DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

Just glad i have sons TBH

Hi all, I had a lovely long phone call with DD this evening (she called me and brought it up). We discussed some of the realities and looked at some websites/articles. She mentioned that she hasn't really given up running but has told her partner she has as "he worries too much about injury", we discussed how this could be viewed as toxic and she should never marry a man she lies to, to continue hobbies. She seemed less certain at the end of the call and said she would need to think about it and talk to him.

His other wives probably don't get a chance to go running either.

Horrible control.

She doesn’t need to talk to him as he will just cajole her “baby I’m worried about your safety because I love you” etc.

She needs to take a bit step back and do a lot of research about what she’s actually getting into. A few websites is not enough.

On the basis of the running think I think you also should flag information about controlling relationships.

Well done.

I very briefly dated one of these twats. He was 'concerned for my safety' and was discouraging me from doing sports that required physical contact with men. I binned him off.

Would you encourage her to read this thread to highlight you and others views. I really hope she reconsiders. I can understand your concerns.

It’s possible he enjoys Western culture on his own terms, but has no plans to reject his own culture or family values.

Many such cases.

@Thatonesong
I asked, earlier, does she have any good mates? What do they think about it?

not that I’m a doctor (nor is he) but I wonder does his view find tennis not conducive to making babies (which I believe is medically untrue anyways).. also, running in 40/50% wouldn’t be any fun!

It's fine in winter - there's even a marathon:

https://dohamarathonooredoo.com/en/

Still seems a … bit hot?

You'd think, but the locals all wear puffy winter jackets in December and January!

She mentioned that she hasn't really given up running but has told her partner she has as "he worries too much about injury"

It sounds like a productive discussion, OP, but on the above I'd bet good money that, unless he's very liberal, the real objection lies in the amount of her body which will be on show if she runs in shorts

I admire the way you couched this around lying to a partner, but I hope she's realised this would be a lot more difficult once among his own culture, and the dangers she could face if she tries it?

She has twice visited Qatar in the space of a few months and one of these visits was for the F1 event - I expect she's dazzled by the wealth, and the apparent glitz and glamour she's experienced there. She needs a bit of a reality check.

And these averages include nighttime. Human life was not intended to persist under such conditions….

If she is really determined the best course of action might be to move to Qatar with him or go for an extended stay BEFORE committing marriage/children

if the partner’s intention were genuine he’d accept this (and hopefully dd was realise how naive she was in the meantime). I suspect he would not be happy with this and that might be cause for more thought

you need to point her in the direction of the guardianship laws swiftly. Is that really what she wants?

I very much doubt that any Qatari man would live together with the DD in Qatar without marriage.

Your DD is coming to the end of her studies, has probably caught a case of fear of the uncertainty of the future, and is relieved that it is now all settled. Move abroad (away from current reality), someone else 'takes care' of her, she settles into motherhood, problems and decisions are in the rear view mirror.

I share your worry here. This has red flags all over it.

Would she be open to a cast iron prenuptial? Would her fiancé? Are prenups even enforceable in Qatar?

The best way to help her get over this would be for her to get a great job in her field asap, but I'm guessing she won't even bother looking for one now that her future is assured, in her mind.

Or maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too?

Enjoy the bits of western culture than enhance his freedom, but live in a place where his future wife and children would only enjoy the freedoms he permitted then to have...

I am not sure why this man is being berated for going back to his home country where he will have a better standard of life? Isn't that what all Boriswave immigrants are being told to do? He can't win.
That doesn't mean OP's Dd should marry him. But he is hardly alone in preferring not to live in a high tax low wage economy with no health care.

Is he conservative? Try and find out his views on women’s rights, and ask your dd to try living there for at least a year before having any kids.
What part of Turkey is he from OP? There’s a huge huge difference in culture between the likes of Istanbul and South East Turkey.

Oooos apologies I thought he was Turkish.

"Worries about injury"? Yes, God forbid she might pull a feckin' muscle!

This is proof positive the man is hideously controlling even whilst she's in the UK, where she still has free agency.

If she marries him and moves to Qatar, frankly - she's lost.

Agree with PP. I think DD being skimpily dressed (as an athlete) in front of other people, especially men, is closer to the truth than adorable over-concern about the possibility of her injuring herself. I think DD may know this deep down.

You're taking the right approach OP. Gently presenting possibilities that all might not be what it seems.

I haven’t got any further than this post yet so apologies if my reply is out of date but my ex lived in Qatar and my neighbour is Qatari and NO. Just no. I don’t have enough space to quantify my point but women are treated like utter shite. My neighbour lives here, her husband lives in Qatar still with his other wives…. She was beaten, controlled, not allowed to wear her own clothes, had to cover her ankles, shoulders, hair and half of her face and women couldn’t leave the house without their ‘men’