and keep her own money.
2. There will be no restrictions on travel for her or any children.
3. If the marriage breaks up, her and any children will move to the UK.
4. A dowry will be paid and deposited in a UK bank for her (escape fund).
5. Anything else relevant (second wife, you can visit anytime, etc)

Now, this 'contract' might actually not be worth the paper it's written on, but it's something. I suppose it's a bit like a prenup. Also, he may refuse these terms which might say something about him that opens her eyes.

Finally, we shouldn't ignore the fact that this marriage might work out and could bring them both huge happiness. Fingers crossed for that. But if I were you OP, I'd be shitting myself as well.

That's what I did, OP, away from my parents, although I never wanted or had kids. At the age 24 I moved to another country and got married. 22 years later, good marriage, best decision ever made.
I don't think you can practically do much, even if my parents somehow stopped me, I would feel they robbed me of a chance. Adult is an adult.

I'm not sure, but I doubt she'd be able to live there WITH the fiancé.

She's obviously being extremely naiive at best. 10/11 months is not enough time to truly know somebody. He may seem nice and caring to her now but that could easily be a ploy to convince her to move, and then his true self will come out.

Could it be the case that she's just not ambitious and doesn't want to work? He presumably works and she's studying, so does he spoil her alot with dinner, nights out etc and she enjoys having someone who will pay for everything? Perhaps she naively thinks she'll be able to socialise to the same extent over it Qatar, which clearly won't be the case.

Why don't you research the country with her... take an interest in the culture.
She needs to discover the laws, rules and culture for herself... you can't whack her with facts.

I'm not sure as a young woman with freedoms and rights she will be too keen on giving all that up and living a life of servitude.

She needs to know. If she has children and ever wants to bring them back to the UK without permission - she will not be allowed. She will be arrested.

Where's the edit option???

I understand that Quatar is a concern. That changes it a lot.
Best of luck, please support your daughter with your knowledge.

Why even wait until August. What's the point in her doing her MSci if she only plans to 'maybe do some coaching' but actually intends to go straight into having children?

I think it's difficult for many young women TBH.She is probably starry eyed from this romance, and hasnt really thought about the long term implications!Have you met him yet? does he seem supportive and respectful of her.I think many young women have seen us "do it all", and think hmm not for me. so the lure of a comfortable life abroad can be heady .She is also keen to start her family ,It seems young to me as well but you can only advise .At 21 she is an Adult .I would try to keep it cool ,as she may get upset if you come over too strong .This may make her less likely to come to you with any issues later on