DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

OP this is difficult. I lived in Qatar for about 10 years. Lots of positives however is she aware of the negatives. Summer weather is brutal! You simply cannot spend time outside.

Also it is a very different culture. Marrying a Qatari I presume she will convert to Islam. Also she will wear Abia and follow the expectations of Qatari women. What type of lifestyle does she expect to have. Also her children will be Muslim. Does she fully understand this and what this means? No Christmas or any other non Islamic celebrations. All women from different cultures I met who had married Qatari men had become Muslim and closely followed the religion and culture.

I ask this as you don’t mention it. I am not saying she shouldn’t convert I am just saying does she fully understand what marrying him means for her life including her spiritual life. Being from the UK which is quite a secular country it can be difficult to realise the central role religion plays in other parts of the world. I met women married to Middle East men who had happily converted and fully followed the religion. My question is though does she want to do this and be committed to a very different way of life? Or does she assume she will live a western life style there?

Her future husband may live a very western life here. But once he returns to Qatar the pressures to be more traditional will be there. I met and befriended many wonderful Qataris who have my utmost respect. As a wife marrying in is she aware of the cultural differences and the expectations on her as a woman and mother in that culture?

Best wishes to her and as they say in Qatar Inshallah she will make the right decisions.

Yes and it is ok to live in a bubble but if anything goes wrong what pressue will it put on other people when they have to rescue you?

I think she foolhardy to go to live near in-laws that she hasn't spent time with. And he is Muslim, she needs to ask for a dowry. A dowry will be her own source of wealth within the marriage, while he would need to supply all needs, even if she works. It would be a good idea to talk to an imam.

Visiting Qatar as a tourist/guest for sporting events is a very different experience to living/working there. These events are sports washing efforts to improve public opinion and make it easier for their governments to do business internationally.

Even for those just attending/working at these events, Qatar is notoriously stricter than most. Living there permanently and marrying is a whole different ball game.

You can't stop her, but you must make sure she has a full understanding of the rights she will be giving up if she goes through with this, and the impact that may have on her and any children she has moving forward.

Oh, for Muslims, marriage is a contract. One lady I know put in that her husband had to provide her with someone to do the housework, as is a scholar. Your daughter would need to think about her dowry and what she is going to want from the marriage for the contract to be drawn up.

To me, the “moving to Qatar” part is the biggest worry. If this was solely about her wanting to get married and have babies young, I’d say you were unreasonable, but moving to Qatar brings in a whole new set of potential risks. So YANBU.

This reads disaster in the making. How is your daughter’s relationship with her own father?

It's her life to do with as she chooses. it sounds like he is well-educated and wealthy, and you don't seem to have any reservations about him. She'll barely be 40 when her children are off to university, and whether she stays with him or not, she'll have her whole life ahead of her.

There also seems to be a lot of pearl clutching about her children being raised as Muslim in a way there wouldn't be about another religion, and it's bordering on prejudice.

I would be very concerned too OP.

I have a DD in the same age bracket who just walked away from 1.5 year long relationship in which she thought he was the one.

I had concerns from the start of the relationship and knew it would not end well.

I just had to be there in the sidelines to be her support when the time came.

I would definitely have the conversation so that your dd is aware of the culture she will be marrying into, Maybe she has not put that much thought into this as she is so distracted by the fancy lifestyle being offered.

So the OP is not moving to a muslim country? this is all happening at home in the UK? otherwise no I dont see how it is the same

And the old line ''it's your life do want you want' again is all good if you manage it all yourself and not have to have other pick up the pieces and it affect their life to help

no different to a 14 year old saying ''mum I want a baby and I am having one it is my life i will do what I want by the way you are looking after the baby while I stay in school' and we are living with you''

I would suggest she actually visit the country she would be moving too, before they get married. Maybe even for an extended stay so she can get a feel for what life would be like.

