DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

Absolutely look at the laws. would your daughter be receptive to a discussion about the reality of the laws?

international-divorce.com/qatar_child_custody/#:~:text=The%20Qatari%20family%20law%20allows,as%20Muslims%20in%20order%20to

Qatari law provides for enormous limitations on a mother’s right to custody if she is non-Muslim

Qatari law provides that if a mother remarries she is automatically subject to the loss of her rights to custody of the child (unless she marries the father’s brother or another close relative of the child). (Qatar Family Law, Article 168)).

Qatari law provides that a women’s testimony is equal to half of a man’s.

Qatari law expressly provides that a mother who is Muslim has far greater custodial rights than a mother who is not a Muslim. The Qatari family law allows a Muslim mother to have custody of a child until the child is 13 (if a boy) or 15 (if a girl) (Qatar Law, Article 173) but it permits a non-Muslim mother to have custody only until the child is 7 (Qatar Law, Article 175) and even then she must raise the children as Muslims in order to retain custody. (Articles 173 and 175 of the Qatari Family Law)).

Qatari law expressly provides for a mother who renounces Islam to lose all rights of custody over her children. (Qatar Family Law, Article 175).

I think you'll find I "didn't throw inacccuracies around in what is a very serious situation for the OP".

If you bothered to check you might have realised that the OP had only mentioned the Middle East when I posted. Qatar was only confirmed later.

The irony!

Oh my God, she is really making a mistake and I know because I made the same one! Thankfully the marriage broke down shortly after we got married and we didn't have kids. Looking back i think I must have been INSANE, but you know it was LOVE and that felt so big at 21.

I would be supportive of the wedding/ relationship but ask if they can live here and get married under UK law at least. Support him with VISA application if needed. Also having a child at 21... it is too young!! Waiting even a few years wont make an ounce of difference to her energy levels etc. Try and encourage her to see sense focusing on the practical things not the relationship

So would I. She’d be throwing her life away

I’d talk through with her calmly, respectfully and neutrally the problem that if the relationship breaks down she won’t be able to bring her kids back here, she will have to stay in Qatar indefinitely and there are circs in which she can lose custody.

I’d also mention the difficulty of parenting how she wants to in the bosom of a big Muslim family who expect a child to be brought up in the way of the rest of the family. She potentially may not have much of a voice.

She’s an adult! There’s literally nothing OP can do apart from warn her of all the practical consequences.

Based on reality of the Qatari legal system.

Some very valid points here op

I had my baby in my mid 20s and I’d matured so much since my early 20s. I’d be concerned about her moving to the Middle East or even him wanting to go back to the ME. Women have poor or non existent human rights and the dad ‘owns’ the children. He can keep the children away from the mum and the country’s law approves of this. If she converts to Islam then she might have to wear a Burqua and has to follow Sharia Law.

Muslim mothers are allowed to have custody of male children until they are 13 or female children until they are 15 unless the court rules otherwise.
Non-Muslim mothers are allowed to have custody until children are 7 if they raise them as Muslims.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/family-law-in-qatar/family-law-in-qatar

I can understand your concern.

I would encourage your daughter to take her time and to visit her boyfriend's home country for longer than she has previously, ie stay there for a while, before making any commitment.

She's very young, they are obviously in love but such things can change, we all know that.

What is he like, do you like him?

I'd just advise caution, there is no rush surely.

visitqatar.com/intl-en/plan-your-trip/fast-facts?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23031890045&gbraid=0AAAAAoZtWDss4WImYrCQWEYWWKTjWntcX&gclid=Cj0KCQiA9OnJBhD-ARIsAPV51xPocuVd1Z3Hvi3sM0uRp1kq_mlSe_piUHurFPQ3OF6uiVuwPL19SuMaAqXsEALw_wcB

My kids are this age and I would be horrified. We are a family where everything is spoken about immediately. I would have no hesitation in telling them my concerns, as well as showing them how much I love them and will be there for them no matter what. The children after divorce thing is huge and she needs to really think about this.

