I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

First of all congratulations and I’m so sorry you’ve having a tough pregnancy - HG is horrendous and you are allowed to be “woe is me”. Unless you’ve had horrendous 24/7 sickness to the point you’ve considered ending it all you just can’t understand.

Second, give your sister some grace. She probably isn’t in a position to be your rock right now, the chances are she does care about you but your pregnancy is just too hard for her to bear right now. Have you reached out to her at all at any point and said “I know this might be hard for you”?

I remember a few years ago, I’d just lost my twin pregnancy and my friend was struggling in her pregnancy. She messaged to say her third trimester was crippling her, on my twins due date. I was so sad for me that I just didn’t want to hear about her pregnancy problems, because the truth is, when you are longing for something SO much like a baby and then you hear people complain about their pregnancy. You sometimes want to shout for the rooftops “I’d rather have HG than no baby at all!”

I then went on to have a child and I am now pregnant with my second, and oh god pregnancy is just the hardest thing, but obviously at the time when you are longing for something you can only see the sadness for yourself.

Some women are able to cheer you on from the sidelines and go home and feel sad for themselves. Other women have to remove themselves. Because being around a pregnancy is too tough. Please give her some grace xx

My heart breaks for her that she was so sad visiting her nephew that she had to run in another room and cry

What a sad little life you must lead. I have plenty of friends and family with whom I'd happily talk about their pregnancy or baby. One friend had a really difficult time breastfeeding and often talked about her baby's feeding schedule. I was happy to hear about it because I care about her. Just because YOU don't care about anyone else doesn't mean that others don't.

This.

I don’t think anyone with children realises how a childless sibling (especially a woman) gets sidelined in most families.

Has your sister ever considered becoming a single parent @Dinosaurhearmeroar? I have two friends who conceived with donor sperm and others who’ve adopted. They are happy with their decisions.

OP, well done for taking such harsh criticism on the chin
I hope all your pregnancy related issues get better soon and you experience a smooth journey toward labour etc

I now have children but for a while thought I couldn’t. Without meaning to be condescending to your sister but would she consider a dog? I got ours when we thought we couldn’t have children and it was such a great decision. Yes, I may have babied him but he brought much joy to my life and having lost him recently I truly appreciate the emotional support I got from him.

Thats very harsh, and downright nasty.

Especially since the OP has said many times on this thread she is taking lots of the advice on board re: being a little bit more empathetic towards her sister’s predicament.

I suppose you haven’t had the decency or patience to read the OP’s updates.

Shame on you.

Your sister is blinded by the fact you have children and she would like them. She therefore thinks you live a charmed life and isn’t interested in hearing about your issues.
Yes she is suffering, yes she deserves compassion but there is only so much you can give. If she literally just talks about her job and doesn’t even ask about yours she is being a drain and not giving anything to the relationship.
Seek support elsewhere and limit your contact with her. No need to unkind but she is also unlikely to change.

So sorry to hear about your dog. That’s really hard - losing pets is just so heartbreaking.

funnily enough she did have a dog for a trial weekend but couldn’t cope with it - it was a tiny maltipoo and he kept her up all
night and she was just hysterical about lack of sleep, him not doing what she wanted, his barking etc (She was staying at my house with him). She was meant to have him permanently but returned him after two days due to how hard she found it. It was all a bit awful and I felt really sorry for the little pup. He has a good home now.

i would say though that dogs are a good idea if you’re single as they get you out of the house and are a way of meeting people.

Agree with all of this. Thank you.

Sorry, but if anyone is constantly talking about the same thing is going to grate. That is what pp was referencing, not just mentioning and showing an interest in babies.

OP and her Sis likely clearly exactly the same way about each other’s respective issues.

She said

No one wants to know about your pregnancy and no one cares about your babies feeding schedule.

well you’re nice.

Where is your partner? I would expect his support before my sibling.

I get you. You care about your sister and you want her to care about you. Wanting her to check in periodically to see how you’re feeling is not asking too much. In fact, it’s quite reasonable. My sister is not the warm and fuzzy kind either and it is disappointing when you just want kind words or a hug. I actually think your sister is the selfish one for indulging in self pity and not showing up for her family, namely you. If she wants children so badly she can go to a sperm bank or look into adoption. There’s a good chance the baby would go by way of the puppy. Your sister might be so overwhelmed with a baby that that would become her new problem! ‘Oh poor me. This baby is so stressful, what to do, what to do?’ And who would be there for her to lean on? You of course. Keep your distance and keep your peace. If she only wants to talk about herself, you soon won’t have time for that so count yourself lucky if she keeps her distance.

I do think it is good your sister acknowledged that this is her issue not yours. Involuntary childlessness can be hard to deal without being somebody else’s pregnancy support. It’s essentially a grieving process.

But I get why you would ask your sister. Just turn to your partner / other sister instead.

Her not asking about your non work related life is inexcusable though.

A bit of empathy both ways would help, here.

Yes, she's being a bit selfish but OP, she's HURTING. She's watching her sisters repeatedly getting the thing she wants most, and around the time that she's having to accept it cannot ever happen for her.

YANBU to let her know that her one-sided convos are difficult for you, but there's really no need for the arguments.

I haven’t been able to have children and it’s incredibly difficult to take. The fact that I will never be called mum or gran kills me. Having said that if my own sister was so ill she was on crutches I would put that aside and support her and have even been her birth partner and cut cord on one.