I did a very very similar thing. I got married at 19 and moved to live abroad with my husband at 20, and had a baby at 21. It's working out for me, but I'm in a European country.

I would be much more concerned about my rights, if I was considering moving to a middle eastern country.

People are pointing out the facts. We all know how women are treated in countries like Qatar and as it’s been pointed out further up the thread the male guardianship laws they have are concerning and totally different to anything that a 21 year old British woman has experienced. It’s not prejudice to point out the huge differences that she’ll experience if she moves to that country.

If she gets divorced, she may never see her children again.

I’d be worried too if my DD came home and said this after studying hard. I think you can point out all those concerns but in a gentle way. I doubt it will change her mind but i’d be encouraging her to establish her own career first. I guess though her new husband may see it as perfectly normal to support them both but i’d be disappointed in my own very smart DD gave up on a career before she even started to have DC young (and I was a young mum myself).

I was a later mum 34/36 and I had a very full life before kids being single, career, travel and it was the best thing as it meant I was ready to stop all of that and focus on them when they were born. She has been planning and working towards the same goal/life and in a short time has done a u turn to say nope kids now? To pop out kids with an older man abroad?? With no family or support network? Major major red flags!!
I’m hoping she’s offloaded all this cos she’s hoping you’ll be horrified and stage an intervention. I’d be tempted to take - actually I would take her passport as a sign of how wrong it all sounds. Definitely no flippin way.

But why would any of that matter 'she is in love'

I think you absolutely could have a blunter word about women's rights in his country. That's not criticising him or their relationship (which is much more likely to prompt decensiveness etc).

I would ask her what she knows about her rights there first - that way you can tell if she is sleepwalking into this.

I’d be concerned that an adult at any age would be willing to marry and move to a country that is markedly different from their own.

How will she know the following:-

if she likes the way of life in that country
the family are welcoming
being away from her own family (red flag)

She is being thrust into a stage of life many young people do not commit to until later 20s early 30s with a man she has not known for very long really outside a university romance

Show her this thread? Maybe postpone plans for a cooling off period

No way would I allow my daughter to marry a Middle Eastern man and then move to his home country . I’d be doing everything in my power to stop this .

"no different to a 14 year old saying ''mum I want a baby and I am having one it is my life i will do what I want by the way you are looking after the baby while I stay in school' and we are living with you''

It's very different...

This is the same for any country though, including the UK. Nobody can just unilaterally remove children from their country of residence, without permission.

Having said that, I would be concerned too. Moving to the ME and having children there, is very different to moving somewhere in the EU.

Curious as to how you would stop a 21 year old doing what she wanted?

Leaving aside the difficulties with moving to a new country and taking on a new religion I’d be having a heart to heart about making such big decisions with such a new relationship.

I always tell my DC about the two year ‘rule’. It’s takes that long for lust and excitement to die down and reality to hit. will be a bit late for her if she’s in Qatar with a baby at that point and wants something different.

Op, I would be worried for my daughter being 21 marrying a 28 year old man after less than a year of dating regardless of his nationality or religion. In some cases it works very well and the couple have a great story to tell. In others it gets horribly wrong. Keep the lines of communication open but you will be walking a tight rope. Please do not base your discussions on biases (I see people pearl clutching and saying "does she realise she will not celebrate Christmas or non islamic celebrations". Believe it or not, billions of people don't and are ok with that). Perhaps suggest she live there a year before having children. Package it as an opportunity to learn the culture so she is better able to support her children and integrate. That way she will get to also know her beau better before kids.
I married a white person and it took me ages to even sleep with him because am from black and its not unusual for white men to come the global south to get a submissive wife or simply someone to use as a sex pet. We then dated for almost a decade as I build my career and lived my independent life, half of that time living in different countries. We then married and lived in my country before I moved here. I would have done similar even with a man in my country. Get to know him for a time before committing. It's not a guarantee but yes 21 with a few months under the built is just so so quick