Research research is my opinion. Find out what the countries laws, customs and culture is. It's likely your daughter hasn't given any thought to her independence or rights as a woman or that of any children. You need to lay this information out to her. Her future husband could reassure her at this point, tell her that he doesn't agree with certain aspects of his culture - they marry and suddenly his view point changes. All too often you hear of similar stories - whirlwind romance, all hearts and flowers, moving to the ME, marriage, children and suddenly it dawns on the woman she's trapped in the marriage and the country. I don't think it's uncommon for ME men to have a wife to provide babies and the home life, and he takes up mistresses along side of that too. Marriage is not necessarily viewed in the same way as it is in Western culture. In your shoes, I'd be extremely worried. You can't stop her, but make sure she goes into it with ALL the information you can give her.

This will be one of the biggest mistakes and regrets of her life if she goes ahead with it. Honestly, she needs her rose tinted glasses knocked off her face. He has love bombed her and blinded her with a fake picture of what it could be like. She will be so isolated out there. Do all you can to open her eyes to it.

Agree op 21 is young esp these days ,some ppl even still get child benefit up till 21 .
Is this first serious long term relationship do you like her partner or is he giving red flag vibes possibly love bombing etc ?
Having children that quickly also is mistake in this situation.

I agree. Research, and have an informed discussion covering all the different aspects - cultural, legal, social, personal, environmental etc.

I don’t think you can tell her not to do it but show her the facts. At 21 is likely she could rebel if you try and parent her. I would print off all the info regarding laws and children/divorce. That way she is aware. Has she even visited the country. That would be a good place for her to start. How does she feel if he is able to have multiple wives?

Depends on the person. My son is the same age, applied to one of the armed forces while ant uni and now doing officer training. A person less likely to run off to get married in Qatar to have kids there could not be.

Well, I assume you are 'happily' going to wherever it is for many visits and holidays to meet the new inlaws - who might not be too happy at this plan either.
DD needs to see what life is like there for women and wives. Probably quite westernised but the husband will rule the roost I would think.
I would make at least 2 visits before the wedding so DD knows what she is heading for. Things like how many western born women do her future sisters-in law mix with? Or will she only spend time with family and other muslim wives, only. Are her SILS working? Will she be allowed to work by her DH.
It looks like what she wants in life now is about to be fulfilled by her plans - but an older non-working woman in her 30s/40s stuck in the ME to be with DCs could be stifling.
Did SILs go to uni? Would any future DD be allowed to?

I’d encourage her to go and live with him in Qatar for a year or so before she makes a decision.

Don't forget she may not even have the option to stay if she is not married to a citizen. She may have to leave, without any children.

she can't- cohabitation is illegal and if she's not married to him she won't be able to get a visa. She could live separately from him and get her own working visa but it would be quite difficult given lack of work experience.

I would also be asking her exactly what type of marriage she will have - will it be in the UK and legally recognised as a marriage here, or a Muslim religious ceremony only?

Is he related to the Q royal family. If he has a well paid job in fiinance in London I'm not sure a young ambitious man in finance would normally want to move to his home region surely opportunities are many in London. But if he is part of a royal family he probably doesn't need to work at all.

It's actually not that unusual as they get experience in London and then move back to work for one of the sovereign wealth funds or banks (Qatari or international). If he was Royal Family then marrying a foreigner/ non -muslim would not be happening. It's difficult enough for a "normal citizen".

Has your DD met his family? This all sounds very similar to my DDs friend. Basically they assume the proposal was to alleviate his guilt at sleeping with her. The relationship deteriorated as he got "cold feet" at the cultural and religious differences. It may be a careful watching and waiting while advising research as others have said. Encourage lots of interaction between wider families to ensure parents are aware and on board. This might help your DD see if it's all he's claiming it to be before she fully commits to this new life. Do you know any of her friends and what they think of the relationship?