Erm I think you find you are the horrible one here.

@Dinosaurhearmeroar How is your HG doing now? And do you have help? I would absolutely love to have the money to set up a charity helping HG victims with getting in a helper to do school runs for existing DC/cleaning and doing laundry etc to help those without much support.
Do you have someone to brush your hair? My friend couldn’t do hers and the hospital let it get terribly matted. For 20 weeks it stayed in a bun and when we took it out she had dread locks. We used the most non fragranced hair care products we could and I cut out the dreads I couldn’t brush out. Our other friend the hairdresser then gave her a decent bob once baby arrived.
Friend also had an impacted bowel from the meds that were to help her not throw up, that was horrendous. I remember her DH was in the chemist so much when she had the baby he took baby in to visit them and took them some chocolates.
I do really appreciate that you need help with your HG, I was working shift work when my friend was pregnant so I could help her during the day and her DH was there night times. I don’t suppose you have anyone who can pop over?
Do you have knowledgeable health care providers? HG is still massively misunderstood. Genuinely I’d have thought it was just being dramatic until I witnessed it first hand. Seeing my friend vomit 100s of times a day, she was like something from a horror movie.

I’ve rad your responses down to here, so sorry if I’m asking something you’ve later already been asked and answered….
what is your sisters relationship like with your already born DC? Is she a doting Auntie or is she an ‘At arms length auntie’ ?

I can see both sides of this & I know you’ve had both some good advice and also some pretty horrible comments!!….

I tried for 4 years with a partner to conceive, we did 4 rounds of IVF, it was horrendous… lots of my friends got pregnant in that time and I was always happy for them….. when I met a new partner and married and started trying to conceive naturally again, I was heart broken when it didn’t happen and on testing us both realised that not only had I picked yet another partner with a low sperm count but also that now in my 30’s I’d developed fibroids which impact fertility..
None of my friends ever complained about their pregnancies to me which I can see why when I think about it.
Your sister will be jealous of your little family I’d imagine, and there’s probably times when you’re jealous of her freedom … it’s just the way thins are.

In your shoes I think I would text your Sis and say you’re sorry for having a go, you shouldn’t have and hope to see her soon. And then give her time and space to lick her wounds.

It’s hard thinking you’ll never be a mum and always just ‘auntie whatever’….
I remember being in my garden after my sister told me she was pregnant with her second and just standing there thinking ‘I’ve got to be the best auntie I can be as I’ll never be a mum!’…. But every one is different and some people withdraw completely … I’ve got a cousin who never had children for similar reasons to your sister, and she has just developed this ‘I hate kids and never wanted them’ persona (which isn’t true as she did try with one partner)… but she’s had very little to do with her nieces and nephews who are now young adults… and even says she hates them all and they’re bratty…. It’s her way of coping even if extreme!

Anyway I did then fall pregnant naturally with my DD’s dad and I had awful sickness… I wasn’t diagnosed with anything BUT my goodness I was sick so much I was dry heaving and I understand your anguish because some days I asked my husband to just kill me 😂 I heaved so much I aches all over.. And yours sounds worse by a long shot so you have my deepest sympathy & understanding!

I was so bloody relieved when I went into labour, knowing that would be the last day I was sick!! And my bloody god that first piece of toast I had after her birth was literally the best thing I’ve ever eaten! I dropped a whole dress size while pregnant and I’ve no idea how she weighed over 9lb despite being early!! But there you go, these babies are literally like parasites while they’re inside you and will take what they need regardless 😂😂

Be kind to yourself @Dinosaurhearmeroar - you’re allowed to feel upset that people don’t understand what you’re going through, you’re allowed to have expectations of what people should be doing and saying…. But I would recommend just taking 5 minutes and trying to consider why people aren’t doing what perhaps you think you would do if roles were reversed…
My friend says to me that I’m a good person and help everyone, but other people aren’t the same, and while I’m allowed to be hurt that people take and never give, I can’t expect it because everyone’s different and some people just can’t or don’t want to… for a multitude of reasons! Sometimes because they’re arse holes, but sometimes just because they have their own shot going on!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy… I hope the end is in sight and you’re due soon ?? I remember literally counting down the days!!…. And I was so pleased the day my waters broke! No nerves or fear just literally relief that within the next 24 hours or so I’d be able to hold liquid and solids down! 🤣

With respect, it takes many average couples a year. I’m sorry about your miscarriage, I’ve had three and I know how brutal it is, but many women on here will have been TTC for closer to a decade without success and had many invasive treatments etc. A year of failing to conceive followed by four children isn’t anywhere close to infertility.

A late miscarriage and then 2 years of trying to conceive with both of us having every test under the sun was brutal. I felt utterly bereft. It isn’t a competition on who can feel the worst. Any type of infertility at the time is emotionally hard.

Your sister simply cannot support you in this. It's just too hard for her. Stop hoping for the unattainable and try and see how desperately unhappy she is about not having her own baby.

When you've got the headspace try and think of ways you can connect that are less loaded. Like talking about a book or a film , or going for a walk together without your DC, just to maintain the relationship but without the elephant in the room.

Your sister has been struggling upset at not having children and where were you? You sound totally self absorbed. Get your support elsewhere