I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

How exactly could it be gentler in tone?

The fact you can't see how monumentally tone deaf and selfish you are, can't be framed in a way that is soft and fluffy!

You expect everyone to pander to you - and that's central to the problem here.

I agree!

I have a sister who talked constantly about her baby and it was exhausting. No one wants to know about your pregnancy and no one cares about your babies feeding schedule.

I’m concerned about the attacks on this thread - OP has been suicidal recently.

OP - are you ok?

Yes. There’s a distinct lack of empathy in the way some of these people are accusing OP of a lack of empathy. The irony isn’t lost on me, either . . .

I really don’t get the sense that OP considers herself faultless in this situation. Nor does she seem to have her fingers in her ears singing ‘lalalalalala’ every time someone suggests how she can see things from her sister‘s different perspective. Of course she’s obsessed with her pregnancy, because it’s dominating her life. Of course her sister doesn’t want to talk about it, because her own situation is dominating hers. Maybe some people need to realise that, in some situations, there are no arseholes: just two people with their own shit going on that makes it hard to see through the other person’s eyes.

Agreed. And it goes x10 for anyone who’s experienced infertility, loss of a child, custody issues etc.

I think some women can be so self absorbed.

Thank you for checking in - I’m okay!

Clearly you’ve not read all my posts as yours has no relevance to anything I’ve said and screams of projection. Ps it’s baby’s.

Again you’ve not read my posts. None of
those things relate to the issue I posted - my sister isn’t infertile.

I think you've been given a harsh time on here. I can't say how HG is as I only ever had 24hr nausea I was never sick. However a friend did have it and was hospitalised as she was so poorly.

When you are in the thick of pain it's hard to see the wood for the trees. I'm in pain 24/7 with my back, and today is a bad day- but at least I can chuck a load of painkillers into me!

Maybe your sister talks about work so much, because she has nothing else in her life to focus on, and hearing about your children makes that void seem all the more.

Don't fall out with her. Give her a call, apologise for testing her (which it was) and for leaning on her so heavily. Say you want to make up, and put this in the past. Also think about once you have the baby, if she cry's, doesn't appear to be jumping for joy, have empathy that she may well be hurting. Yes she hasn't covered herself in good light either, so it's not all on you!

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is easier for you. It will be worth it x

@RedToothBrush Unless I’m misunderstanding the OP’s posts, I don’t think that her sister has ever tried to get pregnant or suffered from fertility issues.

It sounds as if she now wants a baby at 43. If that’s the case, it’s sad because it’s less likely to happen in her 40’s, but it could still happen

Posts like yours OP give me the rage. I'm team sister. Whilst I appreciate you are going through a tough pregnancy your attitude stinks. I'd have cut you off months ago. SHE LONGS TO BE A MOTHER. SHE ISN'T ONE. YOU ARE. Look at what you have and what she doesn't. She goes on about her job to distract from her pain.

It’s understandable that your sister finds your pregnancies difficult if she can’t conceive, but on the other hand it sounds like you are going through a really difficult time and a bit of emotional support would be nice.

Also it’s not true what a previous poster said that texts are meaningless - speaking from experience, texts and emails are very welcome when you’re unwell because they show someone is thinking about you. Not practical help, but still important and way better than being ignored.

This is an interesting example of how we can only see our own pain.

I can’t imagine not being there for my sisters and same them for me.

I had my daughter when I was 36 (turned 37 day before she was born) I really struggled physically and went off sick from 6 months due to the pain. I walking my dog and sat on a wall to rest and even though I was literally 5 minutes from my house, had to ring my sister to pick me up. And she came straight away.

We might not talk on the phone or see each other every week but we all message nearly every day.

You're very tone-deaf. You have something your sister would probably die for. It's not something she can just go out and buy from the shops. Imagine if one of your children couldn't have children - What would you tell them? How would you support them? Your sister is the one who needs support. Being involved with you is going to be really painful for her when all she wants is a child of her own and you have more than one. She is grieving for something she has never had. It's a sense of loss and now she's gonna he grieving her age and loss of time/lack of it on top of that.

@AdjustingVideoFrameRate I don’t think that her sister can’t conceive, my impression is that she’s unhappy with her life choices.

To clarify, my sister has no fertility issues, she just hasn’t met her person.

I think I’ll ask for this to be removed. While
i I have had some brutal but ultimately kind messages which I have taken on board, a lot of the replies are just saying how awful I am as a person and how I am so self- absorbed. Clearly they’ve not read any of my responses about how I am culpable and have been lacking in empathy. It seems some people just want to absolutely clobber me - huge reflection on them tbh as the anger is quite staggering. Thanks to all those who helped though - lots to think about.

Why should she? Your choice

I’m so sorry OP that is really hard for you.

Can I just say, I had fertility issues (I know your sister doesn’t as such but the longing will be the same) and I sent myself half mad with jealously over anyone who conceived. My best friend fell accidentally pregnant during this time and I didn’t say anything to her but my thoughts were dark and unkind. The longing can drive you completely unhinged and seeing someone have what you desperately want really hurts. You don’t want it to but it just does and your sister will be obsessing.

I only say all that so you can maybe understand a little bit. You are TOTALLY not wrong though to want your sister to be there for you. I hope in time she can see that and you can become close again. i hope for both your sakes that one day she comes to term with this. In the meantime if anyone else can support you make sure you take their offer.

Thank you - I’m sorry to hear you had fertility issues, thank you for being so gracious in your post. I do get it now - I was expecting too much of her which wasn’t / isn’t fair.

I do hope you have found some closure in your fertility journey. ⭐

Families are a funny one to be honest and some people are more thoughtful perhaps than others. To be honest maybe your sister struggles more than you realise seeing both sisters with children and she has none. It took my hubby and I a while to successfully become parents and I know how hard I found seeing everyone around me with children. Life is so short, I hope you both work things out so she can support you and be an Auntie and the same for you to support her.

I’m responding to that poster, not any of your posts.

Yes! I ended up having 4 children! I had a miscarriage and unexplained fertility for year but then things all just went mysteriously away! it was dark at times for me and I’m sure that’s how your sister feels. At some point you may be able to just talk this through, I really hope so.

I hope you’re near the end now and the birth goes well and you recover swiftly.